Arse: (n) British spelling of ass.

As a writer–and I use that occupational name humbly–I am constantly confronted with the more confounding and contradictory nature of the English language.

There are those who insist that sentence structure is what determines the quality and talent of anyone who composes an essay. Yet honestly, in everyday life, nobody is very concerned about the placement of subjects and predicates.

Other folks believe that intelligence and integrity are procured through using language which is acceptable to your grandmother and rejecting any wording that might make your sixteen-year-old son giggle.

Matter of fact, I have lived through times where using phrases like “my God,” “crap,” or “Oh, my Lord” were deemed by some to be inappropriate.

So imagine my delight when I found out that I merely have to go back to the King’s English to acquire the word “arse” if I want to refer to someone as an “arsehole.”

It frees me of objections and makes me seem quite continental at the same time! And also, while people figure out what it means, I can be the mischievous little boy who got away from the garden toting the watermelon.

Seriously, I will tell you–there are a few words which should never be considered profane because they are so on-point with real life, and describe human emotion better than their more gentle counterparts.

For instance:

• I’m not going to write that my character was upset when I can say that he was pissed off.
• When I’m establishing the fact that something is horribly wrong, I am not going to call it bullpoop. It shall be bullshit.
• When I’m relating a story in which I confess my fault and let you know of my error, I will not call myself mistaken, but rather, an ass.
• And there are simply some times when a defiant stand demands a “Butlerian” reply: Frankly, I don’t give a damn.

Feel free to disagree with me, and if you do, I offer you some wonderful news. You can send me a note which reads, “You are so wrong…you arse.”

Thank you for enjoying Words from Dic(tionary) —  J.R. Practix