Tag Archives: hardware store

Cyclone

Cyclone: (n) another word for a tornado.

Do we need another name for tornado?

I think tornado is doing very well for itself.

Its letters are formed perfectly to allow meteorologists to refer to “tornadic activity.” Would “cyclonic activity” be just as powerful?

I think the first time I heard the word “cyclone” was in ancient America—watching Bugs Bunny cartoons. Yosemite Sam referred to a big dust bowl of wind as a cyclone. I didn’t like Yosemite Sam—he was mean to Bugs Bunny. So I developed a prejudice against the word based on just that experience.

Also, how old would you have to be to call it a cyclone? I have a vision of an ancient being in the Oklahoma territory, looking in the dusty distance and speaking some words in Navajo tongue, and then translating them:

“Methinks cyclone is coming.”

Yeah. That works for me. (Add some buckskins to your word picture.)

I’m just trying to imagine any of my friends using the word “cyclone” as I squint my face in confusion and disapproval, and having them pipe back, “Be cool, fool. It’s just the new millennial way of saying tornado.”

Maybe the reason this doesn’t work is because…

Who actually wants to clone a sigh?

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cycling

Cycling: (n) the act or sport of riding or traveling by bicycle

 I got my first bicycle when I was ten years old.

Although no one actually weighed me, from my memories and careful guesstimation, I would say I probably weighed two hundred pounds.

My parents were not wealthy and could not afford a heavy-duty bicycle for me, so I ended up with a lovely Schwinn.

It was suited for a boy less than half my size.

First of all, may I say that riding a bicycle when you’re obese is like perching a frog on the head of a pin.

It was not comfortable.

And I was surprised at how much energy it took for my chubby legs to pedal my weight along the road.

But I was thrilled when a friend asked me to take over his paper route for two weeks during his vacation.

It was very nice of him, and he guaranteed me five dollars a week to perform the task.

Thirty-six daily deliveries—and going door-to-door on Saturdays to collect the subscription money.

Now, the whole thing sounded completely plausible and nearly fun. But on the first day, when I had trouble getting all the newspapers onto the back of my bicycle and struggled with pedaling both my weight and the additional girth of the news, I almost lost heart and nearly gave up around delivery seventeen.

I decided to gut it out for the day and planned to telephone my friend at his vacation spot and let him know I would not be able to fulfill my promise.

But a fit of “Sunday School” possessed my soul and I concluded it was unfair to leave him hanging.

I chose to endure.

During my normal cycling, I didn’t have to stand up on the bicycle to pedal—because I avoided hills. But the paper route had three large hills, and unfortunately, on the fourth day, second hill, when I stood, the pedal broke off due to my weight.

I was not terribly embarrassed about it until I went to the hardware store, showed what had happened, and the old man behind the counter rubbed his chin and declared, “Boy, how in the hell did you break off a pedal? I’ve never seen such a thing. Maybe you oughta lose some weight.”

As I tell you this story, it’s astounding to me that his statement upset me so badly—but it did. I cried all the way home and all during the time it took me to reinstall a new pedal.

After that, every time I came to a big hill, I had to get off the bike and walk up, pushing it, because I was afraid of breaking another one and the humiliation of dealing with Gramps down at the store.

Mostly I enjoyed cycling.

But the thought of pedaling still puts a chill down my spine.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Architect

dictionary with letter A

Architect: (n) a person who designs buildings and often supervises their construction.

Have you ever been so ignorant about a subject that even as you explained how ignorant you were, you said something ignorant? That’s the way I feel about building anything.

When I look at the meticulous qualities an architect must possess, measuring corners to establish an edifice, I am not only in awe, but also baffled.

When I was seventeen years old, I took a crack at my only carpentry and building project.

Our dog required a house. This is commonly referred to as a dog house.

If you look at one, it doesn’t seem terribly complicated–basically four walls and a roof. The mutts rarely require a floor.

So I found some scrap wood back behind the local lumberyard and was delighted when they told me I could have it. I purchased some nails from the hardware store, acquired a hammer and saw and set in motion to build my dog a home.

I am not a profane person. But I have never done so much cussing in all my life.

It took me three days to finally get all the pieces to fit and a roof on the house, only to discover that when I set it on the ground, it was crooked. One of my friends affectionately referred to it as “The Leaning Tower of Bow-Wow.”

I was humiliated.

I tried to correct my mistake by filling in some dirt in one corner, to make the construction appear even but then it went from leaning to tilted.

It gave me a great appreciation for those who know how to take nothing and turn it into something.

Fortunately for me, my dog was not picky.

 

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Archer

dictionary with letter A

Archer: (n) a person who shoots with a bow and arrows, especially at a target for sport.

When I was growing up, the pursuit of sports in my home was very seasonal–not in the sense of baseball in the summer and football in the fall, but rather, attention span.

My father and brothers developed interests in activities, and always would find a “good deal” on equipment relating to this endeavor, which they would purchase, only to discover that the materials were inferior, which made it impossible to adequately perform the task.

  • We bought a canoe that leaked.
  • We had some water skis that were cracked and fell apart the first time someone got on them in the water.
  • We had a basketball hoop that was supposed to be easy to set up in your driveway which never got higher than four feet.

Likewise, while watching Robin Hood one day on the television set, my older brother wanted to purchase a bow and arrows. My father thought it was “a champion idea.”

So with no understanding whatsoever of archery, they set out to the local hardware store, where the proprietor sold them one of his old bows and six arrows for “a really good deal.”

Without exaggerating, I will tell you that it took them two weeks to learn how to string the bow. The amount of energy it took to bend the bow for stringing nearly crippled their comprehension. The power required to pull the bow back, to shoot the arrow even two feet, was also extraordinarily daunting.

But after a couple of months, they convinced themselves they were experts on the subject and took me out to the woods to try my hand at shooting at a target.

I hated it immediately.

It took too much energy to pull the string, and because the bow was bent from the numerous attempts to manipulate it to our will, the arrows flew crooked, more resembling boomerangs.

After about the sixth attempt, they were ready to have a competition, to see who could hit the target the most often.

My dad stood ten feet to the side, away from the target, so he could give instruction to my brother and myself to make the competition more interesting.

I pulled back the bow and was ready to shoot it when my dad piped up and said, “No, Jonathan! Use more of your thumb!”

Not understanding what he said, I turned towards him in order to be respectful to his instruction, and as I did I slipped and released the arrow, which flew through the air, knocking his hat off.

It was William Tell without the apple.

My dad never said anything about it, but we quickly packed up the gear and it was stored from that point on, in the garage … next to the half-water ski.

 

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