by J. R. Practix

Abaca: n. a large, herbaceous Philippine plant of the banana family that yields Manila hemp.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you sat too near a fire at a church camp, wearing a shirt made out of hemp? It might give a whole new meaning to a “kum-bah-yah moment.”

I do think that for a few days, I’m going to walk around saying repeatedly, ” …large herbaceous….”  Now, I certainly am going to find reasons for such a proclamation, but I’m comfortable with the fact that no one knows what it means and most of us are too embarrassed to admit it, so I can probably get by with using it in some bizarre ways, and people will just nod their heads, feeling they are in the presence of true genius.

“Excuse me, ma’am. Do you offer any large herbaceous side orders with that Big Mac?”

How about this one? The next time I go to the swimming pool and an attractive young woman arrives, I will turn to my friends and say, “Well. That is certainly large and herbaceous.”

I will bet you that no one will even flinch–as long as I don’t do it in front of people under the age of fifteen, who are still innocent enough to admit they are verbally challenged.

Is anybody else trying to imagine a banana which is large and herbaceous, by the way, which is truly a Manila hemp plant?

                    “They call me Mellow Yellow, that’s right, Slim…”

Also gives a whole new meaning to “banana split.” Think about it.

I don’t know what use I will have for knowing what abaca is (aside from the prolonged usage of “large and herbaceous”) but I have a feeling that after writing this, I am going to be attacked in my dreams by a six-foot-tall banana smoking a bong, with Jimmy Hendrix music in the background.

I’ll let you know.