Consensual

Consensual: (adj) relating to or involving consent or consensus.

For the first forty years of a man’s life, he travels with a buddy.

It is his penis, Dick.

Wang. Willy. Or any other names that have been associated with the partner.

This particular companion is not always in accordance with the man himself. He has plans of his own, desires he pursues, hobbies he likes and although only he funny wisdom on words that begin with a C
has a very small capacity for brain storage, thinks in his own lane.

This creates a problem: the man may be a complete gentleman who would never offend a woman in any way, shape or form. But the buddy–as we have called him–does not hold to that approach. Matter of fact, he thinks the gentle approach is tentative and will leave both of them unsatisfied.

So even though the man may meet a lovely woman whom he wants to ingratiate through courtesy and conversation, Mr. Excitement would like to speed things along.

For instance, he’s never quite sure what the purpose is for the second drink or a bevy of compliments. He sees no particular reason not to tell a dirty joke–just to see if there might be an open door, so to speak. The best word to describe this second part of the duo is “inappropriate.”

So although men under the age of forty try desperately to keep Mr. Inappropriate out of their general interactions with women, he pops up and speaks out.

Because of this, there probably isn’t a man alive who has not been offensive, and pushed forward too much, taking away the sanctity and the beauty of a consensual agreement.

Mr. Pants Dweller is totally sold out to the idea that every woman wants him–she just hasn’t discovered her yearning as of yet.

Fortunately, in most situations–and especially after the age of forty–the overbearing roommate mellows out a little bit,  enabling a relationship to bloom.

So do yourself a favor. Stop being defensive around women about how you “never, ever” have said anything untoward or out of bounds.

Just explain that you’re trying to train a pet monkey when to show up with the banana.

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Banana

Banana: (n) a long curved fruit that grows in clusters and has soft pulpy flesh and yellow skin when ripe.Dictionary B

I have two thoughts that come to my mind when I consider banana: one is a sensation of flavor and the other is a source of inadequacy.

First of all, a banana is a tricky fruit because when it’s not quite ripe, it tastes kind of “green” but is very high in potassium. When it actually begins to rot and has the banana flavor we’re accustomed to, it is high in sugar and you might as well be eating a candy bar.

I like bananas.

However, I do have memories from high school, of sitting at a lunch table with friends, eating a banana and having them all giggle, because in their adolescent minds, it conjured the image of a penis.

Now, here’s where the inadequacy comes in: I’ve never seen or eaten a banana that is actually the size of a man’s penis.

It’s another elaborate ruse from the male of the species, contending that his particular endowment is enriched beyond reality.

Every time I look at a banana and consider myself, I quickly shake my head, hoping to rid my brain of the unnecessary comparison.

Now I know this is childish, and I also realize it’s foolish to watch a beautiful woman at a distance eating a banana, and have unclean thoughts come into your head.

But I am not going to be dishonest with you after all these months of writing and pretend that “a banana is just a banana.”

No–a banana has transforming powers, both in nutrition … and in naughty thoughts.

 

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Audio-Visual

Audio-visual: (adj) using both sight and sound, typically in the form of slides or video and recorded speech or music.

dictionary with letter A

Today I am imagining a cave man or one of those early human beings–whatever you may call him or her–sitting by the fire, grunting out a story about a fascinating hunt-down of an angry mastodon.

Noticing that the audience has lost attention, he decides to add a drum beat and scrawl out in charcoal on a nearby series of smooth stones some pictures, to accentuate the thrill of his kill.

His audience is suddenly much more receptive.

Thus the beginning of audio-visual.

Nowadays, we wouldn’t even think about trying to tell a story or share an idea without the use of a sound track and flashing pictures on the wall to illustrate our points.

Matter of fact, anyone who would consider simply using the human voice to tout a message would be viewed as arcane, out of step or certainly old-fashioned.

But in a generation which is constantly being bombarded sensually, perhaps the best way to communicate new ideas is through sensory deprivation.

  • What happens if we take away every sense except the ears?
  • Or maybe we remove the other four senses and just leave the eyes?
  • What if, instead of launching a huge campaign for a new line of baked goods, we just release the smell of the delicious product into the air?

Even though I appreciate those who come to me at my concerts and ask me if I have AV material (which is shop talk for “audio-visual”) I have to tell you that imitating the antics of the monkey next to me does not make me a superior monkey.

Somewhere along the line you have to get the monkeys of the world interested in something other than flashing images of bananas.

I believe the next movement in advertising and communication will have to be relieving our senses of attack, and finding a way to simply tell our story by the fireside.

 

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Affectionate

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

 

Affectionate: (adj.) readily feeling or showing fondness or tenderness: e.g. a happy and affectionate family.

You gotta BE there.

It’s true, you know. There are some things in life that cannot be viewed, read, perused, discussed, debated or downloaded.

Affection is one of them.

In a climate where “lukewarm” has begun to feel “heated,” we lack such closeness and intimacy that it has caused us to become defensive with one another because we privately feel cheated of the tenderness we need to satisfy our souls, yet at the same time we push away personal overtures from those who try to get too close too quickly.

A lady warned me the other day, saying, “Watch out! I’m a hugger.”

I do remember attending a rock concert many years ago where complete strangers–thousands of them–came up to each other, hugging in groups of five and ten without explanation or apology. Yet to promote such an idea in our day and age would be cynically mocked as a “hippie philosophy,” a throw-back to olden times or impractical due to the spread of disease.

This culminated for me when I saw churches offering hand sanitizer to folks after they had the “passing of the peace.” I wish I had a profanity to express how upsetting that is to me. And please, spare me the explanation on why it is needed. I am fed up with the notion of what is needful and anxious for the pursuit of what is helpful.

  • I need affection.
  • I need to be affectionate.

Now, it doesn’t have to always be demonstrative, but it does have to be spontaneous and real. It can be reaching across a table and cutting up the banana of a friend who is making you coffee, or coring an apple for another friend so she doesn’t have to deal with stems and seeds.

When you lose affection in a society, you promote the idea of isolation. Once humans are isolated, there’s only one thing that takes hold–survival.

Is it possible that in the next decade we will begin to treat each other–all the time–like we do when we’re in a traffic jam?

Abaca

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter AAbaca: n. a large, herbaceous Philippine plant of the banana family that yields Manila hemp.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you sat too near a fire at a church camp, wearing a shirt made out of hemp? It might give a whole new meaning to a “kum-bah-yah moment.”

I do think that for a few days, I’m going to walk around saying repeatedly, ” …large herbaceous….”  Now, I certainly am going to find reasons for such a proclamation, but I’m comfortable with the fact that no one knows what it means and most of us are too embarrassed to admit it, so I can probably get by with using it in some bizarre ways, and people will just nod their heads, feeling they are in the presence of true genius.

“Excuse me, ma’am. Do you offer any large herbaceous side orders with that Big Mac?”

How about this one? The next time I go to the swimming pool and an attractive young woman arrives, I will turn to my friends and say, “Well. That is certainly large and herbaceous.”

I will bet you that no one will even flinch–as long as I don’t do it in front of people under the age of fifteen, who are still innocent enough to admit they are verbally challenged.

Is anybody else trying to imagine a banana which is large and herbaceous, by the way, which is truly a Manila hemp plant?

                    “They call me Mellow Yellow, that’s right, Slim…”

Also gives a whole new meaning to “banana split.” Think about it.

I don’t know what use I will have for knowing what abaca is (aside from the prolonged usage of “large and herbaceous”) but I have a feeling that after writing this, I am going to be attacked in my dreams by a six-foot-tall banana smoking a bong, with Jimmy Hendrix music in the background.

I’ll let you know.