Cushion

Cushion: (n) a soft bag on which to sit, kneel, or lie.

I must warn you that if you are sensitive, parochial or very squeamish about sexual matters, you probably shouldn’t read any further.

So now that I have everybody’s attention…

I will tell you an embarrassing story.

When I finish telling you this tale, I will share why.

When I was eighteen years old, I had a girlfriend who went off to Europe and didn’t contact me. It was understandable in the sense that what we had shared was a high school affair. She experimented with me and I with her. She just thought the experience was done sooner than I did.

Problem was, the experiment brought about a pregnancy in the Petri dish.

Therefore, the lack of hearing from her left me upset, bereft, and dare I say, horny. (We all know that once you awaken the magical worm or open Pandora’s Box, there’s no going back to hand holding and kissing.)

Yet, I had no intention of finding another girl and having sex.

But no one—and I say NO one—ever taught me about the miracle of masturbation. I had no idea.

Even as I write this, I realize how unlikely that seems. But all I knew was that I had a penis that was looking for a vagina, and absent a vagina, an adequate stand-in was needed.

So one day, lying on my couch, I unzipped my pants and let my little wanderer out. I noticed that when I rubbed it against the couch cushion, it felt pretty good. After a few minutes, though, it also hurt.

It was a contest.

Does it hurt more, or does it feel good more?

I persisted—so much so that my little trouper got all inflamed and angry. It was very sore.

Trying to figure out what to put on my friend to make him feel better (because alcohol was bad and Ben Gay was out of the question) I opened the medicine cabinet, and there was my mother’s bottle of lotion. I put some on my hand and reached down to comfort the reddened area.

Eureka!

I not only comforted my penis, but ended up discovering, in that moment of time, what was missing from my training.

It was a magnificent moment.

Earth-changing.

I was grateful.

My girlfriend did come back and she became my wife.

But I will tell you one thing: it’s a damn shame if a young boy does not know the correct male usage for hand lotion.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Curse Word

Curse word: (n) a profane word, especially as used in anger or for emphasis

I just can’t keep up with the current scrutiny that determines what we have decided is profane.

For instance, early during the Civil War, should Admiral Farragut, during the Civil War, have said, “Darn the torpedoes!” instead of damning them? Or do we give him license because he was in the heat of battle and it’s our way of supporting the troops?

When the old-time revival preachers kept using the word “damned,” cursing people to “hell”—was that profane? Or was it merely offering a suggested punishment and potential destination?

Was it profane when Southerners for generations referred to the black race as “niggers?” (I even did it as a little kid. “Eeny-meeny-miney-moe, catch a nigger by his toe.” I was surprised when it was rewritten a few years later, and “nigger” was replaced with “tiger.” Nowadays I wonder if PETA would object to us tugging on the toes of tigers. Is that profane?)

Is it profane to sit in a health class with junior high school students and tell them about the vagina, the penis and explain the power of masturbation?

In speaking forth the level of disgust for something we don’t care about, is it all right to say, “Don’t give a shit?” Or should we change it to “don’t give a bumble-bee?”

I just really don’t know anymore.

When I was much younger, you weren’t allowed to say “God.”

Now we live in a world of “OMG.”

Somebody once corrected me for using the word “crap.” When I asked how they would finish the phrase “I don’t give a…” they piously offered the word “hoot.”

We know why we use profane words.

We know how this ceases to make them profane.

There are times when what we are saying is more important than being proper in our wording.

It’s why the word “ain’t” hangs around—for just the right slang moment.

Here are the five curse words or phrases I think should be eliminated:

  1. You will never…

That is pronouncing a curse on someone by limiting their possibilities.

  1. You are just like…

That is cursing someone with an identity they may very well be trying to escape.

  1. If you don’t believe, you can’t be saved.

Maybe I would believe if I saw that your belief did anything positive for you.

  1. You’re just a…

Anything that follows that phrase is a curse to limit the person you are speaking with, to a very small corner in a very tiny world.

  1. I don’t forgive you.

There is the ultimate curse.

So there are my curse words.

What in the fuck do you think?

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cupid

Cupid: (n) the ancient Roman god of love represented as a winged, naked, infant boy with a bow and arrows.

Romance is idiotic.

This doesn’t mean it’s not amazing.

I’m not trying to tell you there isn’t great joy in the percolation of human sexuality.

Romance is idiotic because the justifications we generate to permit ourselves to “swoon in June by the light of the silvery moon” are downright hilariously ignorant.

I laugh whenever I hear two lovers explain that they can’t help themselves.

“The heart wants what the heart wants.”

I’m not so sure the heart has much to do with it.

But the lust wants what the lust wants.

That’s darned tootin’ true.

To further justify the erratic tendencies of romance, we have borrowed this character from mythology—Cupid.

He shoots arrows, you know.

They are arrows of love.

I think that is definitely an oxymoron.

Or it’s simply a misplacement of a vowel or a consonant, which should actually read:

“The eros of love.”

Eros is the Greek word for sexual intercourse.

So a man with a wife and three children will swear before the Supreme Court that Cupid shot him with an arrow, and that is why he ended up screwing his twenty-two-year-old secretary.

He will be very sincere.

He might even cry about the deep affection he has suddenly acquired.

But one of the greatest truths we can impart to ourselves as men is that having an erect penis is not permission to continue. And as women, getting wet may require going somewhere to dry out.

It is not an issue of decency.

It is an attempt to keep us from acting like rabbits living in a hole, constantly searching for a hole.

We may not like the responsibility of tempering our sexuality—becoming more adept at dodging Cupid’s arrows—but we owe it to ourselves to rationally and purposefully exchange seventy years of peace of mind for seven seconds of juicy pleasure.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus: (n) the act of orally stimulating the female genitals

I never try to fix my light switch when there’s an electrician in the room.

I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but we know there are individuals who are so sure of their own ability that they would go ahead and fix the light switch with an electrician nearby.

Perhaps they would consider it initiative.

Maybe they would insist it was a showcase of their self-confidence.

But as for me, I think it’s arrogant, shortsighted, and can result in a light switch that does not work.

For thousands of years, we have viewed human sexuality through the peep hole of the male penis.

Movies, songs, books, conversation—all have insisted that if a woman can be dominated by an erection and adequately tosseled through intercourse, she will be delighted—and also submissive.

The fact that nothing could be further from the truth does not seem to hinder the proliferation of this idea. It has been my finding that the best person to talk to about human sexuality is a woman. Just as I would trust an electrician with my lighting concerns—because he knows the inner workings of the wiring much better than me—I likewise would listen to a lady explain how her wiring works.

If a woman is not sexually engaged and passionately involved, then sexual intercourse can quickly become boring, perfunctory, and appear to be a male-controlled activity, only bringing ultimate satisfaction to the man-person.

We live in a society that still giggles, sweats and becomes extraordinarily nervous when the word cunnilingus is said aloud.

Although a woman would probably tell you that stimulating her genitalia through making direct physical contact with the clitoris with fingers or tongues is an extremely strong provider of an orgasm, men still insist that they do it with their penis, which has proven to be a much clumsier and ineffective apparatus.

A side note:

I once sat in a workshop in which a young man was giving a report on speaking in tongues—and he unfortunately had confused the word cunnilingus with the word glossolalia. Half the audience was unaware, and the other half of us did not know whether to burst out laughing or sit very still—to protect the young man from the memory of a life-long trauma.

Yet, even when I’m involved in glossolalia, I always use cunnilingus if I want to satisfy my lover.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Crypto

Crypto: (adj) secret or hidden, as in “a crypto Nazi.”

 What a cool word.

Of course, I’ll never be able to use it. If I applied it in an everyday situation, people would say, “What do you mean by that?”

Then I’d find myself in that state of trying to explain something, defending myself on why I decided to use it. No thanks.

But for the sake of this article, I will tell you that I do believe in Jesus, but I am a crypto Christian.

No one could be more reluctant than I am to admit to being a part of such a disorganized organization, and unloving ministry of love.

I guess I’m a crypto male, too.

I just don’t buy into all the myths about the human penis, domination, superiority and winning the dame by flattering the hell out of her.

Some people might consider me a crypto American because I don’t join a political party. I learned a long time ago to never go to a party that doesn’t serve refreshments.

In some ways I’m a crypto writer. It doesn’t mean I can’t write. It means that I find the snotty, bratty people who edit and publish to be restricting—kind of like that suit I bought when I was twenty-five, which I really liked but was two sizes too small so I never got a chance to button it.

But I will never admit to being a crypto human.

Religion wants to make humans faltering sinners. Secularists want to make them individualistic gods.

I know what it means to be a human.

It means discovering your weaknesses but working through them to discover your strengths.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C



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Crotchety

Crotchety: (adj) given to odd notions, whims, grouchiness, etc.

There are three words that seem to travel together. Buddies, if you will.

I don’t think you can see “crochety” without the word “old” hanging around, accompanied in the back seat by the word “man.”

Crochety old man.

Women aren’t crochety—women are bitchy.

Men, on the other hand, get a “cushioney” word, perhaps pulled out of a hat owned by Charles Dickens: “’Tis crochety, old boy.”

Also, men are old. Women, on the other hand, are decrepit.

At least with the word “old” you have the possibility of “wisdom” traveling alongside. But decrepit immediately conjures a vision of an old witch with a fondness for dining on the carcasses of little children.

The gentleman in the story gets the advantage of maintaining the word “man” to describe him, while the woman would be a hag.

So if you have a penis, you get to be a “crochety old man.”

Absent that appendage, you are a “bitchy, decrepit hag.”

After all, what does it mean to be crochety? It means that nothing is going your way anymore because your way is so old it’s covered with dust.

What can one do to age and still be a person who isn’t crochety?

I think there is a three-step process, whether you’re male or female:

  1. Shut up.

No one wants to hear all your stories.

  1. Listen.

And as you do, learn some of the lingo so you don’t talk like you came out of a 1970’s movie.

  1. Think funny things, think serious things—share the funny ones.

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Crotch

Crotch: (n) the human body between the legs.

For all those people in the world who think there’s nothing new under the sun, or that all the great inventions have been explored and exposed, I offer to you on this fine day the concept of coming up with an proper name for the region between one’s belly button and upper thigh.

Yes, a name that is not gross, inappropriate or makes little kids giggle.

It is hard to believe that the word “crotch” is probably the most acceptable term for this skin space.

Stop and think about it. You’ve got…

Genitals

Pubic area

Penis

Vagina

And groin

Do you see what I mean? If some ingenious soul would just conjure some pleasant term to share when identifying this area other than the odd phrase, “private parts,” he or she probably would receive eternal gratitude from the world of grownups, teetering between prudishness and naughtiness.

Suggestions?

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C


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