Coitus

Coitus: (n) physical union of male and female genitalia

I think I was about nineteen years old when I realized it was much more permissible to talk dirty when you used scientific words.

You could then open up the conversation to pleasantly naughty subjects by making sure you didn’t use gruff language or street lingo. No one is going to consider you appropriate or intelligent if you say “screw” if “coitus” is available.

One of the powers of this process is that there’s always someone in the room who is not familiar with the term, so you can explain it in detail, and therefore make yourself look quite virile.

In other words, “What is coitus?”

Answer: “A very good question. I guess some people would use terminology like ‘screwing, humping,’ or even the ‘f word,’ but ‘coitus’ is the term scientists have pushed forward to represent that natural interaction of two human beings when they’re involved in the process of love-making.”

Honest to God, at this point everyone is leaning forward, having lost interest in the s’mores they just made over the fire.

When you isolate off human sexuality, it really is as basic, simple, carnal and primeval, whether done by human beings or tigers. Matter of fact, when we’re in the heat of passion we often envision ourselves being some sort of animal groveling for greater domination and pleasure.

Once I heard a man say that the difference between humans having sex and creatures of the Serengeti is that Homo Sapiens normally require a good meal, a stiff drink and lovey-dovey Motown tunes to make the whole process seem plausible.

(Of course, Papa Lion probably does bring home an antelope before they get down to business.)

We are such a fussy species. We want to believe that our genitalia, which often smells like dead bats in a cave, is somehow holy and sacred in the sight of God and must be given great consequence.

And then, all of a sudden–maybe two drinks in?–she touches his penis and he fumbles to find her clitoris, and they’re off to the races.

Yes.

Like two horses in a pasture.

Giggle we must at our foolishness, and certainly should continue to insist that we are having “coitus” instead of “bumping uglies.”

 

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Clitoris

Clitoris: (n) a small sensitive and erectile part of the female genitals

Honestly, I think Webster should have defined “clitoris” as “women’s intuition.”

For years we have touted that the female of the human species seems to possess some great insight or sensibility about coming affairs. Although I, for one, do not believe that such a premonition exists, I will tell you that women become dynamic, strong, confident and completely self-reliant when the clitoris is not ignored, set to the side, mocked or even, in savage nations, cut out.

I just don’t think people can have sex without the assurance that it will culminate in orgasm. And if mommies and grandmothers feel it’s their duty to portray that sometimes women have to “put up with sex,” even though they don’t want to do so, that foolish acquiescence has, does and will forever render a woman a second-class citizen.

The clitoris is small–hidden away under a little hood, but is well worth finding. And women who think they can empower themselves without taking authority over their own sexual pleasure usually end up yelling more than telling.

So what can be done?

Men everywhere need to admit that whatever it takes to get the “little lady” within the bigger lady to come to life is important to create the equality that will make us all better people, and stop the gender war which should never have started.

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