Cutie-Pie

Cutie-pie: (n) darling; sweetheart; sweetie (often used as a term of endearment).

Here are some of my simple requests:

Have a bedroom.

In other words, if you’re madly in love with someone, don’t make out in front of everybody—groping and breathlessly moaning. Take the time to purchase, procure, sublet or acquire a bedroom. Thank you very much.

Secondly:

Once in that bedroom, please lock the door.

I don’t want to stumble upon you. I don’t want to accidentally think that it’s a good time for me to take a shower and discover you in various Kama Sutra poses. Please, buy a solid lock and use it to protect the children, me, yourselves and even the dog.

And finally, I would like you to be courteous when you’re in the midst of your Amazonian ritual:

Turn on some background music to cover up the sounds of sexual lingo.

I know that under the control of “sex dust” humans are capable of cooing almost anything:

“Babe”

“Bay”

“Sweetie”

“Lover”

“Precious”

And of course:

“Cutie-pie”

These expressions may be meaningful to you in the midst of your gauntlet but to those standing outside or walking by, they produce gut-wrenching nausea.

Let us review

  • Bedroom
  • Locked door
  • Music to cover the “sweet’ums” that fall from your lips in the pursuit of the wow factor.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus: (n) the act of orally stimulating the female genitals

I never try to fix my light switch when there’s an electrician in the room.

I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but we know there are individuals who are so sure of their own ability that they would go ahead and fix the light switch with an electrician nearby.

Perhaps they would consider it initiative.

Maybe they would insist it was a showcase of their self-confidence.

But as for me, I think it’s arrogant, shortsighted, and can result in a light switch that does not work.

For thousands of years, we have viewed human sexuality through the peep hole of the male penis.

Movies, songs, books, conversation—all have insisted that if a woman can be dominated by an erection and adequately tosseled through intercourse, she will be delighted—and also submissive.

The fact that nothing could be further from the truth does not seem to hinder the proliferation of this idea. It has been my finding that the best person to talk to about human sexuality is a woman. Just as I would trust an electrician with my lighting concerns—because he knows the inner workings of the wiring much better than me—I likewise would listen to a lady explain how her wiring works.

If a woman is not sexually engaged and passionately involved, then sexual intercourse can quickly become boring, perfunctory, and appear to be a male-controlled activity, only bringing ultimate satisfaction to the man-person.

We live in a society that still giggles, sweats and becomes extraordinarily nervous when the word cunnilingus is said aloud.

Although a woman would probably tell you that stimulating her genitalia through making direct physical contact with the clitoris with fingers or tongues is an extremely strong provider of an orgasm, men still insist that they do it with their penis, which has proven to be a much clumsier and ineffective apparatus.

A side note:

I once sat in a workshop in which a young man was giving a report on speaking in tongues—and he unfortunately had confused the word cunnilingus with the word glossolalia. Half the audience was unaware, and the other half of us did not know whether to burst out laughing or sit very still—to protect the young man from the memory of a life-long trauma.

Yet, even when I’m involved in glossolalia, I always use cunnilingus if I want to satisfy my lover.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Credentials

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Credentials: (n) evidence of authority, status, rights, entitlement to privileges, or the like, usually in written form

 I suppose if you removed my driver’s license from my wallet, I would possess no credentials whatsoever. My state has authorized that I am entitled to drive a vehicle.

I have never received credentials from a music school, though I have persisted in making music.

I have no credentials whatsoever to write books, blogs and screenplays—yet again, I pursue.

I certainly had no credentials to be a dad, but the kids kept showing up.

I had no credentials as a lover, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

I am not licensed or approved to be a philosopher, a teacher, an instructor or a motivator—but these things have come up and in the absence of real talent, I have stepped in, acting as the best substitute I could.

I suppose I should have given more thought to gaining credentials. They do look good when writing a bio. Getting places or people of note to qualify you is much better than jotting down, “Have no fear. I am here.”

And I am certainly not one of those who feels self-righteous about lacking credentials, as if I were showing some sort of superiority by sheer grit and force.

It’s just that everything in my life started about one year earlier than it probably should have.

When I possibly could have gone to college, I was having my first son. And since I had that little family, when I might have wanted to garner some sort of degree or certificate, I was trying to put pizza and animal crackers on the table.

What I had to learn was that the absence of credentials demanded an honest presentation of oneself rather than lying or becoming defensive or saying something stupid like, “I have graduated from the school of hard knocks.”

I think it is absolutely delightful, if not essential, for people to gain credentials. I certainly do like to know that my plumber has plumbed before, and somebody knows that he’s not “plumb crazy.”

But in the absence of credentials, I will humbly offer myself, candidly share my value and do the best goddamn job I possibly can.

 

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Cramp Someone’s Style

Cramp someone’s style: (v) to prevent someone from free action or expression

 Evil is sneaky.

Evil rarely attacks good.

Evil doesn’t necessarily criticize good.

Evil just makes good look limited—and we, as human beings, foolishly make the decision that trying to find a better way of living just ends up cramping our style.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

It’s happening every day in our world. Folks are so afraid of being vanilla that they try to come up with their own flavor, and when they find it distasteful, they discover they’re stuck with it because it’s become their trademark.

We are completely convinced that the “good boy” cannot be a dynamo in bed as a lover. No, it’s the over-drinking, under-thinking, greasy-haired, motorcycle-riding, jobless fellow who has the secret to the female orgasm.

In politics, we contend that anyone who sits around and discusses how to run the government is too boring to vote for, and we want somebody in there to shake things up—even though it may create problems of earthquake proportions.

We are just so afraid that our style is going to be cramped and we’re in danger of being boxed in that we find ourselves beckoned to an isolated corner, to be tempted by a “snake in the grass” with something that ends up fruitless.

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Complement

Complement: (n) a thing that completes or brings to perfection.

The greatest complement to beauty is humility.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

The greatest complement to talent is hard work.

Likewise:

Spirituality…simplicity

Leadership…awareness

Lover…sensitivity

Comedian…vulnerability

Joy…compassion

Education…application

Health…gratitude

Confidence…introspection

Strength…mercy

Speaking…listening

Faith…charity

Hope…endurance

Finding…seeking

And of course, the greatest complement to God is humanity.

 

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Coffee

Coffee: (n) a drink made from the roasted and ground beanlike seeds of a tropical shrub, served hot or iced.

An ambiguous lover.

That’s what coffee has been to me.

It always reminds me of that one girl I knew, who was a good friend and occasionally made me think that I wanted to make out with her–and I think she probably felt the same way about me–but we never, ever felt it at the same moment. So awkward attempts to be romantic always led us back to long conversations about how we didn’t want to ruin it because our friendship was so special.

That’s the way I feel about coffee.

I have really tried to get into coffee. It seems like something that should work for me. I hang around with people who enjoy it immensely. Part of me would love to love coffee–just to fit in.

But the numerous times I have tried to have relations with the coffee cup have ended up very unsatisfying.

Maybe it’s because I snuck up on it.

A couple of times it seems like it snuck up on me.

Perhaps it revolves around the fact that our love affair is decaffeinated.

I tried it iced, but it just left me cold.

I tried it with cream, without sugar; with both; and even with something they told me to put into it which I could not identify–and did not help.

Officially…I am not a coffee drinker.

I sometimes hold a warm cup of the fluid in my hands in the midst of strangers and adults so as to take my place in the tribe.

But always, by the time they’re ready to have a second cup or top off their first, I have barely taken three uncomfortable sips.

 

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Chatter

Chatter: (n) incessant trivial talk.

I make a practice to never refer to myself as an artist.

Using that term is similar to someone who has sex calling himself a lover, or folks who occasionally have a garage sale in their front yard
deeming themselves to be entrepreneurs.

Truthfully, because we’re all a little insecure about the quality and veracity of what we do, we chatter on to try to magnify our significance to the yawning yokels.

How many times do I need to explain what I do before you are truly impressed?

How many different ways can I exaggerate my abilities, hoping deep in my heart that you will finally understand that I am better than you?

Chatter is what people do when they are nervously afraid they can’t cover the time alloted with simple truth.

So they elaborate. They use words like “interesting, wonderful, great, amazing and awesome” at diabolical rates. And they smile a lot, hoping what they have to share is not only convincing, but dazzling.

A wise man once said that it is much smarter to answer questions “yes” and “no.” He contended that anything other than this is usually born of evil.

If by evil you mean the incessant clatter of chatter that doesn’t matter, then…

Amen.

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Bravo

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Bravo: (exclam) used to express approval when a performer has done something well

Yes.

“Bravo” is more than a television channel of gay men going to art museums while discussing the perfect French croissant.

“Bravo” is a statement.Dictionary B

It has been meticulously segregated off from “nice job, you killed it, you the man and give me five.”

Rather, it is a highbrow declaration still unsullied by common culture, expressing devoted admiration.

It is unlikely that you will hear “bravo” spoken anywhere except among those who don tuxedos, over-practice their musical instruments and insist that their art is great because so few people appreciate it.

  • I have never heard “bravo” spoken at a football game–nor any sport, for that matter.
  • It is not commonly used at a hip-hop concert.
  • And though appropriate, an encouraging wife does not utter the word to bolster the confidence of her ever-learning lover.

No–it is reserved for uptown situations, where a certain quality deems it necessary for us to pretentiously speak our “attaboy” in a different language.

So what, in my environment, is worthy of “bravo?”

I don’t have to look very far.

Bravo for that sunrise.

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Augment

Augment (v): to make something greater by adding to it; to increase.

dictionary with letter A

I must warn you that this particular essay may be a bit blunt and graphic.

I am not choosing this profile because I desire controversy, but rather, to explain how powerful ideas can be supplanted by mediocrity.

From time to time when I check the inbox for my emails, I am inundated by offers to “augment” my penis.

They are basically working under the concept that I am dissatisfied with the little fellow. Or maybe it’s the insecurity they wish to play off–that I fear my lover is unfulfilled with my girth or length. It could be just the classic misconception that “big is always better.”

I quickly delete these advertisements, and sure enough, after a few weeks they disappear for a season, only to once again pilfer through, trying to convince me of the dwindling possibility below my belly line.

Yet there are many things I would like to augment. My penis is not one of them.

  • I would like to augment my generosity.
  • I would like to augment my perseverance.
  • I would like to augment my discipline in eating fewer calories.
  • I would like to augment my compassion.
  • I would certainly like to augment my patience.

I could go on and on about what I wish to augment–but I never receive offers on these points of interest, only a proliferation of opportunities to extend my cartilage.

I am not a prude. But I’m also not obsessed with my own sexuality.

I want to live in a world that becomes concerned about augmenting common sense–so that I don’t have to be known by what “Jane thinks about my Dick.”

 

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Antiquated

dictionary with letter AAntiquated: (adj) old-fashioned or out-dated.

I have never drunk alcoholic beverages nor viewed pornography.

It doesn’t mean I haven’t taken fluids into my body nor that I haven’t pleasurably released them.

It just means that I don’t like substitutes.

That’s what I think about alcohol, pornography, drug use, profanity and any number of imitators of joy, which fail to deliver the true impact of the experience.

Of course, my tee-totaling and puritanical attitudes are viewed as antiquated in this era of libertarian domination.

Old-fashioned it is, my friend.

But see, what I find antiquated is the assertion that after thousands of years of pursuing carnal futility, we still persist in advertising actions, vices, and practices that leave us, in the end, deserted and unfulfilled.

  • Why is it antiquated to try to find inebriation in life instead of a decanter?
  • Why is it antiquated to have a real flesh-and-blood lover instead of one darting across a computer screen?
  • Why is it old-fashioned to want to inhale the beauty of nature and life instead of the smoke from one plant?
  • What makes this so meaningless?

I am very suspicious of those who want me to give up some aspect of my choice and freedom in order to attain a more expansive expression.

I like being free.

It’s why, after all these years, I continue to battle obesity, even though the deck is stacked against me and it seems that I am no longer able to bluff with a poker face.

The absence of dependence is the presence of independence.

I don’t think it’s antiquated to want to be free.

I don’t think it’s old-fashioned to believe in life.

And I don’t think it makes me a grumpy old man to tell you that I, for one, am not going to bottle up my feelings and then try to find the answer … in a bottle.

 

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