Coprosecutor

Coprosecutor: (n) one of two or more joint prosecutors.

“And God will judge the quick and the dead.”

The quick, in this case, refers to the living, even though it does not apply around my house.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Most of us are pretty certain that if there is a God, that He’s will be The Judge. Matter of fact, even with people who are extraordinarily bigoted, if you bring up “judge not lest ye be judged,” they will never respond by saying, “Screw God. Listen to me. The Old Man’s too easy.”

But even though we do not think of ourselves as judges, we do feel it is our job, mission and righteous goal to be prosecutors—and even join in with others, becoming coprosecutors of evil deeds, cross-examining folks and far-fetched ideas.

Yes, we think God is very impressed when we arrive in court in our suit of self-righteousness and begin to rail against defendants who we have determined need to be brought before the bar for judgement.

We feel this authority because we’re following a Book—a Book of laws and regulations. So even though we, ourselves, break some of these statues from the Holy Book, we still will doll up for the occasion and present a viral case against the guilty.

The goal? Make them look so bad that the Judge would have to agree, that if He is to follow His own laws, they must be punished.

After all, the problem is not that human beings judge each other. None of us have the power to enact lasting judgment on one another. The problem is that we’re all just a bunch of goddamn coprosecutors, who feel noble about exposing the sins and vulnerabilities of others.

Perhaps it’s why we all hate lawyers.

It certainly is why, when a lawyer is caught with his pants down—or his suitcoat off—we all rejoice and giggle.

So what do you think any good Earthly judge will do if the prosecution is bent toward the hell of punishing all wayward souls?

As there is mercy in the court of justice in our country, the same mercy exists in the heavens.

As extenuating circumstances are taken into consideration with any prosecution, so shall it be at the Great Judgment Day.

And as a judge, for no particular reason, on a whim, decides to take a chance on someone who is truly repentant, so the Great Judge will one day baffle us by granting grace beyond measure and understanding, to offenders.


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Convey

Convey: (v) to communicate; impart; make known

I believe in God but sometimes I wish I didn’t.

God has some of the shittiest front people you’ll ever meet. They are unkind, self-involved, pious, ignorant of history and single-minded in a way that makes them appear to be brainless.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

The truth of the matter is, if you lock a child up in the basement, he or she will begin to believe the whole world is a basement.

There will be no attempt on the child’s part to expand his or her vision to conjure a world of pleasantries and peace. The church has imprisoned its members in the catacombs of ignorance. So…

How can I convey the love of God without being associated with the hatefulness of God?

How can I convey the mercy of God without coming across as an airhead who doesn’t really care that there are standards in life?

How can I convey that Jesus has been abducted by religion and is being held hostage for your tithe?

Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air—and not as symbol of praise, but rather, desperation.


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Convent

Convent: (n) a community of persons devoted to religious life under a superior.  

 I’ve never been motivated by fear, even when some of it may have been legitimate.

I cannot stand to be intimidated and frightened just so somebody will believe that I’m adequately aware of a pending horror.

I have been a fortunate man because my journey has taken me every place I wanted to go, and many places I did not envision going but ended up benefitting me.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I once found myself, along with my family, staying for two days at a convent. It was an experience. Let me tell you the difference between “experience” and “blessing:”

A blessing is something you wish would go on forever.

An experience, though initially pleasant, is something you are overjoyed has an expiration date.

The women living in the convent, serving God, praying, and taking vows of both chastity and poverty, were some of the sweetest, gentlest and kindest souls I had ever met. But after about thirty-six hours, I discovered that their profile and practices were initiated through a fear of being displeasing to their Master—their husband. God.

Over breakfast one morning, I shared with these lovely souls my intention to write a novel on the life of Jesus, with him telling his own story. I felt confident that they would be moved by such an adventure. The intimacy we had shared over the stay made me relaxed, and I was forthcoming about details.

They were shocked.

They were offended.

Matter of fact, they pleaded with me to not write such a book, because it would “be offensive to God.”

Honestly, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was argue with nuns—especially on their home turf, the convent. I listened patiently to their objections, and for the rest of my visit I remained quiet, eager to get back to a world where poverty is not preferable and there is a God who welcomes scrutiny instead of feigning offense.


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Contemplative

Contemplative: (adj) expressing or involving prolonged thought

It is normally considered hazardous to tread on thin ice–due to the fact that the ice will break and you’ll find yourself plunging into frigid waters.

But what if the ice is not supposed to be there? What if it needs to be melted–done away with because a new spring has sprung and it’s timefunny wisdom on words that begin with a C to be finished with chilly weather?

This is how we came up with the term “break the ice.”

So let me step in today and break the thin ice:

Meditation is one of the most dangerous, foolish and unproductive practices that has ever been devised in an attempt to turn people into better souls.

Being contemplative is simply you, walking the aisles of your limited shopping arena in your own brain, and supposedly arrive on ingenious ideas on improving inventory.

But consider–it is your own brain. It’s not being inputted by others. It’s not sapping off of divine grace. Nor is it necessarily even willing to adjudicate the evidence available.

It’s just you–wearing a simple, subtle hat–pretending to be god.

Contemplative people often spend their time trying to soothe themselves in a harried world instead of finding ways to “be of good cheer” on a planet filled with tribulation.

When we get done running from reality and we escape the self-righteousness of thinking that seven minutes with our own brain is a vacation, we might actually be able to use the ears we have to hear what humanity, Mother Earth and even Father God is trying to tell us, instead of merely coughing up mental hairballs of confusion.

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Constrain

Constrain: (v) to compel or force someone toward a particular course of action

I stopped being political many years ago when folks pushed me to join a party. They constrained me.

I ceased being religious when I realized that I couldn’t just love my neighbor as myself, but needed to sit my butt down for an hour-long funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cservice of boredom, which I was supposed to pay for in the offering plate. They constrained me to be a church attendee.

I refused to be super-macho in order to prove to all the men and women in the world that I was worthy of consideration, though the constraint to do so was extraordinarily intense.

My thought has always been, if a candidate isn’t worthy to hold office, advertising him or her as one of your party does not increase his or her value.

Likewise, if God needs my money instead of my heart, then maybe He should go out and get a job.

And if hair on your head, hair on your face and hair on your balls is the symbol of manhood, then I would prefer to languish in the animal kingdom.

When anyone tries to constrain you to do something, using intimidation or threatening that if you don’t, you won’t belong, you won’t be saved or you won’t “get the chicks,” then you should smile and say, “No, thanks. See ya’ later. I have an appointment to talk with myself.”

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Mr. Kringle's Tales...26 Stories 'Til Christmas

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Connotation

Connotation: (n) an idea a word invokes in addition to its primary meaning.

Love makes me think about kissing.

Maybe a little bit about the love of God. Both are rather pleasant.

Politics connotes younger folks arguing about subjects they just read about, pretending they’re experts. Unpleasant.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Religion conjures organ music in a dismal atmosphere. Recently it’s added the connotation of beheadings.

Prayer makes me sleepy.

Maybe that’s because I do most of my praying right before I go to sleep, or it’s just a great sleep-inducer.

Money brings a smile.

It’s not because I love money–it’s just that having it relieves one carnal infraction against our living. It also opens the door to being generous.

Family is a fairly decent word. But candidly, most of the grimaces and growls that may come our way are attached to those who share some of the D in our NA.

Life is not a series of definitions. It is an accumulation of feelings, which means we have the chance to take shitty words and crappy experiences, and reshape them by offering more enlightened endeavors.

 

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Mr. Kringle's Tales...26 Stories 'Til Christmas

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Connection

Connection: (n) a linking relationship

I have a heart that’s full of emotion. Every time I deny this, I feel sick.

I have a soul that’s rich with God. Ignoring this makes me grouchy.

I have a brain which is peppered with notions. Setting them to the side causes me to seem erratic, lacking focus.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I have a body that wants to be healthy. Damn well better listen.

I am connected. These parts are connected.

My heart needs a soul to seek the comfort of divine reassurance, so when I renew my mind I can come up with inspirational possibilities, causing my body to do great things.

When I meet you, all four of these kick into gear. Sometimes I smile when people say “we had an emotional connection.” Or, “it was like we were mental twins.”

I just don’t believe that.

Every person I’ve ever been spiritually enlivened by also caused my physical body to become erect.

All the humans who touched my emotions initiated my brain to think of ways to enjoy them more and bless them fully.

We are humans–we connect. When we don’t, we become insincere and phony, quietly hating ourselves and making other people avoid us.

 

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Mr. Kringle's Tales...26 Stories 'Til Christmas

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