Cutie-pie: (n) darling; sweetheart; sweetie (often used as a term of endearment).

Here are some of my simple requests:

Have a bedroom.

In other words, if you’re madly in love with someone, don’t make out in front of everybody—groping and breathlessly moaning. Take the time to purchase, procure, sublet or acquire a bedroom. Thank you very much.

Secondly:

Once in that bedroom, please lock the door.

I don’t want to stumble upon you. I don’t want to accidentally think that it’s a good time for me to take a shower and discover you in various Kama Sutra poses. Please, buy a solid lock and use it to protect the children, me, yourselves and even the dog.

And finally, I would like you to be courteous when you’re in the midst of your Amazonian ritual:

Turn on some background music to cover up the sounds of sexual lingo.

I know that under the control of “sex dust” humans are capable of cooing almost anything:

“Babe”

“Bay”

“Sweetie”

“Lover”

“Precious”

And of course:

“Cutie-pie”

These expressions may be meaningful to you in the midst of your gauntlet but to those standing outside or walking by, they produce gut-wrenching nausea.

Let us review

• Bedroom
• Locked door
• Music to cover the “sweet’ums” that fall from your lips in the pursuit of the wow factor.