by J. R Practix
aardvark: a large, nocturnal, burrowing mammal, Orycteropus afer, of central and southern Africa, feeding on ants and termites and having a long extensile tongue, strong claws and long ears.
Let me get this straight. Aardvark is just a really fancy, British way of saying “anteater.”
I once thought about eating my aunt. Actually, it was an assignment in my sociology class. Our teacher posed the question: if you were stuck on a desert island with your family and you were starving to death, which member would you eat first?
I decided it couldn’t be my mother. Let me not get into the reasons.
My father would be tough and taste like cigarettes.
My little brother would be an option, but it would take days to wash him off.
I thought about my uncle, but I didn’t want to eat him because he’s humorous. At least that’s what my parents said–he was a “funny uncle.” I was nineteen years old before I realized he did not own a comedy club.
I decided the best option was my Aunt Mary, even though I feared she would be a bit sour. You could always sweeten her with sugar, add a dash of cayenne pepper and the flavor would be tolerable.
I also noticed that aardvarks have long noses, but they do keep them to the grindstone instead of poking them into the air. Of course, it would be hard to be superior if you had really big ears and a really long tongue.
No, I guess if I had to, I could be an aunt eater–not the little black bugs, though. Wouldn’t they try to sting you on the way down as their last protest to being consumed? I’ll have to go over to England and ask an aardvark sometime.
Now I know what an aardvark is. It’s a funny looking creature with its head hung low, embarrassed over its appearance which likes to eat ants with its long tongue.
Good information. Just be careful discussing it too much, or it conjures a very unpleasant vision … of family dinner.