Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus: (n) the act of orally stimulating the female genitals

I never try to fix my light switch when there’s an electrician in the room.

I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but we know there are individuals who are so sure of their own ability that they would go ahead and fix the light switch with an electrician nearby.

Perhaps they would consider it initiative.

Maybe they would insist it was a showcase of their self-confidence.

But as for me, I think it’s arrogant, shortsighted, and can result in a light switch that does not work.

For thousands of years, we have viewed human sexuality through the peep hole of the male penis.

Movies, songs, books, conversation—all have insisted that if a woman can be dominated by an erection and adequately tosseled through intercourse, she will be delighted—and also submissive.

The fact that nothing could be further from the truth does not seem to hinder the proliferation of this idea. It has been my finding that the best person to talk to about human sexuality is a woman. Just as I would trust an electrician with my lighting concerns—because he knows the inner workings of the wiring much better than me—I likewise would listen to a lady explain how her wiring works.

If a woman is not sexually engaged and passionately involved, then sexual intercourse can quickly become boring, perfunctory, and appear to be a male-controlled activity, only bringing ultimate satisfaction to the man-person.

We live in a society that still giggles, sweats and becomes extraordinarily nervous when the word cunnilingus is said aloud.

Although a woman would probably tell you that stimulating her genitalia through making direct physical contact with the clitoris with fingers or tongues is an extremely strong provider of an orgasm, men still insist that they do it with their penis, which has proven to be a much clumsier and ineffective apparatus.

A side note:

I once sat in a workshop in which a young man was giving a report on speaking in tongues—and he unfortunately had confused the word cunnilingus with the word glossolalia. Half the audience was unaware, and the other half of us did not know whether to burst out laughing or sit very still—to protect the young man from the memory of a life-long trauma.

Yet, even when I’m involved in glossolalia, I always use cunnilingus if I want to satisfy my lover.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Condom

Condom: (n) a thin rubber sheath worn on a man’s penis during sexual intercourse

Sometimes I scold myself for being too candid about my life. There are even family members who think I should spare the public the vivid details of my inanity. But I find that you can never truly achieve heaven until you can say “what the hell?”

I have attempted to use a condom ONCE. (Maybe that’s why I have so many children. I’m thinking there’s a connection somewhere, but shall funny wisdom on words that begin with a C
not waste your time searching for it.)

I had no instructor on how to place it on my device. I’m sure I did it wrong.

It immediately created two battles: (a) staying on, and (b) me remaining erect enough to grant it a home.

It slipped and slid and I ended up reaching down in the fury and passion of pleasure and ripping it off, finishing ala naturale.

I do understand–this is way too much information. But if I haven’t lost you by now, let me conclude with this thought:

I do not offer my story of the condom because I am suggesting they are worthless, meaningless or should not be applied.

As always, I am poking fun at my fun-poker.

 

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Cobra

Cobra: (n) a highly venomous snake

Trying to maintain my status as a man of faith, I often find myself wading through some murky swamps of religious jargon.

This has tempted me, a time or two, to drain those swamps and start building my own condos. Yet I know deep in my soul that I have felt guidance, been inspired and in some strange sense, been redeemed.

Yet when I consider the cobra, I become baffled.

I don’t like snakes. I’m not ashamed of that. I don’t feel less manly by admitting it. I think they’re creepy. I think they know they’re creepy.

After all, if your only communication is hissing, your means of transportation is slithering and you choose to bite other people, you may have proven yourself to be unworthy for planet consideration.

Just my opinion.

And this becomes truly, astronomically intolerable when it comes to the cobra. No longer will the cobra stay on the ground, but decides to lift itself up into some sort of unholy erection. Then it flares its head in anger, and spits its venom at you.

Yes–there are spitting cobras.

So even if you feel you stood back far enough, you still could be splatted by the nasty varmint.

I do not know what the purpose of the cobra is. I’m sure it could be explained to me. Maybe they eat tons and tons of rats. But if it were my choice, I would rather find a different way to be rid of the rat population than by introducing a creature which insists on being addressed as “King Cobra.”

 

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