Convection Oven

Convection oven: (n) a gas, electric, or microwave oven equipped with a fan that circulates and intensifies the heat, thereby decreasing the normal cooking time.

There are many things in life that cause shock.

For instance, realizing that you’re too short to ride the roller coaster at the amusement park.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Finding out that you have to study for tests to get good grades.

Learning that human sexuality takes effort.

Noting that casting your vote more than likely does not mean that your candidate will be elected.

One of these happened to me the other day. I overheard a young fellow talking to his friend, referring to me as “that nice old man.”

A little piece of my soul died. I chased it down the thoroughfare, but it was gone.

The reason that young chap might be referring to me as a nice “old” fellow is that I remember when the first convection ovens arrived. We were startled at how quickly food could be heated. For me, it happened when I went to a gas station four miles outside of our town. They were using a convection oven to warm sandwiches. When placed in the oven, they came out piping hot in less than two minutes.

Of course, these initial ovens were flawed, sometimes drying out the food and turning it into petrified wood—but it was astounding. It was the fulfillment of one of the promises and predictions I had read as a small boy in my magazine, called “The Weekly Reader.”

I shall stop this article now—for the deeper I go into the origins of my knowledge of the convection oven, the older I sound and the more you’ll be convinced that I am nice…but ancient.

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Celibate

Celibate: (adj) abstaining from marriage and sexual relations,

Somewhere between Roman Catholic priests making a vow never to have sexual relations and the spreading infiltration of bi-sexuality in our
society lies an awful lot of turf for careful consideration.

There are two things that are certain about sex: Without it, the human race cannot procreate. With it, the human race may destroy itself through infighting, jealousy, disease and just general stupidity.

So is it possible that God, who created the penis and vagina and loaded them with nerve endings for pleasure, has suddenly decided that the whole thing was overdone?

Does a man really become more spiritual by putting a cork in his sex life? Does living a life alone, without the companionship of a lover, actually turn him into a greater vessel of love, compassion and human understanding?

Of course not.

It is something that was instituted many thousands of years ago, when the genders were imbalanced and there was no consideration of equality, which no longer has any place in our society–where we are trying to find the humanity in both man and woman.

I suppose we could solely blame the priests for their aberrant behavior with young children–or we can ask the Catholic Church why it promotes large families but secretly thinks that sex is kind of a dirty thing?

All I ask is, make up your mind.

But if your priests aren’t going to have sex because doing so would make them less spiritual, why would you want your congregants to be bound by such an evil practice?

I know some people consider it hip to be celibate nowadays, but human sexuality is not a virus that can be medicated away.

It is what helps us in a physical sense, to understand the love of God.

 

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Buddy

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Buddy: (n) a close friend

A buddy is much more than a close friend.

I always viewed a buddy as someone who is a little younger than oneself, who tags along with great devotion, Dictionary Bsuffering under the pangs of hero worship.

I had such a friend.

He was about two years my junior, intelligent as a librarian’s daughter and completely inexperienced in most aspects of life.

I set him up with his first girlfriend.

I explained some of the greater subtleties of human sexuality (from my limited perspective).

I took him to his first X-rated movie.

We were so close that half the people thought I was a bad influence and the other half were grateful that I took him under my wing.

It lasted for about a year. Then one day somebody talked to him about me–or maybe nothing, or perhaps something.

Who knows?

From then on, we never really saw each other.

But sometimes I wonder if he thinks about the time we had together–the adventures, the laughs, the mistakes and the double-takes.

I remember it fondly.

Was I a bad influence on him? Hell, yeah.

In a good way.

 

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Birth

Birth: (n) the emergence of a baby or other young from the body of its motherDictionary B 

So when women on television programs were pregnant, it was usually for only one episode, and then the baby would miraculously appear, beautifully swaddled and powdered.

So when I leaped into the real world of birthing humans, I was astounded at how much of the animal kingdom we maintain–both in the process of conception and the juncture of evacuation.

Because even though we talk about the glories of romance, human sexuality, when it’s in the process of performance, doesn’t look that much different from two dogs in the back yard, which we try to separate by spraying them with the hose.

And when I was present at the birth of my sons, I was astounded at how much blood, fluid, tissue, smells and general frightening ugliness occurred, just to remove a human being from the body of another human being, so we could all utter a very nervous cheer as we stared at the helpless glob of flesh.

It was terrifying.

No wonder Jesus suggested that since we had no control over our birth, no planning over how it was to be executed, and certainly no vote in the genes that we retain, that it might be nice somewhere along the line, to welcome an opportunity … to be born again.

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Bawdy

Bawdy: (adj) dealing with sexual matters in a comical way; humorously indecent.Dictionary B

Somewhere between porn and Puritan lies perfectly hilarious.

I have never been interested in pornography, and honestly, even less drawn to the life of the pilgrim.

Human sexuality is comical. Actually, it’s downright silly.

Even though some people videotape themselves having sexual intercourse, most of us would run away from such a viewing in a combination of embarrassment and horror.

Why? Because for those brief moments when we’re seeking pleasure, we also tend to reject all forms of pride and civilization.

Who cares?

All I know is that when we trivialize sexuality and make it merely a physical act, it normally develops tinges of violence.

When we say it is sacred and must be blessed by God’s presence, we repress our sexual instincts and invite perversion to create a playground in our being.

I am often bawdy.

Raising a bunch of sons, I joked with them and made it clear that sex was not a taboo subject, nor was it hatched in the heavens, surrounded by prayers.

It is one of the most important balances we can achieve: to land our understanding of human sexuality somewhere between monkey and angel.

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Anorgasmic

dictionary with letter A

Anorgasmic: (n) an inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation.

I found myself in the position where it was necessary, or at least presumed to be, to teach a class on human sexuality to a group of adults. (I clarify that they were adults, because once we started talking about sex, they actually turned into a bunch of giggling teens.)

Considering that sex is so important to our well-being and self-worth, we actually have an extremely flippant attitude about the subject. I will grant you, it’s not necessary to become intellectual in the discussion, but certainly, if we don’t get beyond whispering, smirking and leering, we will never understand how we are meant to co-exist, procreate and satisfy one another.

I think the greatest mistake is the assumption that men enjoy sex and women tolerate it.

Here is a simple fact: No one avoids anything that pleasures them. I have run across people who were either bored or dissatisfied with adventures that promised pleasure and only delivered a modicum of the proposed package.

It’s like going on a vacation and staying at a hotel, hoping to sun-bathe, only to discover that the swimming pool has been closed for repairs. No matter how much you try to make the local restaurants and shops interesting, the original goal taunts you.

Even though we consider ourselves to have a high-falutin’ society, our approach to sexuality lands somewhere between Neanderthal and Bedouin.

Basically, we believe that men are to be pleasured and women are to provide the pleasure.

Once I was able to convince my class to stop snorting and chuckling, we discovered that human sexuality is meant to be a mutual effort made by two people to achieve orgasm–no matter what it takes.

The ideal circumstance is to make sure that the female acquires pleasure. Then the male doesn’t have to feel the need to perform, but instead, can relish the interchange.

  • Yes, women would be much more interested in sex if they were having orgasms.
  • Men would have to spend much less time wooing them if they were trained in how to assist a woman in finding her own space and time.

But to do this, we must admit that men and women are more similar to each other than different … and we just might be one or two generations away from that conclusion.

 

 

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Abstruse

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abstruse: (adj.) difficult to understand; obscure.

I’ve never been a great fan of rules.

I certainly understand the importance of having guidelines and restrictions. It’s just that people who enjoy enforcing rules are also intrigued with making more and more of them until they tighten a rope around the neck of all possible thinking. So it becomes obvious to me that when you live in a society which is more interested in establishing rules and regulations than in making progress, you are freely admitting that creativity has been abandoned in favor of critique.

There are things that are obtuse–and, as I discovered today, abstruse. They continue on by the sheer will of accountants of the human heart, who want to tally each and every emotion, to make sure it has not become overwrought or flamboyant. They desire a world of calmness, with the concept of peace and quiet superseding the natural violence of human evolution. Although it is impossible to achieve such a status, they continue to propagate the notion that decent and normal people require an environment of tranquility in order to be happy and free.

The truth of the matter is, nothing is really like that. Every time I step in front of a group of people and share my opinion, I have to be ready for the fact that my ideas will either be viewed as radical or outdated, depending on the temperament of the hearer. Everyone in the world needs to be prepared to be abstruse–otherwise we start believing that wisdom begins at the tip of our nose and ends at the back of our hairline.

It doesn’t.

So what IS abstruse?

  • How about spending billions of dollars fo elect a President who more or less, because of  political gridlock in our country, becomes window dressing for a parade instead of being a leader of the people?
  • How about continuing violence on television–especially towards women and children–under the guise of producing entertainment, and pridefully insisting it’s not as bad as including human sexuality?
  • How about religion that maintains a stronghold of superstition instead of encouraging us to become better human beings and more loving to one another?
  • How about a 24-hour news cycle that barely has 24 minutes of actual news, but has to pay 24 reporters to cover 24 stories which really boil down to 2 worthwhile projects?
  • How about reality shows which demonstrate the darker part of our nature so we can vicariously view wickedness while simultaneously patting ourselves ont the back for being better than the worst villain?
  • How about agnosticism which plays itself up to be intellectually superior because it is absent the dogma of faith?
  • How about the fact that we claim to be a free country, while periodically forbidding human rights to one another based upon whim?

You see, if we want to find things that are abstruse, we could construct a very good list which could be addressed to give us fruitful conclusions. Of course, we probably won’t. Most of the things I listed make immense amounts of money for a few, so they will never be rejected.

But it doesn’t keep me … from ignoring them.