Cupid

Cupid: (n) the ancient Roman god of love represented as a winged, naked, infant boy with a bow and arrows.

Romance is idiotic.

This doesn’t mean it’s not amazing.

I’m not trying to tell you there isn’t great joy in the percolation of human sexuality.

Romance is idiotic because the justifications we generate to permit ourselves to “swoon in June by the light of the silvery moon” are downright hilariously ignorant.

I laugh whenever I hear two lovers explain that they can’t help themselves.

“The heart wants what the heart wants.”

I’m not so sure the heart has much to do with it.

But the lust wants what the lust wants.

That’s darned tootin’ true.

To further justify the erratic tendencies of romance, we have borrowed this character from mythology—Cupid.

He shoots arrows, you know.

They are arrows of love.

I think that is definitely an oxymoron.

Or it’s simply a misplacement of a vowel or a consonant, which should actually read:

“The eros of love.”

Eros is the Greek word for sexual intercourse.

So a man with a wife and three children will swear before the Supreme Court that Cupid shot him with an arrow, and that is why he ended up screwing his twenty-two-year-old secretary.

He will be very sincere.

He might even cry about the deep affection he has suddenly acquired.

But one of the greatest truths we can impart to ourselves as men is that having an erect penis is not permission to continue. And as women, getting wet may require going somewhere to dry out.

It is not an issue of decency.

It is an attempt to keep us from acting like rabbits living in a hole, constantly searching for a hole.

We may not like the responsibility of tempering our sexuality—becoming more adept at dodging Cupid’s arrows—but we owe it to ourselves to rationally and purposefully exchange seventy years of peace of mind for seven seconds of juicy pleasure.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cunnilingus

Cunnilingus: (n) the act of orally stimulating the female genitals

I never try to fix my light switch when there’s an electrician in the room.

I know this sounds like an obvious statement, but we know there are individuals who are so sure of their own ability that they would go ahead and fix the light switch with an electrician nearby.

Perhaps they would consider it initiative.

Maybe they would insist it was a showcase of their self-confidence.

But as for me, I think it’s arrogant, shortsighted, and can result in a light switch that does not work.

For thousands of years, we have viewed human sexuality through the peep hole of the male penis.

Movies, songs, books, conversation—all have insisted that if a woman can be dominated by an erection and adequately tosseled through intercourse, she will be delighted—and also submissive.

The fact that nothing could be further from the truth does not seem to hinder the proliferation of this idea. It has been my finding that the best person to talk to about human sexuality is a woman. Just as I would trust an electrician with my lighting concerns—because he knows the inner workings of the wiring much better than me—I likewise would listen to a lady explain how her wiring works.

If a woman is not sexually engaged and passionately involved, then sexual intercourse can quickly become boring, perfunctory, and appear to be a male-controlled activity, only bringing ultimate satisfaction to the man-person.

We live in a society that still giggles, sweats and becomes extraordinarily nervous when the word cunnilingus is said aloud.

Although a woman would probably tell you that stimulating her genitalia through making direct physical contact with the clitoris with fingers or tongues is an extremely strong provider of an orgasm, men still insist that they do it with their penis, which has proven to be a much clumsier and ineffective apparatus.

A side note:

I once sat in a workshop in which a young man was giving a report on speaking in tongues—and he unfortunately had confused the word cunnilingus with the word glossolalia. Half the audience was unaware, and the other half of us did not know whether to burst out laughing or sit very still—to protect the young man from the memory of a life-long trauma.

Yet, even when I’m involved in glossolalia, I always use cunnilingus if I want to satisfy my lover.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Convection Oven

Convection oven: (n) a gas, electric, or microwave oven equipped with a fan that circulates and intensifies the heat, thereby decreasing the normal cooking time.

There are many things in life that cause shock.

For instance, realizing that you’re too short to ride the roller coaster at the amusement park.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Finding out that you have to study for tests to get good grades.

Learning that human sexuality takes effort.

Noting that casting your vote more than likely does not mean that your candidate will be elected.

One of these happened to me the other day. I overheard a young fellow talking to his friend, referring to me as “that nice old man.”

A little piece of my soul died. I chased it down the thoroughfare, but it was gone.

The reason that young chap might be referring to me as a nice “old” fellow is that I remember when the first convection ovens arrived. We were startled at how quickly food could be heated. For me, it happened when I went to a gas station four miles outside of our town. They were using a convection oven to warm sandwiches. When placed in the oven, they came out piping hot in less than two minutes.

Of course, these initial ovens were flawed, sometimes drying out the food and turning it into petrified wood—but it was astounding. It was the fulfillment of one of the promises and predictions I had read as a small boy in my magazine, called “The Weekly Reader.”

I shall stop this article now—for the deeper I go into the origins of my knowledge of the convection oven, the older I sound and the more you’ll be convinced that I am nice…but ancient.

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Celibate

Celibate: (adj) abstaining from marriage and sexual relations,

Somewhere between Roman Catholic priests making a vow never to have sexual relations and the spreading infiltration of bi-sexuality in our
society lies an awful lot of turf for careful consideration.

There are two things that are certain about sex: Without it, the human race cannot procreate. With it, the human race may destroy itself through infighting, jealousy, disease and just general stupidity.

So is it possible that God, who created the penis and vagina and loaded them with nerve endings for pleasure, has suddenly decided that the whole thing was overdone?

Does a man really become more spiritual by putting a cork in his sex life? Does living a life alone, without the companionship of a lover, actually turn him into a greater vessel of love, compassion and human understanding?

Of course not.

It is something that was instituted many thousands of years ago, when the genders were imbalanced and there was no consideration of equality, which no longer has any place in our society–where we are trying to find the humanity in both man and woman.

I suppose we could solely blame the priests for their aberrant behavior with young children–or we can ask the Catholic Church why it promotes large families but secretly thinks that sex is kind of a dirty thing?

All I ask is, make up your mind.

But if your priests aren’t going to have sex because doing so would make them less spiritual, why would you want your congregants to be bound by such an evil practice?

I know some people consider it hip to be celibate nowadays, but human sexuality is not a virus that can be medicated away.

It is what helps us in a physical sense, to understand the love of God.

 

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Buddy

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Buddy: (n) a close friend

A buddy is much more than a close friend.

I always viewed a buddy as someone who is a little younger than oneself, who tags along with great devotion, Dictionary Bsuffering under the pangs of hero worship.

I had such a friend.

He was about two years my junior, intelligent as a librarian’s daughter and completely inexperienced in most aspects of life.

I set him up with his first girlfriend.

I explained some of the greater subtleties of human sexuality (from my limited perspective).

I took him to his first X-rated movie.

We were so close that half the people thought I was a bad influence and the other half were grateful that I took him under my wing.

It lasted for about a year. Then one day somebody talked to him about me–or maybe nothing, or perhaps something.

Who knows?

From then on, we never really saw each other.

But sometimes I wonder if he thinks about the time we had together–the adventures, the laughs, the mistakes and the double-takes.

I remember it fondly.

Was I a bad influence on him? Hell, yeah.

In a good way.

 

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Birth

Birth: (n) the emergence of a baby or other young from the body of its motherDictionary B 

So when women on television programs were pregnant, it was usually for only one episode, and then the baby would miraculously appear, beautifully swaddled and powdered.

So when I leaped into the real world of birthing humans, I was astounded at how much of the animal kingdom we maintain–both in the process of conception and the juncture of evacuation.

Because even though we talk about the glories of romance, human sexuality, when it’s in the process of performance, doesn’t look that much different from two dogs in the back yard, which we try to separate by spraying them with the hose.

And when I was present at the birth of my sons, I was astounded at how much blood, fluid, tissue, smells and general frightening ugliness occurred, just to remove a human being from the body of another human being, so we could all utter a very nervous cheer as we stared at the helpless glob of flesh.

It was terrifying.

No wonder Jesus suggested that since we had no control over our birth, no planning over how it was to be executed, and certainly no vote in the genes that we retain, that it might be nice somewhere along the line, to welcome an opportunity … to be born again.

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Bawdy

Bawdy: (adj) dealing with sexual matters in a comical way; humorously indecent.Dictionary B

Somewhere between porn and Puritan lies perfectly hilarious.

I have never been interested in pornography, and honestly, even less drawn to the life of the pilgrim.

Human sexuality is comical. Actually, it’s downright silly.

Even though some people videotape themselves having sexual intercourse, most of us would run away from such a viewing in a combination of embarrassment and horror.

Why? Because for those brief moments when we’re seeking pleasure, we also tend to reject all forms of pride and civilization.

Who cares?

All I know is that when we trivialize sexuality and make it merely a physical act, it normally develops tinges of violence.

When we say it is sacred and must be blessed by God’s presence, we repress our sexual instincts and invite perversion to create a playground in our being.

I am often bawdy.

Raising a bunch of sons, I joked with them and made it clear that sex was not a taboo subject, nor was it hatched in the heavens, surrounded by prayers.

It is one of the most important balances we can achieve: to land our understanding of human sexuality somewhere between monkey and angel.

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