Dang

Dang: (v) euphemism for the word damn 

Added into the anthology of my journey through the ridiculous and sublime is a one-hour class I was required to sit in on when I was a sophomore in high school, with the subject being, “Better Choices.”

According to the principal, there was an outbreak of bad language in the school, and he wanted to explain how frustration could be handled with much more grace, using terms that, although meaningless, were also unoffensive.

I don’t know how this man knew there was a plague of naughty talk all over the campus.

I think he was fuckin’ stupid.

But speaking of that word, three suggestions were made for when the inclination might rise up to use the word “fuck.”

  • “Fudge.”
  • “Forget it.”
  • And “feathers.”

Now, I don’t know how one was supposed to restrain the tongue from spitting the original gem, substituting the new language, but the instructor explained that if it was accomplished and sweeter sayings could be offered, then it was generally regarded among the American populous that your morality was immediately deemed honorable, and you gained at least thirty IQ points.

Shit was shoot.

Goddamn was golly.

Ass was bottom.

Bullshit was baloney.

Dick was private areas.

Pussy skipped vagina and went to lady’s parts.

And of course, damn was dang.

At the end of the session, four students were called up to do a demonstration, with the first pair using the foul words and the second pair, the more respectable lingo.

They probably could have gotten through the whole class without too much ridicule–but it was really a bad choice to do the demonstration. All the gathered students hooted and howled with the ala natural dialogue, but not nearly as much as they squalled in laughter over the dainty terms, which seemed as awkward as a Baptist family having an audience with the Pope.

Because of that forum, I have never used the word dang.

I don’t think that was the goal.

So I apologize to the educators.

Cripple

Cripple: (n) a person who is disabled or impaired in any way:

Webster considers the word “cripple” to be offensive.

I wonder if we have reached a point in our play-it-safe-society where, in trying to pursue what we might refer to as neutral language, we’ve actually ended up becoming more offensive by pointing out that this particular language which we now eschew is forbidden because the people it refers to are constantly perceived as underdogs.

Honestly, I never gave the first thought about someone in a wheelchair until I found myself in one.

I suppose I assumed that they were paralyzed, or perhaps had been so stricken by disease that they were unable to stand and walk.

Certainly, my training as a good Midwestern Christian let me know that such individuals required healing, and if Jesus were really here, he would quickly get them back on their feet.

But you see, what is really offensive is believing that because a person can’t walk, he or she is less than someone who can, and therefore we must be careful not to offend them with some misused term.

After all, there was a time when the word “retarded” to the average person meant exactly the same thing in exactly the same spirit as the word “challenged.”

Is it less vicious to call someone challenged than to call him or her retarded?

I don’t know and neither do you. We just follow the temporary whim of society’s need to imitate inclusion.

Then again, the “N word,” which is now considered to be abominable, was derived from the romance languages. For in Latin, the word “black” is “niger.” In Spanish, it is “negra.” Perhaps that’s where they came up with the “N word.”

What is offensive is a condescending belief that we must defend people because we have decided they are incapable of speaking for themselves. Is that not truly the most prejudiced thing that we can possibly do?

So if you come to see me and you want to find out what difficulty I’m having with my legs, you can relax.

Because crippled, weakened, impaired, challenged, hobbled or blessed all sound basically the same to me.

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Consensual

Consensual: (adj) relating to or involving consent or consensus.

For the first forty years of a man’s life, he travels with a buddy.

It is his penis, Dick.

Wang. Willy. Or any other names that have been associated with the partner.

This particular companion is not always in accordance with the man himself. He has plans of his own, desires he pursues, hobbies he likes and although only he funny wisdom on words that begin with a C
has a very small capacity for brain storage, thinks in his own lane.

This creates a problem: the man may be a complete gentleman who would never offend a woman in any way, shape or form. But the buddy–as we have called him–does not hold to that approach. Matter of fact, he thinks the gentle approach is tentative and will leave both of them unsatisfied.

So even though the man may meet a lovely woman whom he wants to ingratiate through courtesy and conversation, Mr. Excitement would like to speed things along.

For instance, he’s never quite sure what the purpose is for the second drink or a bevy of compliments. He sees no particular reason not to tell a dirty joke–just to see if there might be an open door, so to speak. The best word to describe this second part of the duo is “inappropriate.”

So although men under the age of forty try desperately to keep Mr. Inappropriate out of their general interactions with women, he pops up and speaks out.

Because of this, there probably isn’t a man alive who has not been offensive, and pushed forward too much, taking away the sanctity and the beauty of a consensual agreement.

Mr. Pants Dweller is totally sold out to the idea that every woman wants him–she just hasn’t discovered her yearning as of yet.

Fortunately, in most situations–and especially after the age of forty–the overbearing roommate mellows out a little bit,  enabling a relationship to bloom.

So do yourself a favor. Stop being defensive around women about how you “never, ever” have said anything untoward or out of bounds.

Just explain that you’re trying to train a pet monkey when to show up with the banana.

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Chat Room

Chat room: (n) an area on the Internet where users can communicate,

“Engage.”

Yes, that was the advice given to me by one of the web wizards instructing me in how to increase my presence on social media.

I was supposed to go into chat rooms and converse with those individuals who had accumulated in various clumps based upon their interest level in a particular topic.

I saw no reason to argue with the expert advice, so I found a couple of chat rooms that pertained to my particular writing style, musical interest and overall vision of life’s mission.

I started out slow–just tossed off a couple of ideas.

Suddenly I was attacked. I apparently had said something with an incorrect inflection which came through my writing as offensive.

So I apologized.

My apology was not accepted because it read insincere. I tried to explain my level of sincerity.Then the people in the chat room thought I was being pompous and self-righteous. Pleading with them that I was not pompous or self-righteous, but to the contrary, had set my direction in life to be at odds with such ridiculous profiles, they then wanted to know what I meant by “ridiculous.”

One person mentioned that without some sort of organization, how could anything be achieved?

Whatever way I turned, I ran into somebody who was either offended or was bound and determined to try to offend me.

Attempting to be up to date with the times, I continued for a few days in various chat rooms, pursuing some means of communal relationship.

It was utterly disastrous.

So I was gradually able to back my way out of the conversation and eventually they continued railing each other, unaware that I was gone.

I guess the premise would have to be that if you have enough time on your hands to be in a chat room, you probably have too much time on your hands.

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Bawl

Bawl: (v) to weep or cry noisily.Dictionary B

While I’m waiting for the good rendition of myself to arrive, I’ve decided to work with what is available.

Honestly, it’s the only way to keep from becoming defensive or offensive.

Because if you contend that you’re good, there are folks who will be glad to point out your over-estimation.

And if you walk around all the time looking for an altar of repentance, you will become an obnoxious victim.

I understand the importance of laughing, but I also must tell you the value of crying.

The difficulty I’ve encountered in the process of sprouting tears is that I generally do so in self-pity.

I cry, but more often than not, it’s for me.

So when it comes to forms of remorse like mourning and bawling, I must admit that I don’t even come close to these rather precious emotions unless I’m considering my own demise, how badly I’ve been cheated by others or the fact that traffic on the freeway dared to back up and inconvenience me.

Rather than purge myself of this inadequacy, I choose to treasure the moments when concern, compassion and gentleness towards others touched my heart.

I have probably bawled five times in my life.

Two of those times would have been over some lady who decided I was no longer needed.

Another time would have been the death of my son.

On another occasion, it would have been over-thinking my own mortality.

But there was that one time–that one amazing moment–when the heart of God entered my chest and made me feel what He feels when He sees his suffering children.

I will never forget it.

I yearn for it to happen again.

But it was a transcendent passage … when I stepped out of myself and saw the real need.

 

 

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Anodyne

dictionary with letter A

Anodyne: (adj) a manner of communicating unlikely to provoke dissent or offense, deliberately uncontentious

I have never used this word before, nor have I heard it. But I certainly have encountered the spirit of it everywhere I go.

Even though I am often invited to speak and share my thoughts in front of audiences, at the very last moment the sponsor often approaches me in a kindly, smiling profile, trying to gently determine if I plan on being offensive or controversial.

Everyone on Earth knows that nothing is ever achieved by spreading the banquet table of the status quo and offering it for general consumption. The status quo has already had a season of being the status, and its quo is so well-known that there’s very little interest in it.

So the goal is to try to find something that has a bit of edge and transition in its nature, but at the same time, is edifying to the human soul.

The other option is to purposely startle people under the guise of entertainment, hiding behind the religion of the First Amendment, which allows for free speech, no matter how stupid and useless it may be.

So what are the guidelines? I can only speak for myself.

1. Don’t share anything you haven’t tried and found to be successful in your own life.

Fad philosophy is just like fad dieting–for a little while it seems to work and then when it falls apart, you end up weighted down worse than before.

2. It should be understandable.

I’m tired of people expressing superiority by complicating life. If you can’t make it easier for folks, shut your damn mouth.

3. The goal should be to edify and exhort other human beings, even if they choose not to receive the benefits.

  • My heart is more important to me than the conclusion.
  • My motivation is more essential than success.

I have no intention of saying things that are safe, because in the long run, our world becomes dangerous when either goodness doesn’t take evil seriously, or when evil can prove that goodness is way too serious.

 

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