Currency

Currency: (n) something that is used as a medium of exchange; money.

Respect the buck and the buck won’t stop.

That’s what I believe.

American currency is very simple.

The one-dollar bill.

Keep a bunch of ’em around. They’re nice when you want to pick up an impetuous purchase like a candy bar. They’re also magnificent for giving to people on the street.

Here’s a suggestion: Out of each paycheck, take about twenty-five or thirty of those onsies, keep them in your pocket and find as many unique experiences as you can for passing them on, bidding them a fine journey.

Then there’s the five dollar bill.

The five-dollar bill is born to be “walleted.”

It is the price you’re willing to pay for a repair in your house without looking up too much information on the Internet.

It is a great currency to give to young people under the age of ten—for they still think it’s mucho money, appreciate it, and you can buy their love (which is what you wanted in the first place).

Also, it is a great piece of tender because Abraham Lincoln will allow you to bet him anywhere in Las Vegas—as long as you don’t move up to…

Yes.

The ten-dollar bill.

This has Alexander Hamilton upon it—which is perfect! Hamilton was one of those careful types, fearful that the United States would be cursed with bad credit if there weren’t some sort of organized National Bank. His critics were frightened that such an institution might squeeze the populace. (Thank God that never happened.)

And don’t you think Mr. Hamilton is perfect for gasoline? He will really take you places.

He’s also a great bill to use for an offering at a church or charity. Ten dollars is not chintzy, like the fiver might be—and since we don’t have a fifteen-dollar-bill, not as expensive as Andy Jackson.

The twenty.

Andrew’s currency is terrific for making loans to people you know will never pay you back. Contrary to popular opinion, you are able to assist friends and family with what they call a loan as long as it never exceeds twenty dollars. And if they know this from the outset, they won’t bother you if it’s more than a Jackson. And if they do borrow it and never bring it back, well, hell. It’s just twenty dollars. (And every once in a while, when the moon is blue, they might just pay you back.)

Now, all the other brethren of bills should be kept in the bank.

Why?

Because you’ll spend them on things you don’t necessarily need, but you insanely want to purchase because you’re carrying a fifty-dollar-bill or a hundred-dollar-bill on you.

I know there is additional currency.

Five hundred. A thousand. Perhaps others.

But most of the people reading this article will not have much contact with them.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Crunchy

Crunchy: (adj) crisp or brittle.

Here I go again, bathing in the acid of honesty.

I don’t know why I do this. I could lie to you. You’d never know. It isn’t like you’re trying to vet me for government service.

I could deceive you like crazy.

But for some reason, I’ve settled in on this “schtick” of candor.

Truthfulness.

Honest, even if it makes me look a little dumb. Because I will tell you right now, looking a little dumb is better than lying and looking a lot dumb.

I don’t like crunchy things.

I just don’t.

People like their cereal crunchy.

Not me. I let mine sit around until it drowns, and the coroner arrives to confirm that it’s fully floppy and dead. As a kid, I often ate other children’s cereal they had rejected—“because it wasn’t crunchy anymore.”

Maybe that’s the root cause of my obesity. At least it would be fun to blame it on that.

I don’t like crunchy chicken.

You know—what they call “extra crispy?”

My French fries can be a little crispy—but if they’re a lot crispy, doesn’t that just mean they’re burned?

And I never got the idea of a crunchy candy bar. Has anyone ever tasted a Milky Way? No crunch anywhere. Just ecstasy.

I don’t like crunchy.

I will eat peanut brittle—only because I know that on the thirteenth chewing in my mouth, it turns into that delicious peanut butter paste I love so much.

Crunchy crunches.

And crunching is not a positive word. (Just consider your car.)

I don’t like to put my teeth into a reluctant apple. I know it sounds silly, but when an apple insists on being crisp and crunchy, I feel it’s just resistant to being eaten. Sometimes it even adds a sour disposition to match the crunch.

I have no criticism for people who like crunchy things, but my philosophy is, if you find yourself in the middle of the crunch…

Just pour on more milk and wait awhile.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C


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Billion

Billion:(n) one-thousand million.

Dictionary B

I certainly feel that one of the signs of aging is beginning to pine for former times, “when things were better.”

Matter of fact, if one could avoid that nostalgia, he or she could always appear to be contemporary, therefore potentially more youthful.

But somewhere along the line, a little grump appears in the stump speech.

  • You start recalling when candy bars had more nuts in them.
  • Or Coca-Cola cost a mere fraction of what it does now.

I heard one old fellow heave a huge sigh and explain that loaves of bread used to have twenty-three slices, and now a mere nineteen. (Who has time to count bread??)

I avoid this kind of activity like the true plague it is. It is certainly the moss growing on a crumbling tombstone.

Yet…I do have to admit that I am curious about when a million dollars stopped being a lot of money.

Matter of fact, the show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” might just evoke the response from the common man, “It’s a good place to start…”

I believe this was all caused by the introduction of the word “billion.”

I remember as a kid, “billion” was something you said when referring to an idea existing somewhere beyond the stars. Matter of fact, when you said it, you’d giggle.

“Maybe we could get a billion of ’em! Ha-ha-ha.”

Now we spend a billion dollars on toothpicks in the mess hall on army bases. (Don’t hold me to that stat. I’m just attempting irony.)

We even have people who are billionaires.

This isn’t right.

I don’t mind people having money; I just don’t know if you need a billion of it.

Somewhere along the line, to cease the insane greed for more and more material goods, we have to calm down the language of covetousness.

We need to teach our children the simplicity of enjoying five dollars because they fully understand … the complexity of earning it.

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Banana

Banana: (n) a long curved fruit that grows in clusters and has soft pulpy flesh and yellow skin when ripe.Dictionary B

I have two thoughts that come to my mind when I consider banana: one is a sensation of flavor and the other is a source of inadequacy.

First of all, a banana is a tricky fruit because when it’s not quite ripe, it tastes kind of “green” but is very high in potassium. When it actually begins to rot and has the banana flavor we’re accustomed to, it is high in sugar and you might as well be eating a candy bar.

I like bananas.

However, I do have memories from high school, of sitting at a lunch table with friends, eating a banana and having them all giggle, because in their adolescent minds, it conjured the image of a penis.

Now, here’s where the inadequacy comes in: I’ve never seen or eaten a banana that is actually the size of a man’s penis.

It’s another elaborate ruse from the male of the species, contending that his particular endowment is enriched beyond reality.

Every time I look at a banana and consider myself, I quickly shake my head, hoping to rid my brain of the unnecessary comparison.

Now I know this is childish, and I also realize it’s foolish to watch a beautiful woman at a distance eating a banana, and have unclean thoughts come into your head.

But I am not going to be dishonest with you after all these months of writing and pretend that “a banana is just a banana.”

No–a banana has transforming powers, both in nutrition … and in naughty thoughts.

 

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Apologetics

dictionary with letter A

Apologetics (n.): reasoned arguments defending a theory or belief.

Living in a world that wants to debate the power of argument and argue over the rules of debate, I find myself retreating in self-defense.

It isn’t that I’m afraid to make a stand, nor that I lack evidence of a personal nature on what I hold dear. It’s just that when I am limited to the power of mere articulation, I lose the majority of the beauty of my human emotion and faith.

We are not better people when we are convincing. For after all, Adolph Hitler was able to make a case for his Super Race.

What makes us viable and appealing is the stream of evidence which oozes from our pores as the proof of what lies within.

So a politician who is jaded and angry off-camera fails to convince me of his or her sincerity.

A corporation which revels in its slick advertising, capturing a market, is not nearly as appealing to me as one which takes responsibility for inferior products and sets in motion the research to improve.

And the religionist who mocks the simplicity of a child-like faith in favor of a theology with so many twists and turns that it produces a pretzel logic is not the mind of God to my weary ears.

Here’s what I want to know:

  • Can you tell me the truth?
  • Is it working for you?
  • What can you share with me that confirms that assertion?

Many centuries ago, a blind man who was healed by an itinerant preacher was mocked by the intellectuals of his day because the so-called miracle didn’t make any sense nor follow any acceptable form of religious practice.

His response was precious.

He said, “I don’t know about all your opinions and learned ways. All I know is that once I was blind, but now I see.”

Amen.

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Apologetic

dictionary with letter A

Apologetic (adj.) admitting and showing regret for a wrongdoing.

In my opinion, saying “I’m sorry” is only effective when it comes from the lips of an explorer instead of a captured criminal.

We live in a time when people do and say ridiculous things, and then are compelled by our media to stand in front of a microphone and mouth some sort of anemic confession of weakness, waiting for the news cycle to lose interest in them.

If they don’t do this, we assume they’re perniciously evil and should be shunned from the next barn-raising.

Yet an apology is probably the most powerful tool in human relationships. It is the glue that holds pieces together which are mismatched, but still strong because of the bond.

Still, an apology, like any other misused virtue, becomes nearly sinister when it is coerced and turned from the beauty of repentance to the aggravating death-march to compliance.

It reminds me of the parents who stand around and require their child to say “thank you” when you give the little one a candy bar. You become the victim of their insistence as the child, with chocolate dripping down his cheek, reluctantly mutters what is assumed to be words of gratitude.

How can we teach ourselves that an apology does not diminish, but rather, accentuates, our status?

I don’t know.

But there is a wise adage which states, “Except you repent, you will perish.”

To the human mind that seems unlikely. So what does perish?

What we lose in this transaction, because we have not used our own cognition to apologize, is the peace of mind and trust we have in others to be sincere–which can cause us to become angry, unforgiving souls … if we don’t believe them.

 

 

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Allowance

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Allowance: (n) a sum of money paid regularly to a person

I had to get out my educated pencil. (I am often glad that my writing tool sought higher education, since I didn’t.)

Having an educated instrument, I can take my meager abilities in mathematics and join with this smart pencil and come up with some fascinating figures.

Case in point: when I was eleven years old, my father reluctantly gave me twenty-five cents a week for allowance. Actually, he held a quarter out in front of me and always offered at least two or three regrets and four or five warnings about the value of money and how important it was to spend it wisely.

But you must realize, this was at a time when twenty-five cents would buy you five candy bars.

This was my allowance.

In comparison, when I lived in Hendersonville, Tennessee, with my children, I gave each one of them fifteen dollars a week. Making use of my magical pencil of intellect, I realize that this was very similar to the quarter I received when I was eleven. For now a decent candy bar at a convenience store can cost upwards to $1.50 to $2.00, and everything else is equally as inflated.

So which is better? To have a little bit of money with lots of possibilities, or have a lot of money with little possibility?

I also recall that by the time I reached my sixteenth birthday and wanted to go out on a date with a girl, my dad, who was now ailing from cancer, proudly handed me over a five-dollar bill for my first date. Similarly, when one of my young men in high school was going to be taking out a lady, it was necessary for me to give him three ten-dollar bills, which he still grumbled at, saying that he would have to really scrimp for dinner.

I know that the root word of “allowance” is “allow.” But even as a grown-up, I am learning that it is possible to simplify your finance even in the midst of raging increases. You don’t have to feel like you’re cheating yourself. Just “pass” on opportunities that don’t give you the payoff you desire.

For instance, when the alarming transition occurred and candy bars went from a nickel to a dime, I had to negotiate my purchases much more carefully, while waiting for the eventuality that my parents would catch on … and pop me up to fifty cents.