Appliance: (n) a piece of equipment designed to do a specific task, typically a domestic one.
I have often thought it would be a very intelligent maneuver to set my mind to becoming more of a handy man.
I have a very firm conviction (though many of you would consider it a superstition): I think my appliances know that I’m ignorant.
I think secretly they hide out in the kitchen, the bathroom or the office and plot ways to make me nervous by pretending to pull up lame at the most inopportune times so they can view me fidgeting nervously, wondering how to accomplish my task without them.
If you think about it, this is the only self-worth an appliance has. No one pops the bread in the toaster, has it cook to a golden brown and then pats the chrome while saying, “Thank you, toaster for doing your job.”
The only time we actually acknowledge the toaster, or any number of appliances, is when they decide to go on the fritz or become intermittent in some disgusting pattern. It is only then that we appreciate the value they bring to the household.
Is it too far out for me to believe that these appliances might have some sort of agreement among each other, to seek approval by refusing to operate?
So I think becoming a little more handy with tools, threatening to break them open and play with their innards, might be enough to rein them into submission.
Of course, the times I’ve hung around such skillful laborers, I have quickly deterred from my passion to pursue their abilities, because within moments, their explanations and terminology leave me totally baffled. (For instance, a friend of mine talked a good ten minutes about various types of screws before I realized he wasn’t being lascivious.)
So since I’m pathetic with the implements which might be able to fix my appliances, I’ve decided to be very polite, gentle and appreciative to them. Landing somewhere between encouraging a baby to walk and a dog to retrieve a frisbee, I have developed lingo for each and every one of them to let them know how much I value their service.
- So the dishwasher is “dear.”
- The toaster is “cool, man.”
- And the blender is “wow.”
I hope by using these little bursts of encouragement, I can keep them operating in tip-top shape…so they don’t feel the need to threaten me with the silent treatment or their shut-down mode.
Thank you for enjoying Words from Dic(tionary) — J.R. Practix