Arraign: (v) to call or bring someone before a court to answer a criminal charge.
I’ve never been arrested, although I have been accused of having an arresting personality. (Pardon me, that was pathetic.)
I have thought about what it would be like to have my rights read to me by some austere cop, hand-cuffed and taken away in the squad car. Strange notions come to my mind during these reflections.
First of all, I wonder if they would be upset when their normal handcuffs wouldn’t work on my fat wrists.
Also, since I’ve tried during exercise to get my arms to reach behind my back, I wonder if they would be equally as aggravated as I am by the process.
Then there would be the procedure of getting into the back of the squad car handcuffed, which, with my girth, could require several attempts and some very painful head-hitting.
This has made me believe that there is a necessity for me to maintain the straight and narrow, to avoid the calamaties which might occur during my arrest.
I’ve also thought about what I would do when I appeared before the judge and charges were read, and it came my time to speak concerning my guilt or innocence. You know what I mean.
“And what do you plead?”
I’ve even rehearsed.
“Not guilty, Your Honor.”
How about this?
“What, bro? Yous gotta be kiddin’.”
“Absolutely not guilty!”
“Double dutch not guilty!”
Or should I add some comedy to the event?
“Guilty of overeating, but not guilty on these charges!”
What kind of attorney would they give me? Since I’m not very wealthy, he or she would be court appointed–a nervous novice who would be unable to pronounce my name. So in the midst of the reading of the indictment and my lawyer trying to explain the situation, I would find myself interrupting to correct the mispronunciations.
Would that anal-attentive attitude be a positive in front of the judge?
All in all, I think it’s just best to watch arraignments on television, and to personally avoid them–because I’m just afraid the handcuffs would chafe my wrists.
I have very sensitive skin.
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