I was so intrigued by horse-back riding that I finally decided I needed to try it.
I found myself at a farm with horses, and decided to ask if they would saddle one up for me, and let me take a crack at it.
Well, because I’m a large man, they had to find a horse that was willing to accept my girth. That took a few moments. Then the saddle had to fit my butt. A little more time passing.
Soon I felt I was creating great inconvenience, but they insisted not–so after about an hour, the horse was brought to me and I was told to mount it.
This became problematic.
If you do not know, horses are tall.
You have to put your foot in the stirrup and hoist yourself in the air–to land astride a creature which tries to stand still, but does suffer from being fidgety.
I was completely unable to get myself up on the horse without using a ladder. (They jokingly explained to me that carrying such a ladder in the Old West would have been completely unacceptable.) But I survived the humiliation and found myself astride this magnificent beast.
I was astounded how high up it was, and how the ground threatened me from beneath, fearing that I would soon be bouncing on it.
But I was determined to continue. I grabbed the reins, the saddle-horn and squeezed my legs around the horse as much as possible, so as not to be expelled.
This action of constricting my legs created a cramp in my crotch. There’s no way to explain how uncomfortable a crotch cramp is. Even when you relax your legs, the cramp doesn’t go away.
But since I had insisted on riding this horse and they had taken a solid hour to prepare the animal for my use, I attempted to ignore the crotch cramp, which by this time, was nearly bringing me to tears.
Then my butt got sore from rubbing against the saddle.
The smell of the horse was not particularly pleasant, and because I was unable to relax, the entire ride was more like a medical procedure performed without anesthesia.
When we mercifully arrived back at the barn and they brought over the ladder, my legs had settled into such a cramp that when I tried to climb off, I tipped the ladder and fell to the ground with a huge thud.
The horse was startled and ran away into the woods, forcing my fine friends, who had accommodated me, to go on a merry chase.
The humiliation only lasted three or four days, but I fortunately have never placed myself astride any beast–ever again.
Thank you for enjoying Words from Dic(tionary) — J.R. Practix