Tag Archives: bale

Bale

Bale (n): a bundle of hayDictionary B

I think she liked me.

I know I liked her.

I don’t know how much I liked her. When you’re a teenager you’re so anxious to have romantic encounters that you’re willing to consider many obtuse options. It is amazing who looks good to you by Thursday afternoon at school when you really want to go out on a date for the weekend.

All summer long, I had been driving around town with this girl as we tried to conjure various adventures, while experimenting with conversation, learning how to communicate with someone of the opposite sex.

One day I told her I wanted to go out to a nearby farm and see my friend, Jack, who was working there baling hay. He chose this occupation in order to get in shape for the upcoming football season.

I knew she had a small crush on Jack, but I was not aware of the full extent of her hidden affections. When we arrived at the barn and Jack appeared in the doorway of the upper loft, shirtless, holding a pitchfork, with perspiration streaming down his pectorals, she lost it.

He looked like an image from a John Steinbeck novel, perfectly framed, with a sweaty, well-chiseled body. I peered down at my own well-nourished middle as she practically drooled, staring at the sight before her.

I thought to myself, this was not a good move, to come and see Jack.

We spent the rest of the day driving around, talking about how handsome Jack was and discussing how I should help her make connection with him.

I felt completely left out.

Rather than being the pursuer of budding romance, I was cast into the role of matchmaker.

I explained that I had planned to work on the farm this year, but discovered that I had hay fever.

She squinted, concern in her eyes, and said, “Hay fever?”

“Yes,” I replied. “Whenever I think about working in the hay fields, I break out into a sweat of great anxiety and fear.”

I thought it was particularly funny.

She didn’t even fathom my joke, but instead stared out the window … obviously conjuring images of a topless Jack. 

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Acrylics

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acrylic: (adj.) referring to synthetic resins and textile fibers, made from polymers of acrylic acid or acrylates: e.g. a red acrylic sweater.

That’s not how I remember acrylics!

I don’t know when they happened on the scene, but they leave a nasty memory in my mind.

Up until time that acrylics came into full swing, I had two young women traveling with me who were helpful, energetic and quite functional in aiding me in setting up the sound equipment for our music group. I never heard a complaint. They never lamented that they were too weak, too feminine or too girly-girl. Even when a guy came up and tried to take something from their hands in an attempt to be gentlemanly, they would turn the guy down and continue to be efficient roadies.

That is–until acrylic nails came along. Those little boogers were sent to turn women into nervous ninnies.

First of all, they were not perfected. So when applied, being unnatural to the normal nail on a woman’s hand, they were very willing to separate and break off if you even PEERED at them. So since these dear ladies in my group had spent the money on this new nail treatment, and considering that it was a bit embarrassing to have nine intact but one busted and split like the side of a fiber-glass boat, the women became constantly worried–and refused to carry equipment.

So here I am, moving from a work force of three to just me, to tote that barge and lift that bale, because the girls must avoid laborious duty in order to protect their acrylics.

But the final insult was when they were in the process of dressing for the gig, and one would break anyway. So not only had I sweat in vain, but I had a comrade on stage who was frightened to extend her hand for fear that the audience would notice that she had been ingloriously de-clawed.

Now, I am sure these things have improved over the years, but the word “acrylic” still makes my skin crawl and reminds me of the night that I was wiggling around in the van, in the dark, feeling my way–to find a little piece of the crap that one of my friends insisted had just fallen off of her finger, and was therefore still retrievable.