Tag Archives: butcher

Butcher

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Butcher: (adj.) a person whose trade is cutting up and selling meat in a shop

Growing up in Central Ohio, it never occurred to me that I was surrounded by German immigrants. The last names of my friends should have been tell-tale–Steinmetz, Moodesbaugh, Ristine–but I took it in stride, as normal.

So when our local butcher was named O’Dell (which was his first name) it didn’t even register on my young mind that this was unusual.

First of all the whole idea of having a butcher is relatively uncommon–except I guess some large grocery stores have sections where somebody dons a white cap and does a good imitation.

But O’Dell was a character. He hawked his meat to everyone who came into the little shop with great aplomb and grace. He was famous for his ham loaves. The ingredients were, of course, a secret. (I don’t know whether that’s because there were mysterious spices or perhaps unknown meats.)

But what he was most famous for was grinding his own hamburger–and then to prove it was really fresh, he would reach in, grab a small pinch, roll it into a ball, throw it in the air and let it land in his mouth, consuming it raw.

I don’t know how many times a day O’Dell did this. But certainly enough that he got a gut full of raw cow.

Unfortunately, about twenty years later, O’Dell got stomach cancer and died. Now I’m not saying this happened because he ate raw hamburger.

But it does give me pause … and has prevented me from ever indulging in uncooked meat of any type.

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Bow Tie

Bow tie: (n) a necktie in the form of a bow or a knot with two loops.

I realize it is very intolerant to proclaim something ridiculous, assigning no redeeming qualities to it whatsoever.Dictionary B

Yet we all do it.

And in some cases it is applicable.

If you will allow me a brutish example, I think farting is an absolutely amazing experience, but should never be presented as a community blessing. In other words, it is perfectly all right if people object to farting in public, as long as they don’t insist that farts were meant to stay inside.

Likewise, I am certain there is a place for the bow tie. Matter of fact, we have given it a location of honor for formal events, weddings, and occasions where kings or queens may frequent.

But generally speaking, when in public–just as with the fart–it’s a good idea not to don one of these pieces of neckwear. There is a stigma associated on someone who wears one on a Tuesday afternoon in Schenectady.

I am not going to go into what some of the implications might be, or how this individual might be viewed by the general public, but let us say that it isn’t what you might call a classic turn-on.

For a very brief week or two, I thought bow-ties might be an interesting choice for me, as a fashion statement. But every time I looked in the mirror, the short little bloom around my neck made my fat face appear about three times bigger. I looked like a butcher asking if you wanted to pick up a good deal on cold cuts.

Of course, no one told me. The human race is notorious for informing us how nice we look and then whispering and giggling behind our backs.

Finally, a dear friend of mine, in a moment of clarity and sanity, stepped up and said, “Your bow tie makes you look like you’re wearing a tourniquet that’s swollen your face.”

She was right.

So to all of those who love the bow tie, hat’s off to you.  But for the record, maybe you should consider hats.

 

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Beau

Beau: (n) a boyfriend or male admirer.Dictionary B

Although I don’t want to be considered a curmudgeon, there are certain words that rile me up.

One of them is “boyfriend.” And honestly, I am not any more enamored with the use of “beau.”

It is my discovery that to be a friend to a female, the last thing I need to be is a boy. Equally disappointing to the average woman is when we don the persona of man.

The reason we contend there’s a battle of the sexes is because we posture in our gender and insist on our uniqueness, making us a goddam threat. We don’t tolerate such an exclusive approach in other situations:

We don’t allow butchers to cut up our pets because they’re off work and miss the job.

We don’t permit teenagers to insist they don’t need to be part of the social structure because they’re too busy dealing with the angst of their acne.

Yet for some reason, it appears to be acceptable to hide behind the “guise of the guys” and the “mystique of the feminine.”

It’s hilarious–especially when you get around people in their senior years, who find themselves ingloriously dating, introducing their male partner as a “boyfriend.”

I have just found that the best way to get along with a woman is to make it clear that you do not consider her an acquisition, but rather, a confidante.

Adding the word “boy” inserts way to much testosterone.

And if you insist on being called “beau” in order to avoid boyfriend… then you add too much grits and gravy.

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Abnegate

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abnegate: v. to renounce or reject something desired or valuable: he attempted to abnegate personal responsibility.

So I get it.

It’s really not a sequester we’re going through now. Like so many things in life, it’s mis-named. It’s an abnegation.

All the people who were elected to go to Washington, D.C. to make laws which will pay for the needs of our government and its people have decided to abnegate their responsibility and pretend that they never understood the job description in the first place.

Of course, it happens all the time.

I go to the store to purchase some lunch meat and my butcher refuses to slice it for me–because there is a danger of cutting off one of his fingers or that I won’t be satisfied with the width he selected for my lunch meat. What do I think he IS? A butcher??

Then there’s the mechanic who will NOT work on my car–because the grease that ends up on his hands is so very difficult to get rid of at the end of the day, and he plans to go out with his wife in the evening, and it would be a real romance killer if his hands were not pristine. What do I think he IS? A mechanic??

And every time I call my doctor with some sort of physical problem, she explains to me that she studied medicine, but in no way was prepared to put it into practice or get her hands dirty by touching people’s sickly bodies. What do I think she IS? A doctor??

So I don’t know why we are so disappointed in our politicians–when they’ve made it clear that what they are is “politickers”–not lawmakers.

What fools we are to be shocked that they have abnegated their responsibility for progressing the great notion of American freedom, and like the butcher, refused to carve up the problem, and the mechanic, would not dirty his hands, and the doctor who didn’t realize how sick things were.

It is not a sequester.

It is an abnegation.

You think I could sell that to Fox News, MSNBC and CNN?

Abnegate

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abnegate: v. to renounce or reject something desired or valuable: he attempted to abnegate personal responsibility.

So I get it.

It’s really not a sequester we’re going through now. Like so many things in life, it’s mis-named. It’s an abnegation.

All the people who were elected to go to Washington, D.C. to make laws which will pay for the needs of our government and its people have decided to abnegate their responsibility and pretend that they never understood the job description in the first place.

Of course, it happens all the time.

I go to the store to purchase some lunch meat and my butcher refuses to slice it for me–because there is a danger of cutting off one of his fingers or that I won’t be satisfied with the width he selected for my lunch meat. What do I think he IS? A butcher??

Then there’s the mechanic who will NOT work on my car–because the grease that ends up on his hands is so very difficult to get rid of at the end of the day, and he plans to go out with his wife in the evening, and it would be a real romance killer if his hands were not pristine. What do I think he IS? A mechanic??

And every time I call my doctor with some sort of physical problem, she explains to me that she studied medicine, but in no way was prepared to put it into practice or get her hands dirty by touching people’s sickly bodies. What do I think she IS? A doctor??

So I don’t know why we are so disappointed in our politicians–when they’ve made it clear that what they are is “politickers”–not lawmakers.

What fools we are to be shocked that they have abnegated their responsibility for progressing the great notion of American freedom, and like the butcher, refused to carve up the problem, and the mechanic, would not dirty his hands, and the doctor who didn’t realize how sick things were.

It is not a sequester.

It is an abnegation.

You think I could sell that to Fox News, MSNBC and CNN?