Tag Archives: constipated

Conceit

Conceit: (n) excessive pride in oneself

What is excessive?

It reminds me of the old saying about prunes: “Is two enough? Is six too many?”

Of course, the source of that little piece of whimsy is that if you eat too few, your bowels won’t flow, and if you eat too many, you end up funny wisdom on words that begin with a C
gushing.

I guess that’s the way it is with conceit.

If you don’t have enough self-awareness to believe in your abilities to get you through the tough times, then you’ll probably have a life that’s constipated–gripped in fear.

On the other hand, if you think the journey is all about proclaiming the power of your excellence, you will produce so much information that people will not want to be near you.

Here’s a simple way to handle it:  when someone asks what you do, tell them without adding any of your credentials and awards.

For instance, someone asked me the other day: “What do you do for a living?”

I responded, “I’m a writer.”

I stopped. I didn’t explain what I write, how much I write, or whether someone, somewhere decided to give me an award for my scrawlings.

As it turned out, they were completely comfortable with my answer and pursued no further.

Had I produced one more “prune of thought,” my questioner would have been turned off by my self-gushing.

 

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Bowel Movement

Bowel movement: (n) an act of defecation.

We aren’t supposed to talk about it.Dictionary B

Matter of fact, it could be the definition of friendship. A friend is someone who has joined you in lengthy discussions about bowel movements.

Since it is the forbidden fruit of human dialogue, generally speaking, you have to develop a very close relationship with a fellow-bowel-mover to actually feel comfortable to open yourself up.

And once you get started, you can’t stop talking about it. It’s as if you’ve been culturally constipated and suddenly are granted the free flow of expression.

Uncorked, as it were.

And it is so enlightening when you hear other people discuss their “seated times,” and realize how much you have in common with them–with some delightful differences. It can nearly bring you to tears.

But we are told not to speak of such things and certainly not to joke about them. Otherwise we’ll be accused of “bathroom humor.”

It is amazing that something done by most people at least once a day is relegated to conversational obscurity.

So if you’re ever around me and I start sharing about “b.m.” you can be certain of two things:

  1. It’s on my mind
  2. You must be a damn good friend.

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Anus

dictionary with letter A

Anus: (n) the opening at the end of the alimentary canal through which waste matter leaves the body.

There are many standards used for friendship.

Actually, the word “friend” is used quite loosely in our daily lexicon to refer to anyone who is present in our midst and whom we don’t want to offend by calling an “acquaintance.”

But I have one major criterion for true friendship. I know that I am finally in the presence of someone who is my lasting comrade when we are able to discuss bowel movements with each other.

It’s not something you can force (pardon the expression).

But most relationships are somewhat constipated until you feel the freedom to, shall we say, “let it all hang out.” There is something liberating about being able to discuss one of the more tangible evidences of one’s daily life and progress with another human being without fear of ridicule or grossing them out.

I can honestly tell you that I’ve only been able to achieve this with less than a handful of people. I have attempted it with other folks, only to see our interaction quickly go from friendship to stranger.

Yes, they considered me very strange because I took one of the more important bodily functions which produces some of the greatest relief and attempted to make it a common topic.

I have an anus.

I have never used it for anything other than relieving my bowels. Well, I guess I do sit on it. But it is ridiculous for us to be nervous about discussing the dispelling of waste or the clogging up thereof.

Yes, an anal definition of friendship would be the ability to discuss the anus and its production level without fear of being incriminated or considered gauche.

And of course, you know you’re in deep levels of intimacy when color, texture, frequency and flow are free game for your profitable dialogue.

 

 

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Antipathy

dictionary with letter A

Antipathy: (n) a deep-seated dislike or aversion.

“Let’s take a vote!”

It was the scream that rattled a van I was traveling in many years ago with a bunch of kids from a church camp. Yes, any time any subject was brought up concerning the day’s activities or where we were going to eat, the children suddenly became democratic.

I wanted to be open-minded.

I wanted to be considered one of the “cool adults.” So I gave into the notion that the kids should have a right to determine their favorite projects and preferred tasty treats.

After traveling, playing and eating like this with a bunch of pre-teens for four days, I was not only constipated from the food choices, but also completely exhausted from absolutely meaningless activity.

The only thing I achieved was getting an extra ice-cream bar given to me by the collective horde for being the coolest counselor at the camp.

But unfortunately, the other adults at the camp were not nearly as impressed with my loose leadership.

I will tell you of a certainty that this problem is not limited to younger folks who have not yet discovered the purpose of life. For please consider–there are just some things on our journey that are not up for voting or discussion.

1. Loving people.

I don’t want to hear you tell me how hard it is to do or how you’ve been cheated or how you believe that God really would like to kill some folks. Here’s the end of the discussion: God loves people, and if you want to get anywhere near God, you’d better go along with His idea.

2. “I don’t want to change.”

That is most unfortunate. Maybe when we get done changing, we can give an ear on why it frustrates you. But showing up in a world that is structures through evolution and deciding that you’re not going to change is demanding that your hard head be forcibly cracked open.

Things are going to change and the only way you gain any control is by getting ahead of it instead of having the wheels of progress roll over your ribcage.

3. “I’m busy.”

No, you’re not. And the best way to become overwhelmed is to think you’re busy because then you’ll slow up and end up procrastinating, creating more work for tomorrow, which causes you to appear completely inept.

I am astounded at how much I get done when I don’t take the time to discuss how much it is.

So those are three things that can’t be voted on by our childish whim. In other words, some things need to be left alone and pursued with all of our passion, because believe it or not…they’re just right.

 

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