Curtsy

Curtsy: (n) a respectful bow made by women and girls

I cannot officially report that the stigma ever went away.

I think it passed after a couple of years—but Glenn certainly carried the sniff of it all through his general education days in our small town.

It all happened quite innocently.

For some reason, our high school decided to have a square dance for homecoming.

One of the teachers, our Spanish instructor, was quite the proponent of square dancing, and apparently made a case to the other teachers—how “cute it would be” for a bunch of high school students to participate in the old form of hoofing.

I remember that learning the square dancing was particularly mind-numbing, partly because it was so abstract to my adolescent mind, and also because I thought it looked like some of the stupidest shit I’d ever seen.

But the worst part was when we took one whole day—yes, an entire school period—to learn how to bow and curtsy.

Because somewhere in the process of doing this ridiculous dance (that should have been killed off with the rest of Dixie) there is a lot of this bowing and curtsying nonsense.

So each one of us had to come forward and show off our best bow, if you were a boy, or best curtsy, if you were a girl.

At first, the reluctance in the room hung like moss from trees.

But when the threat of extending the lesson into yet another day was put forth, we all realized we needed to get through this quickly and efficiently, so we became filled with (fake) enthusiasm, which nearly brought our Spanish teacher/square dance aficionado to tears.

Because we were trying to be exuberant, and even a little madcap, when Glenn took his turn–because the girl in front of him had just curtsied–his brain apparently froze and he did a curtsy also.

The room grew still.

Our teacher/instructor was so offended that Glenn was “mocking” her that he ended up being sent to the principal’s office.

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

Being teenage boys, we made the assumption that unbeknownst to Glenn, his body was screaming from some homosexual prison to be free.

And in doing the curtsy, he was manifesting his real desire, which was to be a fag. (This was long before “gay.”)

Even as I write this, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. But so did everything else I thought when I was fifteen.

Glenn later went out for the football team–probably to prove he was a man.

I think he expressed disdain for girls (like the rest of the macho locker-room gang) just so nobody would think he was “overly sensitive.”

Glenn had to be careful when we showered after gym class—not to cast his eyes in the direction of any fellow. So normally he sat on the bench, quietly dressing and staring into his locker.

This is why I can tell you of a certainty, through this tragic story of Glenn, that the curtsy is mighty dangerous.

 

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Chastity

Chastity: (n) the act of abstaining from sex

Sex is problematic because it feels good.

If there were no sensation other than the satisfaction that the male seed was traveling into the woman’s uterus to create children, it is
doubtful that the world could be populated.

So the Creator, in His wisdom, made the encounter the best few minutes of your life.

Although there are men who tout that they can go on for hours, the true goal is the last seven seconds.

That’s the memorable part. The rest is exercises to prepare for the game.

There are those who insist they enjoy the exercises, similar to muscle men who go on and on, discussing the value and delicious taste of a kale health shake–but basically, it’s that last seven seconds. And those seven seconds can control your life and make you do really stupid things if you’re not able to put it in perspective.

Standing in the way of common sense and clear thinking is the concept of chastity.

Although the individuals who preach this doctrine tout the value of purity and the glory of being free of guilt and sexually transmitted diseases, it does leave one hollow, without feeling love–vacant of a certain measure of satisfaction that was intended for our species.

Even the Creator said it’s “not good for a man to be alone.” Because in that loneliness is a sense of incompletion, because of not being loved and feeling the physical benefits of the experience.

  • What is the right amount of sex?
  • What is the wrong amount of sex?
  • When is sex evil?
  • When is sex good?
  • Is it only good if you’re married? (May I be truthful and say that married people, to judge by their facial expressions, are the worst advertisement possible for marriage.)
  • Is sex only good if it’s naughty?
  • Is sex only exciting when it’s with strange flesh?

These are great topics for discussion, that should be debated in a house of worship instead of a locker room.

But since religious people are afraid of sex and locker rooms don’t have that intimidation, many of the misconceptions, misrepresentations and even dark applications for this glorious piece of pleasure will continue to be whispered by those who are truly ignorant.

 

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Bath

Bath: (n) a process of immersing and washing one’s body in a large container of water.Dictionary B

I grew up in a small, two-bedroom house–one restroom and seven people. It is similar to having three people walk into a phone booth and make a call by committee.

It was many years before I discovered the importance of boundaries. For in my home, growing up, simply possessing the territory of the bathroom did not guarantee you privacy. I would occasionally be sitting on the pot and have one of my older brothers burst through the door, apply Brylcreem to his hair and comb away while I decided whether to continue my stinky endeavor.

Most humiliating was the fact that until I was about thirteen years old, my mother often came in during my bathtime to make sure I was being thorough. Being a kid, I never questioned this practice since I had no point of reference and certainly would not compare notes in the locker room with my friends.

She used these occasions to get chatty, sitting on the nearby toilet. She would discuss her day and even suggest various ways that I might choose to clean my private parts, which, for the time being, had become public domain.

I was uncomfortable with this, but keep in mind–she was my mother. It gave her almost martial law over my space.

Looking back, I realize that this was a bit bizarre.

Matter of fact, early on in my planning for a family, I recommended knocking before entering … and always celebrated the glorious wisdom of locks on doors.

 

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Anaconda

dictionary with letter A

Anaconda: (n) a semiaquatic snake of the boa family that may grow to a great size, native to tropical South America.

You can see the problem immediately as you read the definition.

After all, the wording is that it may grow to a great size. It sets up the scenario of what we might refer to as “anaconda envy.”

Could there be anything worse than being a tiny anaconda? Especially if you found yourself in water, swimming with those who had been birthed in the blacker parts of the jungle?

I guess you could always claim that the water you were swimming in was chilly. But wouldn’t that shrink your brother’s size also? It must be difficult to be an anaconda who is just normal snake size.

Consider this: the definition did not establish a “normal”, so it is easy to assume that the humongous snakes around you are the average, and you were just born a “little worm.”

So I imagine there is some anaconda competition–snakes sitting around the jungle (well, I guess they don’t sit)–but slithering about, measuring themselves and snickering at their unfortunate friends who were not so blessed by genetics.

Yes, even though all of us, as humans, may be terrified to be in a locker room, surrounded by the misrepresentation of “all men being created equal,” it certainly must be more frustrating … to be the victim of anaconda envy.

 

 

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