Tag Archives: movie

Abs

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abs: (n.) the abdominal muscles

I was so relieved.

I cannot tell you how worried I was, especially when I was seeing people like Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling and even a bunch of women on the movie screens, all of these individuals possessing this strange conglomeration of a knotty formation right in the middle of their stomachs, which now is commonly referred to as a “six-pack.”

I was a little concerned mainly because I did not have anything resembling this particular formation.

But I was informed by my doctor–or at least I interpreted this from her words–that I was just not born with them. Isn’t that terrific? Because if that were NOT the case, it would mean that I was lacking in some way or that it was necessary for me to learn how these outstanding specimens of physical health had achieved these configurations. But as it turns out, I do not possess the ability to acquire this.

(Now, what my doctor really said was, “You’re so fat that the muscles can’t be seen.” But I realized that she was just sending a subliminal thought to me, and I translated to, “Relax, Jon. You have other gifts besides abs.”)

For you see, my friends, we can spend our lives lamenting our lack or celebrating the party being thrown in our heads. I am overjoyed to know that by God‘s design, I am abless.

Where some people have a six-pack, God, the Father has given me … a refrigerator.

Abloom

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abloom: adj. covered in flowers.

I like flowers.

What I don’t like is pretending that I’m uninterested in flowers because if I stated in public that I was, I might be perceived as gay.

With all the necessary and valuable discussion going on about human relationships and civil rights–including equality for the gay community–it has heightened people’s defensive nature concerning what is gay and what is not.

So if you’re a guy, you can be nervous about going to a movie with another guy, feeling the need to worry about whether the appearance of two dudes together sends the signal that you’re sharing more than a bucket of popcorn. If you happen to be the kind of person who just enjoys good movies and doesn’t believe there’s any such thing as a “chick flick” or “macho films,” you can be seen as a borderline case–ready to jump into the rainbow coalition.

If you know your way around a kitchen and like to cook, you have to make sure that you have a beard, spiked hair and talk gruffly about things like motorcycles and football–or people might wonder if your delicacy is Twinkies.

It’s horrible.

I would love to walk outside and see a field abloom and be able to discuss the colorations and sheer utter magnitude of the vision without wondering if people thought I also had a poster of Judy Garland hanging in my boudoir. Is it going to be possible to actually become more open-minded, when we attribute certain levels of appreciation to a sexual preference instead of just plain human enjoyment?

  • Do I like Broadway musicals? Some of them.
  • Do I know how to decorate a room? Yes–even though I welcome other people’s opinions.
  • Can I say that the “fields are abloom” without people thinking that I am queenly? I fear not.

I will know we have grown as human beings when we talk more about human beings than we do about men, women, gay and straight. To me the whole thing is similar to our fourth grade obsession with cooties. Guys really liked girls but weren’t sure whether we were supposed to or not–and because of the eyeballing of our friends, we pretended that touching one of these females would cause multi-legged insects to infest our bodies. Let me be the first to say it: cuties don’t give you cooties.

And reporting that a field is abloom does not make you Anderson Cooper.

 

Abdul-Jabbar

by J. R. Practixdictionary with letter A

Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem: (1947-    ) U.S. basketball player; former name Lewis Ferdinand Alcindor. He played professionally for the Milwaukee Bucks from 1969-75 and the Los Angeles Lakers from 1975-89 and holds several records.

He was a thing of beauty.

I know men are not supposed to say that about other men. In today’s society we disguise our homophobia by silently being suspicious of any close contact or admiration expressed between folks of the same gender.

But Kareem (who was also an Abdul) was a fabulous basketball player. He did something called the “sky-hook,” which was really just a huge toss of the basketball high in the air over his head, which for the normal person would have had about a 3.3% chance of sinking the hole, but for him was in the high 60’s.Abdul Jabbar

But he sealed his immortality in my soul when he appeared in the movie Airplane as the humongously over-sized pilot who was hiding out from his real occupation, pretending he was NOT a famous athlete. I remember watching the movie, thinking how brave it was for him to step off the court into this new arena of acting, realizing that he would be a huge target for criticism, but took the risk anyway.

Yes, Abdul going into the movie industry was like the ultimate sky-hook. He just tossed it off, over his head, high into the air, confident that it would split the cords. He played with great players and still looked great. That’s pretty remarkable.

Most of us choose to hang around inferiors so that our work will appear to be stellar. Not Mr. K. A. J. He shared the glory with his teammates, but when their expertise failed to pull off the miracle of the win, he took his seven-foot-plus frame, and leaped in to save the day.

You know what else is interesting? He seems to be a really nice guy. I mean, it’s special when someone is humble because they decide to select humility–but upon careful gazing at their record, you are not surprised they have chosen that profile. But when somebody has set benchmarks in excellence, but still chooses simplicity and humility, it is a reminder that struggling to put oneself into the spotlight is an invitation to get bumped from the stage by someone on the A list.

I guess he’s a Muslim. If all Muslims were like Kareem, most of their public relations problems would be alleviated. So along about the same time that Cassius Clay became Mohammed Ali, Lou Alcindor became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Here’s the beauty: they didn’t turn into religious fanatics who blew up mosques.

They used their talents to become better people and create a more enjoyable world.

Abbacy

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter AAbbacy: (n.) the office or period of office of an abbot or abbess.

There are so many words there I don’t understand that I don’t know where to begin. So instead of beginning, let me do what most politicians do and just talk about stuff that comes to my mind that I really don’t understand.

My vision of an abbot is someone who wears robes and works in a church. That other word sounds an awful lot like Abyss, which was a really cool movie about a huge water snake coming in, staring at a girl and morphing into her face. (It’s too difficult to explain unless you’ve seen the movie.)

The other Abbot I’m aware of is Bud Abbot. He joined with Lou Costello to form, of course, Abbot and Costello.

I am dating myself to put these names into the article. Most people today would be completely unfamiliar with Abbot and Costello, so to focus in on Bud Abbot would be to double the potential for obscure and confusing knowledge. But for the record–he was the straight man–which I guess, WOULD describe an abbot,right?  Is there such a thing as a comical abbot? I suppose if YOU had to walk around all day in woolen robes, with a funny haircut, consume large portions of porridge and say prayers all day, you might feel like you were IN an abyss.

Which brings us back to where we started.

I don’t know what I’m talking about.