by J. R. Practix
Abilene: 1 a city in east central Kansas; pop. 6,242. It was the first terminus of the Chisholm Trail. 2. a city in north central Texas, an agricultural and oil industry center; pop. 106,654
Darned tootin’ if Abilene doesn’t need a song.
Phoenix has one–Seattle, too. Los Angeles has several. New York, Nashville, Memphis, New Orleans…all of them have got tuneful tributes.
It seems to be my duty to write Abilene a song. I guess I will start with the A, B, C formula. In other words, go through the alphabet and find words that rhyme wiht Abilene so as to find possibilities as to where this composition might go.
Let me see now… A, B, C. Nothing there. D gives us Dean. I don’t know what we’ll do with that. E, F… then there’s G. You get green and glean. Possible.
H, I, J, K… they’re all a wash. L. Lean. Of course, you’ve already got that in the name of the town–Abilene.
M. Mean. Not much use. N, O. Well, I guess n-o. No.
P for preen. How would you work that in?
Here’s one! Queen! Of course, I don’t know if they allow queens in Abilene.
R has nothing. S–Seen. Either the s-e-e-n or the s-c-e-n-e. So maybe I could make the scene in Abilene with my Queen named Jean. Hey, I forgot the J, for Jean. You see how it’s building??
Teen. That’s dangerous. Because my Queen, Jean, should not be a teen, or you’re in danger of statuatory rape.
U, V. Nothing there. Again.
W has ween. That’s frightening. Of course, X, Y and Z is just like the tail that never shakes off anything of value.
So what did we end up with?
Queen Jean who’s a teen from Abilene, who makes the scene and isn’t really mean, although she spends too much time in an attempt to preen. But her looks are never obscene.
Oh, there’s an O.
You see how it works? Genius HAS form and reason to it.
But even as I look at the results, I have to admit that the Abilene song may have just about as much promise as the city itself.
It’s not my fault. I tried.