Cutlery: (n) utensils for eating, esp. knives, forks, and spoons

I have much experience at making an ass of myself.

In deference to this article, I will rephrase:

My derriere is often exposed.

Throughout my life, in an attempt to appear more educated, prominent or opulent, I have used certain phrases in front of certain people I thought would certainly require the best of the King’s English.

I have gone so far as to seek out more sophisticated terminology in both dictionary and thesaurus, anticipating the arrival of some individual I deemed my superior. (Even the young woman who works with me now and takes my dictation, when she first arrived—since she was a classical musician—I felt the need to bone up on my knowledge of the Old Masters who composed the symphonies which are now the relics of orchestras across the world.)

Now, I have garnered that this process is not only foolish, but futile.

Eventually I always popped off with some little piece of verbiage which was so obscure that the target I hoped to impress would turn to me in frustration and say, “What is it you’re trying to say?”

To which I would reply, “I was merely inquiring what kind of cutlery you desired for the evening repast…”

Bewildered, the guest would stare and say something like:

“You mean fork, knife and spoon?”

Embarrassed, I had to acknowledge that this was exactly what I meant.

I quickly discovered that even if people are used to working in high-minded climates with qualified technicians, when they escape that environment, they like to leave the King’s English with the King.