Tag Archives: six-pack

Ail

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Ail: (v) to trouble or afflict someone in mind or body: e.g. exercise is good for whatever ails you.

Feeling “puny.”

That’s my favorite.

Since I’ve never had the pleasure of being small and thin, just being able to use the word “puny” to describe how I feel is a plus.

I don’t like the word “sick” because it has “ick” in it. But I guess it’s very representative.

Then we have the safe statement, where we proclaim that we’re “under the weather.” I don’t know exactly how that one got started. Basically, we’re all under the weather all the time. If you do succeed in getting over the weather, please contact me.

But probably my least favorite term for not feeling well is “ail.” Not only does it sound old-fashioned, as if you need the call the doctor three counties over and he’ll ride in on his favorite pony, toting some pills, but it’s also a little melodramatic.

It’s one of those examples of how “by our words we are justified and by our words we are condemned.”

Actually, you tend to get yelled at in our society if you don’t report your bumps and bruises, and also if you talk about them too much.

So what is the correct amount of conversation that should ensue over the fussy, physiological sensations that plague us from time to time?

All I know is that “ail” is much too serious-sounding to actually be taken seriously.

I guess I have to come back to “puny.” Even though the term isn’t very masculine, I can envision myself as possessing at least three of a six-pack.

Abs

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abs: (n.) the abdominal muscles

I was so relieved.

I cannot tell you how worried I was, especially when I was seeing people like Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling and even a bunch of women on the movie screens, all of these individuals possessing this strange conglomeration of a knotty formation right in the middle of their stomachs, which now is commonly referred to as a “six-pack.”

I was a little concerned mainly because I did not have anything resembling this particular formation.

But I was informed by my doctor–or at least I interpreted this from her words–that I was just not born with them. Isn’t that terrific? Because if that were NOT the case, it would mean that I was lacking in some way or that it was necessary for me to learn how these outstanding specimens of physical health had achieved these configurations. But as it turns out, I do not possess the ability to acquire this.

(Now, what my doctor really said was, “You’re so fat that the muscles can’t be seen.” But I realized that she was just sending a subliminal thought to me, and I translated to, “Relax, Jon. You have other gifts besides abs.”)

For you see, my friends, we can spend our lives lamenting our lack or celebrating the party being thrown in our heads. I am overjoyed to know that by God‘s design, I am abless.

Where some people have a six-pack, God, the Father has given me … a refrigerator.

Abaya

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter AAbaya: (n.) a full-length, sleeveless outer garment worn by Arabs.

One of the true signs of prejudice is our incessant belief that our particular selection of wardrobe is fashionable, while all other garments range from the sublime to the ridiculous.

If I was born in an Arab land, I might wear one of those sleeveless tunics. I think what would bother me most about the abaya is that I would have to go through a season of lifting weights to make sure that my biceps looked muscular instead of flabby. Of course, in the process of lifting weights, I might get other parts of my body to become equally as fit and trim. At that point, I would certainly not want to hide these muscular abs under a loose-fitting tunic. So I probably would come up with some silly rendition of the abaya–where there would be a hole cut in the center to exposed my flourishing six-pack. This would, of course, evoke scrutiny and possible criticism from other abaya wearers, who would find it completely inappropriate to ruin the fashion statement by showing off skin.

I would recoil from their criticism and stop wearing my abaya, which would make me feel alienated from society and soon I would stop my exercise regimen, begin to overeat, develop heart disease, and one day be waddling through the market to purchase chocolate-covered dates and fall over dead from a heart attack.

As you can see, an abaya is not for me.

I just want to make sure that I don’t criticize a Middle-Eastern “look” just because I find it questionable.

This may be the best road to peace–if for one week each culture that was ready to go to war just simply had to wear the clothing of the opposing culture, perhaps enough sympathy could be mustered that we would be forced to the peace table.

The nice thing about an abaya is that you could put on ten pounds and no one would ever know–as long as those “chubbies” didn’t show up around your jowls. Then you would have to wear an abaya with a turtleneck, which would probably also be considered inappropriate–even though I’m not sure the goats in the herd care one way or another.