Cologne: (n) scented toilet water or aftershave.

Just for the record (and if my vote counts) I firmly believe that all toilet water should be scented. I don’t know what other purpose the water
would have if it was out of its bowl, if it was not scented.

And I, for one, believe human beings are better if they smell good.

That may be because I’ve always been a portly fellow and greatly feared the stereotype of “all fat people stink.”

In other words, I don’t want some cloud of “p.u.” to descend on me in a moment when my deodorant is in retreat, my soap sniff has disappeared and my cologne is totally exhausted.

Without being too graphic, I put cologne everywhere. I don’t know why. There are places it seems unnecessary. In other words, not a normally high-traffic area. However, those regions are notorious for sprouting aromas which are generally deemed unpleasant.

So part of my morning ritual is to “smell up”–so that later on I don’t have to “smell down.”

I’ve been very fortunate. I’ve developed a reputation for nose approval.

I’m sure I’ve overdone it. For instance, folks should not be able to “smell you coming,” yet I have had people identify me from another room, knowing I was present long before they eyeballed me.


I also mix fragrances of cologne–once again, depending on the different parts of the body, a splash may work somewhere and more expensive stuff to don the face.

I must acknowledge at this point that I have already overworked this subject. Possibly I lost your attention a couple of paragraphs ago.

You may think I am paranoid about any type of normal human body odor. You would be correct.

I am not trying to evangelize my obsession with cologne. I have met people who hate it, and some who even insist they are allergic.

But until future notice, I will be an island of fragrance instead of a land of “stinky poo.”


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dictionary with letter A

Aroma: (n) a distinctive, typically pleasant smell.

“Fat people stink.”

The first time I heard this was in the seventh-grade locker room after football practice. Some rather slender teammate, who was by no means my great supporter, crinkled his nose, and in saying this prejudiced statement, made it clear that since I was fat, he had determined that my aroma was foul.

I couldn’t help myself–I sniffed under my arms to make sure that his words were untrue.

But from that day on I realized that “aroma” comes in two distinct packages:

  1. What we expect
  2. What we actually sniff

There have been times in my life when I’ve been around an extraordinarily beautiful woman, only to discover that she suffered from body odor and halitosis. Yet somewhere deep in my soul, I denied these facts in favor of her gorgeous visage.

I’ve also been around fairly unattractive women, and conjured an odor to confirm my decision to avoid them.

So I am not so sure I trust aroma.

And it certainly plays out in the selection of room sprays and candles with fragrance. One person’s “pleasant vanilla smell” is another’s “upchuck.”

To be completely candid, I have also been involved in the heat of the moment during romance and sniffed some things that would not normally be considered “pleasant”–and have used them as a motivation for arousal rather than denial.

So mark me down as one confused on the subject of aroma.

Maybe it’s only logical, considering the location of the nose … that lots of it is in our head. 


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