Tag Archives: crap

Abomasum

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abomasum: n. the fourth stomach of a ruminant, which receives food from the omasum and passes it to the small intestine.

I got really excited with this one.

Being obese all my life and maintaining a commitment to the cause, I thought how terrific it would be to have four stomachs. You see, what you would possess is a greater potential for filling up–but ALSO you could evenly distribute your  gluttony so it wouldn’t SEEM like you were over-eating.

But then I considered the physique of these ruminants. Do I really want to look like a cow? Perhaps better phrased, do I want to continue to look like a cow? That’s bull.

So I decided that having four stomachs only quadruples the need for weight loss.

The other thing that bothered me about this particular word is how depressing it must be to be the fourth stomach. Talk about being the low man on the totem pole! What would get sent to the fourth stomach?? You have three other containers in front of you vying for the better parts of the intake.

Wouldn’t it be my luck to be a fourth stomach. How would you feel? Especially since you’re down there at the end of the line, and your job is to send crap to the small intestine.

I think we all do feel that way sometimes–we are the fourth stomach in a goat, doing nothing but puttin’ out a bunch of crap.

I’m going to stop writing now. It’s too depressing…

Abjure

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abjure: v. solemnly renounce (a belief, cause or claim): his refusal to abjure the Catholic faith

I was trying to figure out if I’m EVER solemn. I guess my definition for “solemn” would be to give a placid response to any given situation, thus appearing to be in control and without excess emotional baggage.

I don’t see how you can “solemnly renounce.” Isn’t that an oxymoron? “Solemn” means you’re calm and “renounce” requires you to actively reject.

I think I would be really uncomfortable with anyone who would “solemnly” renounce anything. If it’s worth renouncing, it would certainly require raising a few blood pressure points as you walk away in disgust. And if you’re NOT that invested in it–so that you could be solemn–it’s not really renouncing, now, is it? It’s more like choosing not to get another helping of something or other in the great buffet of life.

Maybe that’s the problem in our generation. We want to come across like we’re “solemnly renouncing” things. We want our hot-headed to appear cool.  I believe that particular mixture would make you even out at lukewarm.

Yeah. That pretty well describes things, doesn’ t it? A lukewarm rendition of a once-hot meal that doesn’t even have the benefit of being eaten cold.

I guess I don’t “abjure” much…

If it’s important enough for me to participate in it, I bring my passion–both in favor and in disfavor to the cause. If it requires solemnity, I just usually go to bed and go to sleep.

It’s a funny time, isn’t it? A season in life when we come up with solemn renouncement like we’re proclaiming, “It’s a funny time” instead of being more forthcoming, by calling it “crap.”

 

Aberdeen

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Aberdeen: (1) a city in northeastern Scotland, a center of the North Sea oil industry, pop. 201,100. (2) a town in northeastern Maryland on Chesapeake Bay, pop. 13,067 (3) a city in northeastern South Dakota, a dairy center, pop. 24,658.

I’ve never been to Scotland, although I’ve heard rumors that the clothes will “kilt” ya. I have seen the movie Braveheart several times, which if I mentioned to a true Scotsman, would probably cause him to want to beat me to death with his bagpipes.

I’ve been to South Dakota twice. I remember on both occasions being surprised at how gloriously and pridefully unimpressive it was–and having the natives explain that South Dakota gets more tourism than North Dakota because it “sounds like it’s warmer.”

I certainly have been near Aberdeen, Maryland. My fond recollections of Maryland are the crab cakes they serve. Of course, the key to good crab cakes is all about the flavor of the cornbread batter. It should be sweet. Yes, crab cakes are what you might call a “deep-sea dessert.”

Like so many things in life, I know just enough about Aberdeen to be truly frustrating to anyone who has knowledge.

It’s not so much that silence is golden as it is that talking too much makes you look like crap