Condiment

Condiment: (n) a substance such as salt or ketchup that is used to add flavor to food.

I eat imitation crabmeat.

Real crab refuses to come to my neck of the woods–rents are too low, streets are not cared for enough and my yearly financial intake is unimpressive.

So I am stuck–or blessed–with the imitation (depending on what mood I’m in).

Unlike real crab, imitation crab is a substance with texture and very little flavor. That’s because it’s mostly egg whites, which could easily be classified as tasteless.

So when I sit down to eat my imitation crab, I need some sort of sauce, condiment or dip to give it gumption. A case could be made that I would lessen my calorie intake just by spooning the dip into my mouth. But there is enough texture, “fishiness” and girth to make the use of the imitation crab of some meaning.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

My favorite condiment is cocktail sauce. It has that little bit of horseradish in it that tickles my tongue (and my fancy, by the way.)

Yet the other night I found myself with imitation crab and no cocktail sauce. For some inexplicable reason I could not wrap my mind around using catsup or barbecue sauce.

In the corner of my refrigerator, standing tall but unused, was a container of honey mustard. Desperate to put my imitation crab to digestive conclusions, I squeezed some honey mustard on my plate–and dipped. It had just enough of a zing to give me my horseradish, and I had enough imagination to pretend that the mustard was really “the good red stuff.”

I was overjoyed.

I was so thankful that I lifted up my honey mustard container and complimented my condiment.

 

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Angel food cake

dictionary with letter A

Angel food cake: (n.) a light, pale sponge cake made of flour, egg whites and no fat, typically baked in a ring shape and covered with soft icing.

Even though many people are possessed with the notion of eternal life, streets of gold, heavenly reward, bliss and mansions, I have a simple and short wish list for any afterlife that may or may not exist.

No calories.

That’s it.

When I finally finish this journey, I will have spent my entire life in the pursuit of weight loss, which at times teases me with a semblance of progress, only to later taunt me by having the lost pounds reappear as if I had deposited them into an account instead of squandering them in Vegas.

I am not angry, frustrated or giving up on the idea of trying to be trimmer and slimmer. But after many decades of maintaining a similar weight and actively pursuing different approaches to my eating habits, I gradually realize that if life was a poker game, I am sitting at the table with a pair of eights. (In other words, just enough to keep you thinking you should continue to play, but very little prospect of winning the hand unless you can bluff your opponent.)

This is my problem with angel food cake.

It is a lower calorie choice to devil’s food cake, but not absent caloric intake and so light that you feel you can have a second or third piece, which then brings it to equivalency with the satanic version.

It’s so cruel.

It’s like all diet foods. They are lower in calories, but the body immediately knows that the density and depth of quality is absent, so therefore requires more, making things equally as tubafying.

Angel food cake is delicious, but as you can see from the definition, the baker feels the need to add icing. Most people want a bit of strawberries or whipped cream, and then, because it’s a more prudent choice, additional slices are required, are they not?

I do not know what the secret is to weight loss. Anyone who tells me they do I know to be either a fool or a charlatan.

But I do know this–simply calling something angelic does not mean it came from heaven. 

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