Tag Archives: horny

Abelard

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abelard: Peter (1079 – 1142) French scholar, theologian and philosopher. He is famous for his tragic love affair with his student, Heloise.

“Tragic love affair.”

You know what’s tragic about it? Old Pete and Heloise let circumstance keep them apart and decided to pretend they were in love at a distance instead of chasing each other down and living together for the rest of their lives.

You see, that’s the problem with romance. At first, it’s just too romantic. It later becomes real. Then it often ends up disappointed. There’s nothing wrong with having a silly infatuation filled with love letters, flowers and candy. To say anything against that would be like storming the gates of heaven with a butter knife.

But you can add one thing to your romantic tizzy when you’re first getting started with a new possibility. The two of you can sit down in a moment of non-sexual blur and decide how to handle confrontation–because confrontation is essential in a relationship. This may shock you, but it ends up that we really don’t love our lovers “just the way they are.”

So rather than being five years down the road and waking up one morning realizing that for some unexplained reason you have fallen out of love with your former-hot-mama, it might just be a good idea to deal with the smaller problems when they come up–and have a way to talk them through instead of just tolerating them because you’re horny.

Yes, if Old Pete and Heloise had said to one another, “We’re in love, but we’ve got some problems here with people interfering and both of us are a little bit chicken to fight the critics, so maybe together we can come up with a backbone between us…”

Well, if they had done that, they might have ended up together instead of being listed in the  Dictionary as a “tragic love affair.”

It is true that love is a many splendid thing–but it becomes even better when you find your voice and you’re able to share, fairly candidly, your heart’s desire.

Abecedarian

by J. R. Practixdictionary with letter A

Abecedarian:  adj. (1) arranged alphabetically (2) rudimentary, elementary: abecedarian technology (3) n. a person who is just learning, a novice

I never end up looking dumb unless I insist that I’m not dumb when I really am dumb and therefore, in conclusion, am proclaimed to be … well, dumb.

I wish I could learn this for all time. I still have this great desire to embellish, puff up my credentials and overstate my qualities. I guess I’m afraid that if I don’t toot my own horn, nothing horny will ever occur, so to speak.

When I was younger and flirting, I sometimes made the mistake of postulating on my prowess and then later found out, when someone took me up on my offer, that all of my claims were easily disproven in reality. Very embarrassing.

Yes, it is very important to be an abecedarian in the realm of sexuality. In no other category of life do false promises come to light quite as quickly as with that particular maneuver–followed in a close second by education.

I assume we are all occasionally tempted to make our menial qualifications of learning appear to be more “Ivy League.” But with the availability of the Internet, Google search and the suspicion of the general populace, one’s academic history can be acquired with too much ease to ever graduate yourself to a false state.

And then there’s abilities. I can always tell when someone has no talent. They talk to you about how much talent they have. Actually, that’s the beauty of talent–you don’t have to talk, advertise, promote or print a brochure. You can just punch a button inside your soul–and do it.

So I’m glad there’s a name for the profile of appearing to be a novice in life as a protection against the dangers of exaggeration. Let me just simplify things and say I am an abecedarian. And then maybe human beings–and God, in His infinite mercy–will grant me some much-needed slack.