Cream One’s Jeans

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cream one’s jeans: (v) to experience emission of a small amount of semen 

I was twenty-five years old and just smart enough that I seemed like a genius among my peers.

It is a very dangerous supposition—because possessing premature gravitas does not mean you have adequate “salt and pepper” in your philosophy. But my friends—and their friends—trusted me explicitly.

So when a young woman came to me for counseling, I was more than willing to help her through her hour of need. She was very attractive—but I felt that I was mature enough to handle it in a clinical fashion, and would not allow my animal to slink out of the jungle.

It went along pretty well. Unfortunately, the problems she was experiencing were of a sexual nature, with her fiancé. She was very willing to be honest—dare I say, even blatant. I tried not to become emotionally involved in her situation, but she was so doggone pretty that I found myself siding with her rather than actually helping her find the key to her solution.

I thought I was doing more good than harm until after the third session—for when she left, I went into the bathroom, pulled down my underwear to urinate, and there it was: a little deposit of fresh cream in my shorts from my body’s excitement.

I felt stupid.

Aside from being a little bit yucky, it was a piece of evidence which could not be denied. It proved that my mind was moving sexually instead of heavenly.

I was so pissed.

I continued a few more sessions but at the end of each one I found the same surprise. Yes—I was creaming my jeans over a young woman I was supposed to be enriching.

She didn’t know, and she would never know unless I told her or tried to act out my body’s wishes.

At this point I had to decide whether I was just clever or really caring. There is a major difference. People who are just clever don’t really care if it hurts anyone or not, and people who are really caring sometimes have to walk away from their need to appear clever so as to actually be caring.

I explained to the young lady that I was going to send her off to someone who was more suited to her problem, and that she could counsel her better in these matters than I. The young woman was disappointed, but not crestfallen. After all, she was there for help…not foreplay.

I learned that day the difference between just loving yourself and really loving your neighbor just as much.

 

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Boob

Boob: (n) a foolish or stupid person.

If there was ever any doubt that male chauvinism is ensconced in the culture of the American public, one need go no further than to consider the word “boob.”Dictionary B

It has two meanings, which should not necessarily coincide or even ever bump up against each other in the night.

After all, a boob is someone who is completely disconnected with reality, and is intoxicated on the fumes of idealism.

It is also a common, though crude, reference to the female breast.

It is not much of a drive on the highway of reason to realize that we believe that most pernicious air-headedness is contained in the female of our species.

This is one of those subtle clues which lets us know that even though we muster the faith and energy to tolerate one another for sexual purposes, procreation or even mutual responsibility for a mortgage, privately the war between men and women is conducted with jabs, often disguised as innocence.

 

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Aural

Aural: (adj) of or relating to the ear or the sense of hearing.

Unashamedly, I will tell you that I enjoy being ornery. Perhaps I should give you a definition for ornery.dictionary with letter A

Ornery is 2 steps short of naughty and about 20 miles from gross.

Ornery is when something silly or sexual may come to your mind, and rather than blurting it out, you look for a clever way to play on the words so as to communicate that you are still viable without appearing to be a dirty old man.

It’s like today’s word. The minute I read it, my mind went to “aural sex.”

I’m sorry–it did.

Yet if I had giggled my way through this essay without preface, you might find me to be naughty or gross instead of just ornery. But since you’ve been kind enough to read what I’ve had to say thus far, may I go ahead and give you my definition for aural sex:

Aural sex is sex that is good enough that you can hear it.

 

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Areola

dictionary with letter A

Areola: (n) a small circular area, in particular the ring of pigmented skin surrounding a nipple.

It is a God thing.

I know it’s a little freaky to talk about sexual matters, and tie them into divine wishes, but forgive me. I feel comfortable with it.

Nowhere in the entire universe do you find the sense of humor, the passion and the sensuality of God as much as you do in the female breast.

Aside from being utterly magnificent in its form, and appreciated by men like me despite its various incarnations, it is a total blending of the practical and pleasurable.

Ninety percent of it is fatty tissue. Normally, we’re unimpressed with bulgy fat– unless it happens to land on the top of the female torso. I have some such bulges in my waistline, but no one is displaying it on the Internet for $8.99 downloads.

Pretty good sales job–to put simple fatty tissue in the correct location to stimulate lust. Remarkable.

Then you come to the nipple. Everyone in the world knows it has only one logistical use–babies really like the shape and find it easy to extricate Moma’s milk from the utility provided.

But let’s be honest. God could have just made fattened nipples. Right? In other words, a clump of extra skin and a doo-dad for baby.

But no. Not God.

Playful Creator He is, He decides to surround this practical implement with an areola. And then He inserts nerve endings aplenty for sensitivity and sexual arousal.

So you got the whole package here, ladies and gentlemen:

You got the clump of fat with the nipple for Junior

And a sensitive areola to use as foreplay

If we really just evolved based on the parts of us that are most applicable, then the areola certainly should have been abandoned tens of thousands of years ago. But since we were created, our Maker decided to give us as much pleasure as He could … without having us totally obsess over the product.

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Abecedarian

by J. R. Practixdictionary with letter A

Abecedarian:  adj. (1) arranged alphabetically (2) rudimentary, elementary: abecedarian technology (3) n. a person who is just learning, a novice

I never end up looking dumb unless I insist that I’m not dumb when I really am dumb and therefore, in conclusion, am proclaimed to be … well, dumb.

I wish I could learn this for all time. I still have this great desire to embellish, puff up my credentials and overstate my qualities. I guess I’m afraid that if I don’t toot my own horn, nothing horny will ever occur, so to speak.

When I was younger and flirting, I sometimes made the mistake of postulating on my prowess and then later found out, when someone took me up on my offer, that all of my claims were easily disproven in reality. Very embarrassing.

Yes, it is very important to be an abecedarian in the realm of sexuality. In no other category of life do false promises come to light quite as quickly as with that particular maneuver–followed in a close second by education.

I assume we are all occasionally tempted to make our menial qualifications of learning appear to be more “Ivy League.” But with the availability of the Internet, Google search and the suspicion of the general populace, one’s academic history can be acquired with too much ease to ever graduate yourself to a false state.

And then there’s abilities. I can always tell when someone has no talent. They talk to you about how much talent they have. Actually, that’s the beauty of talent–you don’t have to talk, advertise, promote or print a brochure. You can just punch a button inside your soul–and do it.

So I’m glad there’s a name for the profile of appearing to be a novice in life as a protection against the dangers of exaggeration. Let me just simplify things and say I am an abecedarian. And then maybe human beings–and God, in His infinite mercy–will grant me some much-needed slack.