Cream One’s Jeans

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Cream one’s jeans: (v) to experience emission of a small amount of semen 

I was twenty-five years old and just smart enough that I seemed like a genius among my peers.

It is a very dangerous supposition—because possessing premature gravitas does not mean you have adequate “salt and pepper” in your philosophy. But my friends—and their friends—trusted me explicitly.

So when a young woman came to me for counseling, I was more than willing to help her through her hour of need. She was very attractive—but I felt that I was mature enough to handle it in a clinical fashion, and would not allow my animal to slink out of the jungle.

It went along pretty well. Unfortunately, the problems she was experiencing were of a sexual nature, with her fiancé. She was very willing to be honest—dare I say, even blatant. I tried not to become emotionally involved in her situation, but she was so doggone pretty that I found myself siding with her rather than actually helping her find the key to her solution.

I thought I was doing more good than harm until after the third session—for when she left, I went into the bathroom, pulled down my underwear to urinate, and there it was: a little deposit of fresh cream in my shorts from my body’s excitement.

I felt stupid.

Aside from being a little bit yucky, it was a piece of evidence which could not be denied. It proved that my mind was moving sexually instead of heavenly.

I was so pissed.

I continued a few more sessions but at the end of each one I found the same surprise. Yes—I was creaming my jeans over a young woman I was supposed to be enriching.

She didn’t know, and she would never know unless I told her or tried to act out my body’s wishes.

At this point I had to decide whether I was just clever or really caring. There is a major difference. People who are just clever don’t really care if it hurts anyone or not, and people who are really caring sometimes have to walk away from their need to appear clever so as to actually be caring.

I explained to the young lady that I was going to send her off to someone who was more suited to her problem, and that she could counsel her better in these matters than I. The young woman was disappointed, but not crestfallen. After all, she was there for help…not foreplay.

I learned that day the difference between just loving yourself and really loving your neighbor just as much.


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Counseling: (n) professional guidance in resolving personal conflicts and emotional problems.

I certainly understand why people are leery of counsel. I completely comprehend why entering a counseling session could be terrifying.

Because as horrific as it may be to consider following an errant path, having one chosen for you and then failing would certainly place a root of bitterness deep in your soul, which could be very difficult to extract.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Stated bluntly, if I’m going to end up screwed, I’d like to be the driver.

For true counseling has nothing to do with guidance or instruction. Any person who desires to give counsel to another human being must understand that since God has no intention of removing free will from any son or daughter of Adam and Eve, it is therefore not the job of the inspirer to rob someone of his or her own fragile, but necessary, power of decision.

What is good counseling?

  1. Clarify all the crap, trash, fears, insecurities and prejudices and help individuals discover what really surrounds them.

Most people don’t die in battle. They pass away from suffocation, because that which could have aided them crushes them. A good counselor literally clears the air and allows a friend to see exactly what of the dilemma is real and what is trying to haunt the darkness.

  1. Long before answers arrive, questions must be taught politeness. They need to be arranged by importance and dealt with respectively within that lineup. The counselor helps someone to find the right questions and then place them in a pecking order.

After these two things are achieved, the counselor listens, only steering when a cliff is in sight.

If you want to call that “professional guidance,” then you would be correct.

But what I believe it to be is a calm reshuffling of availability.

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Cleave: (v) to either split or join

“A man shall leave his mother and a woman will leave her home, and they will cleave together and the twain shall be one flesh.”

A paraphrase from the Good Book. I think it’s very fascinating that the King James translators used the word “cleave.” Because as you can
see, it has a double meaning. It can refer to cutting apart–as in when it is associated with a cleaver. Or it can refer to enjoining, a fanciful term for clinging.

Isn’t that fascinating? Because that pretty well describes marriage.

A bad marriage can tear people apart. It can take a hatchet to their confidence and self-worth, leaving them childish and vengeful.

A good marriage, on the other hand, is when two intelligent people realize the power they have together, and mingle their energies into one solid human-life effort.

I guess what the Good Book fails to communicate is, what makes the difference? What distinguishes a bad marriage from a good marriage?

It’s actually the same thing that separates friendships, partnerships and family relationships. Somewhere along the line, people who love each other stop competing. It’s usually not planned–it’s probably not the by-product of a long conversation or hours of counseling.

Confident of the love of another person, we no longer feel the need to be superior. We are satisfied with a joint project. We don’t insist on separate minds, separate practices, separate ways or separate fears.

We blend. We relax. We realize that if love doesn’t work, then we’ve just used up our last chance.

How shall we cleave?

Shall we cut one another apart in an attempt to make our portion seem more valuable?

Or shall we blur the differences and congeal into a sense of oneness?

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Bad-tempered: (adj) easily annoyed or made angry.Dictionary B

During a teeny, tiny length of time in my journey, I presumptuously decided that I was somewhat qualified to offer counsel to other people.

Yes, I understand how foolish that truly is, but at the time, I found it to be magnanimous and perhaps even beneficial.

One day a gentleman came into my office. (Well, it wasn’t exactly my office. It was a back room where I had placed a desk, barely qualifying it.)

He sat down and told me that his wife and friends demanded that he come to counseling because they claimed he was “bad-tempered.” He looked at me, wide-eyed, with some crimson in his cheeks, and said, “I don’t know where they get the idea that I’m bad-tempered. I just won’t put up with any shit.”

There you go. There is the definition of bad-tempered.

This is why we live in a society which is always on the verge of a snit. It has become the common belief that we are not supposed to “put up with shit.” Even among those who are so prim and proper that they would not use the word shit–they will not tolerate doo-doo.

I would call it the first rule of being a human being: I will certainly need to put up with some shit. It’s what happens next that makes the difference,

  • Do I fight back?
  • Do I object?
  • Do I ignore?
  • Do I side-step the interference and proceed?
  • Do I listen long enough to find out if there’s some constructive criticism?

Yes, the definition of bad-tempered is the notion that we are born to fight back and not put up with shit.

Even our birth should have clued us in on how ridiculous this is: squeezing out of a tiny opening with no air in our lungs, covered in blood and slapped to get us going–that should have told us that this earthly experience will be peppered with some difficulty.


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dictionary with letter A

Annoy: (v) to irritate someone; make someone a little angry.

The interesting fact is that “to annoy” or “an annoyance” falls under two categories–the obvious annoy and the unknown annoy.

I am not a novice to the obvious annoy.

There are folks you meet who are fun to tease because they either over-react in a comical sense, or they desperately try to ignore you while sprouting great fits of exasperation.

I cannot say that I’m proud of my occasional penchant for wanting to annoy others. It’s just a sense of curiosity about why some people find certain words, actions or even visuals distasteful, and I am able to practically control them by continuing to share these things in front of them, while getting ticked in my own soul over their frustration. As I said, I’m not proud of that, but have been known to participate.

But when it comes to the unknown annoy which happens, I have to admit that I’m baffled.

Sometimes I meet people, and even though I try, with all of my tenderness, humility and conversation, to evoke their pleasure, for some reason they find me distasteful.

I don’t know why, and on those occasions when I ask them if I’ve done something to offend, they insist that there’s nothing wrong while getting even more perturbed.

I remember one night, I was told that a girl with anorexia was coming to a party and she was in the midst of counseling and recovery. I immediately excused myself and left.

You see, I’m a fat man–so overweight that my mere appearance might cause a relapse in the young woman.

Yes, she would be annoyed at my sight.

You see, that one I get. But sometimes we remind people of other folks who have hurt them–or maybe it’s a smell. I don’t know.

So here’s a clue: when I choose to annoy, I need to remember to be careful and not overdo it. But when people find me annoying for no particular reason, I need to give them the room to ignore me … without having an opinion on their decision..

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