by J. R. Practix

Accouchement: (n.) the action of giving birth to a baby.

Here’s the scenario–a series of “if’s and then’s.” In other words, IF I got myself in the situation, THEN I would be able to do the following:

If I was invited into a room where a woman was about to give birth and I found her in distress then it might be a good idea to have this word, “accouchement” to throw into the mix, partly to make it clear that I was a well-educated and informative sort, but also as a distraction.

And of course, it would have to be timed perfectly. Just as she was about to have a contraction, I could blurt out, “I’m certainly delighted to be here at your accouchement!”

Surprised and probably a bit alarmed by the new word springing into the air, her mind would be removed from the pangs of childbirth as she looked at me, bewildered, and said, “What???”

I could then time my answer to coordinate with the length of the contraction, and relieve her of giving too much focus to the travail.

If I were successful, then later on, after the child was born–perhaps at the kid’s high school graduation–we could laugh about the incident, and she might make a nice, gentle remark, such as: “Mentioning that strange word was very helpful to me at that point in my life.”

I might sprout a tear in the corner of my right eye and be grateful for the power of the vernacular.

Other than that, I have no damn idea why that word exists.