Tag Archives: toilet

Balance

Balance: (n) an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.Dictionary B

It is the responsibility of every creature who has human skin to stop every once in a while, look back on the things they have said and believed…and giggle.

Sometimes it’s even necessary to openly repent in sackcloth and ashes, in front of our fellow skin-wearers.

I have said many stupid things in my life. Trying to explain why I shared these thoughts at the time would result in a series of cluttered excuses which would soon run into one another and topple the whole explanation.

So I shall not.

It is my purpose as a writer to be a truth-teller–not in the sense of pretending that I have the truth, but proving to you how I have pursued enough error that I can comfort you and warn you not to go in a particular direction.

For instance, one of the comical thoughts I once propagated was that life should be balanced. Matter of fact, I came up with a coy, little phrase: “Holy balance.”

It really did not take long for me to realize that an Earth that creates tornadoes has no intention of me ever standing on solid ground.

I now realize that life is in seasons and transitions, which we learn to enjoy. We also discover what to avoid.

I have lived long enough to view the many forms of hypocrisy which started out with the noble intention of being righteous. There are simply junctures when freedoms are acquired, upsetting those who felt they were in charge of doling out such consideration.

  • I am not in charge of your life.
  • I have no say in your freedom.
  • And I certainly cannot tell you that I have a balanced view on my fellow human beings.

For after all, there was just too much crap put in my toilet for me to have yet caught up … with all the flushing necessary.

 

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Apparatus

dictionary with letter A

Apparatus (n.) 1. the equipment needed for a particular activity or purpose. 2. a complex structure within an organization: the apparatus of government.

Did you read the definition??

There’s that horrible word which is plaguing our society, leaving us bewildered and baffled as to what to do next.

“Complex.”

There are folks who enjoy complexity. It makes them feel they are problem-solvers and more intelligent than their competition, or worse, that they have the inside track on how something or other works.

I’m not so sure I’ve ever used the word “apparatus.” To me, it conjures a vision of going to a store and asking for a specific mechanism which is only suited for one particular compartmentalized purpose.

I am incapable of this.

If the apparatus is that special, it really requires a qualified technician.

I learned a long time ago–just because I know what’s wrong and maybe even what needs to be done, it does not authorize me to be the doer.

Just because I know how to screw up my life does not mean I don’t need help to get it screwed back down.

And when it comes to matters of fixing things, repair, or even everyday tasks, I only implement three simple tools: a hammer, a pair of pliers and a screwdriver.

If for some reason, the task before me cannot be addressed with one of these tools, I need a professional to bring in an apparatus.

I’m even in a bit of terror when I use a plunger on a toilet. Why? Because after my work is complete and I’ve “plunged in,” as it were, then I have to flush it, and will find out if my labor was in vain.

Scary shit.

Literally.

So if you don’t mind, I don’t need an apparatus.

I will be willing to stand back and pay a craftsman to complete the repair … instead of having me create the need for more repair.

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Abattoir

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abattoir: n. a slaughterhouse

Thank God.

I will never, ever again have to nervously tell my friends that I will be unable to join them for dinner because I needed to pick up an extra shift at the slaughterhouse. I can just inform them that I am “tied up at the abattoir.”

Don’t you love words like that? Without them, our civilization might crumble in a series of offensive utterances that leave the room either confused or repelled.

For instance, how about the guy or gal who first came up with “restroom?” After all, even “bathroom” is a little bit weird and ambiguous. )It did, however,  at least give us the ability to escape crapper, pot, toilet and “take a dump.”)

Yes, because we have “civilized” our language, we are now able, as high-browed souls, to judge others on their improper usage of words.  If anyone is going to say in mixed company that they’re going to “take a crap,” we assume that they would kill baby birds and also vote for the candidate distasteful to our tender conscience.

I would love to see us resolve this with the issue of romance–because to proclaim that the previous evening afforded you the opportunity to have sex is way too blatant, conjuring images of you in the nude which are unpleasant to all participants. Equally nasty is “getting it on,” “hooking up,” “bumping uglies,” “getting some,” and even “making love.” I guess that last one, “making love,” is the least offensive, but it still invites images of movie scenes with soft lighting, air-brushed bodies and guaranteed orgasms for all parties.

Yes, now that we’ve taken care of that “slaughterhouse” dilemma, we need to work on a description of human sexuality that doesn’t leave the listener confused or completely grossed out.

What is the abattoir for romance? I wish they’d hold a contest. The submissions would be hilarious, don’t you think?

But in the meantime, I shall spend my day rejoicing that slaughtered pigs, cows, chickens and even goats are going out in finer style–at the abattoir.