Tag Archives: spooky

Corvette

Corvette: (n) brand name for a type of sports car made by Chevrolet

I think the correct term for it is “urban legend,” although, since I grew up in a town of only fifteen hundred people, it may be a rural legend.

When I was a boy there was a man-made lake near our town which had several back roads along the banks, which were often impassable funny wisdom on words that begin with a C
because they were covered with water if the lake was particularly bloated by rains.

I was familiar with the roads because sometimes it was fun to go down them to park with your lady, or to scare your girlfriend because it was so spooky at night. (Everyone knows that teenage lasses who are frightened are much more susceptible to romance.)

On one of these roads, a gentleman took his 1969 bright-red Corvette Stingray, parked it, took out a shotgun and blew his head off.

It did no physical damage to the car whatsoever, so after he was removed and the remaining parts of him were cleaned out, his family tried to sell the car. The problem was, it was nearly a week before anyone found the body in the car, so the stench of the corpse had settled into the upholstery, and it was necessary to pull out all the seats, the dashboard, and start from scratch. They did this, figuring it would still be cost-effective to sell the automobile.

But even after all the fastidious effort, the smell of the dead man’s remains lingered—because a Corvette is made of fiberglass and is much more porous than metal. Therefore, it retained the stench.

Try as they would to deodorize, they were unable to get the odor out of that beautiful red Corvette.

It had to be junked.

I was present for this event, but I would understand if you wanted to question the authenticity or validity of the tale, and I do realize that at this point I should come up with a moral for the story or a clever closing for this essay, to make you yearn to come back for more.

But the best I can muster is, if you’re going to kill yourself, don’t do it in an expensive sports car, because no one will be able to “vette” your stink.


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Boo

Boo: (exclam) said suddenly to surprise someone.

Halloween–many years ago in Central Ohio, driving around with one of my buddies and three cheerleaders from the high school who came with us because we Dictionary Btold them that we knew where there was a ghost.

We had no idea what we were talking about.

But we realized the only way we could pull this off and get the lovely young ladies so scared that they would grab us around the neck and hug us for comfort was to come up with an unbelievably creative story and weave it in such a way that terror would fill the interior of my Chevy Impala.

There was an old house outside our town which had been abandoned for a long time–so long that moss was growing up the exterior walls, and also bats flying in and out of broken windows. We decided this was the best place to go to establish the foundation for our tale.

When we arrived in the pitch-black surroundings, we noticed in the upper left-hand corner window, there was a faint glow, as if someone had placed a candle. It was so eerie that I knew the god of story-telling, wherever he or she may be, had prepared it just for us.

I began my fable.

“In this house an old man killed himself up in that very left corner window, by hanging from a nearby rafter, swinging in the breeze.”

As I pointed to the window, there was suddenly a shadow that swept across the faint glow, floating back and forth.

It was damn spooky–so much so that the girls went absolutely stark-raving nuts, screaming–and I nearly eked out one myself. We huddled together in the car, staring up at the mysterious phantom illumination.

After a few minutes I got so freaked out that I started the car and took off, much to the chagrin of my friend, who still wanted to continue the fear-mongering (perhaps to the point of turning it into a make-out session.)

But you see, even though I made up the lie, and knew it was not true, I had convinced myself of its validity, to the point that I was thoroughly prepared for that old ghost, at any moment, to descend upon us with a big, old-fashioned “boo!”

Let me see: I generated a lie which I began to believe and because I was convinced of it, acted as if it was the truth.

Hell … I became a politician.

 

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Athwart

Athwart: (prep) in opposition or counter to.dictionary with letter A

I don’t want to be spooky.

I am not one of those fellows who finds God in every flower or a demon under every rock, but occasionally I have to admit, there are certain attitudes that permeate our society which seem to have been blown in by a wicked specter.

Maybe it’s because I find them dangerous, but more than likely, the reason these particular trends concern me is how quickly they inundate the thinking of the populace.

The one that comes to my mind, which seems to have become very popular in the past 15 to 20 years is the notion that we prove our intelligence by being negative.

Everyone wants to be a critic.

The trouble with critics is that when everyone is doing it, it is no longer a mere critique, but rather, eliminating the energy for creative ideas.

It’s scary to be creative.

Even as I write this essay, I have to be hyper-vigilant about grammar, detail, accuracy, length and form. Some of this is good, but the amount dumped on us is a burden that discourages experimenting with good ideas to see if they’re great.

At any moment, you can offer a suggestion and there is a multitude of nay-sayers standing nearby–to make these inclinations athwart.

Yes, they are fully prepared to explain in vivid and often vicious detail how stupid you are for your assertion. So the end result is a generation that plays it safe while simultaneously feeling no safety.

It will take courageous people chancing that their efforts may be ridiculed, but still proclaiming their thoughts, to overcome this mob mentality of merciless menacing.

My contribution is two-fold:

  • I will continue to create.
  • I choose not to take what is created in front of me athwart.

 

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Age

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Age: (n) 1. the length of time that a person has lived 2. a period of history 3. (v) to grow older, especially visibly

When I was twelve, I really wanted to be thirteen. God, I ached all over! It was probably just the onset of puberty, but I didn’t know.

I really looked forward to eighteen, too. Twenty-one was cool, but since eighteen was the new voting age and I wasn’t that interested in drinking–not a big deal.

I felt a little giddy when I was twenty-five because I got to be in that group of “over twenty-five.”

Thirty put a chill down my spine, but then I realized I had nine more years for the decade. By forty I had so many kids that I barely remember the birthday.

Fifty was spooky. It’s when I really began to notice that age IS an issue. I don’t know–maybe my skin turned grayer, or I limped more, or wrinkles formed in my forehead? I’m not sure. But suddenly, everybody under the age of thirty started to treat me like a senior citizen.

It was quite frightening when the envelope arrived from AARP, inviting me to be a member. I recall how horrified I was the first time some teenage girl at Applebee’s asked me if I wanted to apply my senior citizen’s discount. A little piece of my soul wanted to roll over, crumple and die.

But I have especially noticed it this year, as I travel around the country. Younger folks think it’s powerful to treat me like I’m over the hill and couldn’t possibly have anything to share with anyone who isn’t eating their meals through a straw.

Actually, I think we have four different “ages:”

  1. An emotional age, which should be more mature, but most folks freeze at about thirteen.
  2. A spiritual age–a delicate blending of a child’s heart and the wisdom of Solomon.
  3. A mental age, only determined by how willing we are to continue to learn instead of pouring cement into our cranial cavity.
  4. And a physical age, which is strongly determined by genetics, lifestyle and willingness to exercise and consume fruits and vegetables.

If you average all four of those ages, you arrive at your actual number. You should try it.

By the way, I tallied mine. I came up with 43 years, 8 months.

That’s about right.

Adult

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Words from Dic(tionary)

Adult: (n) a person who is fully grown or developed

There aren’t any. Adults, that is.

Well, there are people who are fully grown. It’s the development part I question.

Actually, since there’s no requirement in America for passing an emotional IQ test, we allow individuals who are extremely distraught and immature to hold positions ranging from government to religion to entertainment to air traffic controller.

In our country, it boils down to two categories:

  • those who still have an adolescent reaction to life’s difficulties–unashamedly
  • those who have an adolescent reaction to life’s difficulties with a little bit of shame

What is the difference? What makes an adult?

1. Stop taking things personally. Life is a game of “hot potato.” It WILL come your way.

2. Stop waiting for someone else to solve your problems. Actually, the fun of being grown-up is the freedom of making your own mistakes and correcting personal flaws.

3. Don’t measure yourself by those you see around you. Find someone, be it God, Gandhi, Jesus, Steven Spielberg or Mary Magdalene, whose character supersedes yours, and use him or her as your yardstick.

4. Be content but never satisfied. There’s a certain regality in celebrating cautiously.

5. And finally, don’t get pissed off so often. Save it. Believe you me, a good pissed-off possibility is just around the corner.

Until we have adults, we will have childish solutions offered in a grown-up world. It’s why at times our society feels like a Halloween party, where everybody comes dressed up, wanting candy, but the whole thing ends up kind of spooky and scary.