Category Archives: B words

Boo

Boo: (exclam) said suddenly to surprise someone.

Halloween–many years ago in Central Ohio, driving around with one of my buddies and three cheerleaders from the high school who came with us because we Dictionary Btold them that we knew where there was a ghost.

We had no idea what we were talking about.

But we realized the only way we could pull this off and get the lovely young ladies so scared that they would grab us around the neck and hug us for comfort was to come up with an unbelievably creative story and weave it in such a way that terror would fill the interior of my Chevy Impala.

There was an old house outside our town which had been abandoned for a long time–so long that moss was growing up the exterior walls, and also bats flying in and out of broken windows. We decided this was the best place to go to establish the foundation for our tale.

When we arrived in the pitch-black surroundings, we noticed in the upper left-hand corner window, there was a faint glow, as if someone had placed a candle. It was so eerie that I knew the god of story-telling, wherever he or she may be, had prepared it just for us.

I began my fable.

“In this house an old man killed himself up in that very left corner window, by hanging from a nearby rafter, swinging in the breeze.”

As I pointed to the window, there was suddenly a shadow that swept across the faint glow, floating back and forth.

It was damn spooky–so much so that the girls went absolutely stark-raving nuts, screaming–and I nearly eked out one myself. We huddled together in the car, staring up at the mysterious phantom illumination.

After a few minutes I got so freaked out that I started the car and took off, much to the chagrin of my friend, who still wanted to continue the fear-mongering (perhaps to the point of turning it into a make-out session.)

But you see, even though I made up the lie, and knew it was not true, I had convinced myself of its validity, to the point that I was thoroughly prepared for that old ghost, at any moment, to descend upon us with a big, old-fashioned “boo!”

Let me see: I generated a lie which I began to believe and because I was convinced of it, acted as if it was the truth.

Hell … I became a politician.

 

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Bony

Bony (adj) of or like bone.

I was born in the wrong century.Dictionary B

I should have been born during the Renaissance, when I could have been a renegade artist whose obesity would have been considered a sign of prosperity instead of weakness.

Yes, in the good old days, when people were struggling to get food, having a paunchy middle caused those around you to be envious of your luxurious calorie intake.

Nowadays, the human race actually prefers a controlled anorexia–even though I do not know what that would be, since the condition means that someone has lost control of their body.

We like people just short of bony–but also far away from plump. (By the way, we have removed the word “pleasingly.”)

I will admit that being overweight is a health hazard. I am not suggesting that people should literally “eat their heart out.” But we must also realize that “skin and bones” leaves the human body deprived of the nutrients to sustain well-being.

What’s the answer?

Gosh, I don’t know.

I guess we do the best we can with what we have, hoping to keep just enough flesh that no one has “a bone to pick with us.”

 

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Bon Voyage

Bon voyage: (exclam) used to express good wishes to someone about to go on a journey.

A great sense of embarrassment swept over my entire being, placing crimson in my cheeks and a chill down my spine because of my tremendous expression of Dictionary Bstupidity.

I was in Mexico. I didn’t want to come across ignorant. So deciding to avoid that, I attempted to do something ridiculous. I tried to take my two years of high school Spanish and put them to good use by experimenting with the locals.

After greeting them with “Buenos dias” and being able to ask them if they had a green pencil, I stared into their confounded faces and realized I should never have answered their question, “Habla Espanol?” (do you speak Spanish?) with the silly response of “Poco” (meaning a little).

There is perhaps no more egregious fracture of etiquette than to pretend you are able to be international because you’re on the workable end of a seven-word vocabulary.

Thus my feeling when I’m getting ready to go on a trip and someone shouts at me, “Bon voyage!”

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Bonus

Bonus: (n) something welcome and often unexpected

“…and if you vote for so-and-so, your life will become better.”Dictionary B

“…if you put twenty dollars a week from your paycheck into the bank, when you turn 65, you’ll have a nest egg.”

And of course:

“…if you believe in God, when you die you’ll go to heaven.”

These are examples of delayed bonuses.

I don’t believe that a bonus is really a benefit if it’s delayed.

The promise of a coming blessing is more aggravating than encouraging. In the meantime, it leaves you with two choices: you can suffer through what you’ve got, reflecting on what’s coming, or you can try to forget about what’s coming and convince yourself that what you’ve got is enough.

Both of these profiles have varying degrees of misery.

I don’t think I could be a spiritual person if I thought the only gift I received from such a relationship with God was eternal life.

First of all, I have no comprehension of life going on forever. Honestly, I don’t even know if I like the idea.

And secondly, I need confirmation that I will receive encouragement, value and opportunity by pursuing eternal life in my present journey.

If there’s too much time for the arrival of the carrot after being poked by the stick, the carrot stops feeling worth it.

In other words, if God’s will can’t be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, it’s just not much of a bonus package.

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Bonsai

Bonsai: (n) an ornamental tree or shrub grown in a pot

Once upon a time, in a kingdom where bank accounts were not depleted, I had some extra money burning a hole deep in my right pocket of selfishness.Dictionary B

It was scary.

I went over the bills three or four times just to make sure I hadn’t missed something, but at the end of my calculation, I discovered that I was temporarily endowed with abundance.

I wanted to do something lavishly weird–and not just lavish, like buying several cans of whipped cream, but weird. Something that would give others pause, but then they would feel foolish for questioning the wealthy fellow and his eccentric choices.

I hunted, I searched and I found a gentleman who sold bonsai trees.

I knew nothing about them. But I felt like owning one was a symbol of prosperity. So I bought two. Double the potency.

The fellow tried to explain to me the care of these plants and I listened with the attention span of a three-year-old who has to pee but also wants to ride the roller coaster.

When I got home with my bonsai trees, I realized that I had completely forgotten everything he said, and had left the literature behind, trusting my memory.

Then came that great, ridiculous American assertion: how hard can it be?

  • So I watered them
  • I trimmed their little branches (having remembered this being part of the process)
  • And every day when I returned, they looked a little worse

It was like watching your Grandma die of old age. I was concerned but totally helpless.

Then inexplicably, they developed tiny insects which started eating away at the bark.

It took about five weeks, while I heroically tried to give CPR to these dying new friends, but eventually they turned brown–and for some reason, started to stink.

I threw them both into a big garbage bag, took them out to the curb and said good-bye.

I can’t swear to it, but I thought I heard one of them, from within the bag, gasp, “Murderer.”

 

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Bonnet

Bonnet: (n) a woman’s hat tied under the chin

I wear hats. They disguise my bald head. They give me a better chance of being cute.Dictionary B

This is why I do it.

Women have worn hats for years. There are many reasons that women wear hats.

Some are cultural or religious–a head covering worn to communicate they are weaker vessels and under subjection to men.

Some are beautiful adornments designed to bring out the attractiveness of the lady’s countenance.

Seasonally, a bonnet is even used at Easter to accentuate the joy of the resurrection–“with all the fringe upon it.”

Since I should not control what people wear on their heads, it would be wrong of me to insist that a female be submissive by covering her noggin, or object to the hiding of her skull beneath an adornment because I feel it is chauvinistic.

There is just a great power in leaving people alone.

  • If they are unhappy, show them happiness.
  • If they are happy, be happy with them.

Otherwise, you could quickly be accused of being a bee in their bonnet.

 

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Bonkers

Bonkers: (adj) mad; crazy.

Even though the word “bonkers” is often used as a gentle or even comical way of describing an errant idea or philosophy, we sometimes fail to realize that there’sDictionary B actually something in life that is bonkers.

Fortunately for us humans, it’s only a singular trespass, yet we continue to pursue it like it’s toilet paper attached to our shoe.

Here it is simply stated: “I think I can get by with this.”

It certainly is displayed in all of its glory when you’re cruising down the freeway and the speed limit is 70 miles per hour, and you set your cruise control to that number, only to discover that everybody flies by you–until suddenly each one observes a highway patrol car perched on the side of the road. Then what follows is a universal slamming on the brakes, which nearly generates a fifteen-car pileup.

Why?

Because we’ve convinced ourselves “we can get by with it.”

Both of the people currently running for president are convinced that if they deny their sins, foibles and missteps, they just might be able to fool the fools.

It’s ludicrous, since everybody on the planet is an investigative reporter, trying to catch me in my crimes–and I, alone, am my alibi witness.

Sooner or later, to keep from being bonkers, we have to realize that 1 must be called 1, and 2 must be called 2–or we will be called down when things don’t add up.

 

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Bongo

Bongo: (n) a pair of drums held between the knees

One of the more annoying aspects of pursuing a Christian philosophy of life is the need to at least attempt to treat every person kindly. Even though it works out Dictionary Bin the end, the journey to get to the destination is often arduous, if not exhausting.

Randy was a tag-along.

When I was in high school, our church youth group decided to start a coffeehouse, and Randy volunteered his services to assure his place in the historical moment.

Here was the problem: Randy had no vices–just faults.

A fault is a difficulty someone possesses which you really can’t harp on too much because it doesn’t do any harm–it’s just mind-numbingly frustrating.

  • Randy talked too much
  • Randy had really bad ideas
  • Randy’s breath smelled like he had been licking the bottom of a birdcage.
  • And as it turns out, Randy played bongos.

This came out when we were discussing musical possibilities for our newfound venture.

We had located our guitarist, a piano player and some singers, and were ready to close our discussion when Randy suggested that what we lacked was a “bongoist.”

Quite certain there was no such word as “bongoist,” I explained that not every song needed rhythm. He agreed–and promised to only play the bongo when it was warranted.

On opening night Randy sat with the bongo between his knees, and determined in the moment’s anointing, to play on every song, including a very confusing interpretation of Kum ba yah.

He was oblivious to his intrusiveness and lack of timing.

Everybody expected me to tell Randy to “de-bongo.” I couldn’t. He was so enthusiastic. Matter of fact, after our first meeting, he explained, with tears in his eyes, that he thought he had found his calling.

I’m happy to report: fortunately he became an accountant.

 

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Bonfire

Bonfire: (n) a large open-air fire

As the president of my Junior Class in high school, I was constantly being challenged by the adult advisors to be “more active” or come up with creative ideas.Dictionary B

I was perplexed.

After all, I thought I had done quite a bit in succeeding to get the majority of the votes from a bunch of fickle sixteen-year-old classmates.

But the grownup dictators didn’t see it that way. They expected results. One of their favorite words was “initiative.” (To this day, I refuse to use it.)

So during football season I brainstormed and decided that before our homecoming game, we would have a bonfire out near the football field, and cheer, celebrate and do whatever one does in front of such a blaze.

My thought was, “You just burn stuff.”

Well, it became problematic. What were we gonna burn? I had a chemistry book I was willing to donate, but others thought it would be better to take some of the leaves which were freshly fallen, pine needles prevalent in the area, and branches, and pile them up together to ignite the inferno.

But it was difficult to get started.

So since I was the leader of the Junior Class, I suggested gasoline. Before it could be approved by an adult, we doused all of our flammables in the fluid and lit it.

It was three hours before the bonfire was supposed to take place, and basically we burned up all of our stuff in about twenty minutes. What we had left might be referred to as a bon-ash.

Realizing this would not have much appeal, we scurried around town to find more stuff to put on the second fire and finally accumulated enough trash that when the student body arrived, we lit it once again (this time without gasoline) and everybody gathered around.

Well, considering this was Ohio in September, it was a little chilly. People were already in coats. So when a hundred folks gathered around a blazing fire in their coats, the sweat began to flow, and what was intended to be a pleasurable or intriguing experience turned into a journey to the sauna of hell.

Everybody started to complain, backing away from the fire. Some girls were crying, and all the adults turned to me, seeking my leadership on what to do next.

I shall always remember the experience as a perfect example of over-reaching.

I can truthfully tell you, it was nothing more than the bonfire of my vanity.

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Bone

Bone: (n) pieces of hard, whitish tissue making up the skeleton

I just stared at it.Dictionary B

It was a source of amazement and confusion to me.

When my son was struck down by a hit-and-run driver, he suffered a compound fracture of his femur–the largest bone in the body.

It was ugly.

But as tragic as that may seem, it wasn’t nearly as devastating as the brain injury he suffered–a trauma that left him unable to communicate, living in a vegetative state.

Sometimes I would come into his room and stare at his leg. Because over the weeks of tragedy and travail, that bone healed.

It had no reason to.

It wasn’t attached anymore to a leg that was going to think of somewhere to go and then move quickly in that direction.

It wasn’t part of a body that was functioning with any sense of reason.

But it healed–not completely straight, but it joined together.

It left me with feelings of praise, anger, frustration and awe.

How fearfully and wonderfully we are made, said a great songwriter.

Wonderfully in the sense that bones that break can be set to heal.

But fearfully because in a moment of madness, all our sensibilities … can be smashed.

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