Commentary

Commentary: (n) an expression of opinions about an event or situation

I will now offer my commentary:

I have a small penis.

I bring this up to you without apology, biological explanation or some silly sidebar like, “Had no complaints…”

What is interesting about my statement, and makes this commentary worthy of publication, is that the little fella has done some amazing things.

He ended up fathering four children, and from them–not many complaints.

He has survived being in a bedroom with a woman without ridicule.

He has also seen that particular human female leave with a pleasured smile. (Basically, it had little to do with him, and was courtesy of other digits and doo-dads, but he will still take the credit.)

I suppose at one time in my life I would have been embarrassed by the size of my “unit” (that’s what people who feel they are well-endowed call it).

Or should I refer to it as my “package?” But if it is a package, I could send mine first-class reasonably. But call me crazy, I am too overjoyed with my life to complain about my wiener.

I would not want to be around people from the “pecker patrol,” who would stare at my small friend and find him to be disgracefully inadequate.

He has been dutiful. Every time my kidneys want to urinate, he shows up–often bright and early.

He has the good sense to stay out of neighborhoods where he does not belong.

And he’s remained clean and free of disease.

He’s a rather admirable chap.

And even though some of my family would be embarrassed at me talking about him in such a fashion, I think it’s time for us to get over the idea that men and women are going to hump their way to satisfaction because of the enormous size of the male dangling participle.

Making love is like everything else in life. It demands much more conversation than it does struggle.

Thus ends my commentary.

 

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Accrete

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Accrete: (v.) grow by accumulation or coalescence: e.g. ice that has accreted grotesquely into stalactites.

It’s hard to accumulate anything when you’re spending all your time convincing yourself it’s trash.

Although there are people in our society who think they come across intelligent by poo-poohing every idea and coming up with some reason why it won’t work, ultimately we have to take the plunge or we’re just wearing a swimsuit and never getting wet.

But as long as we have a firm belief that being critical is the definition of objective and that analyzing is the best path to progress, we won’t accumulate much of anything but ongoing failure for the project that should have been uprooted long ago and now is held in place because we have no idea how to get rid of it.

There are so many things in our political system which should have been stuffed in the garbage can generations ago, but are kept around because the alternative to them seems frightening to those who are terrified of their shadows.

There are certainly ideas which have come forth from religion, such as self-righteousness and exclusivity, which wore out their usefulness eons ago, and merely propagate because somebody has already purchased the supplies, even though there is no demand.

There are countless things being taught  in our educational system which no one will ever use in their entire life and will only make them seem like nerds if they brag about knowing them.

We continue to pummel one another as men and women, even though this alleged opponent can be the source of one of our greatest physical pleasures.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for us to develop a sense of humor and the common sense to accrete valuable things, but until we do, second best will seem like a dream, as we constnatly settle for the dregs.

I am a human being. If I am going to be honest with myself, I have to ask three questions about everything that comes my way if I am trying to decide if I want to accrete it.

1. Is it easy and simple? If it isn’t, I probably won’t do it more than once, and spend the rest of my time on earth complaining about the initial encounter, while offering an explanation on why I would never do it again.

2. Will it benefit me? I work really hard to be generous about including others, but it is certainly easier to pursue openness when I am already savoring the fruits of the experience.

3. Is there a way to make it cool? I believe one of the signs of mental illness is the insistence that you don’t need to feel cool. It is the first fruits of a persecution complex that often drives people to the top of the tower with a deer rifle, looking for targets.

There you go.

I do believe that those who have good ideas should make sure they package them in a way that’s easy, beneficial and cool. If they don’t, be prepared for the cynics to pick them apart.