Tag Archives: sexual prowess

Chain

Chain: (n) a sequence of items of the same type forming a line

“A chain is as strong as its weakest link.”

That little piece of platitude is tossed off all the time. It’s really quite arrogant.

In other words, folks never speak this principle when referring to themselves. No, it’s always some sort of derogatory comment about the
 weakness of others.

But in measuring the value of your chain, it’s always a good idea to realize that there are different types of weakness.

For instance, being tough and inflexible can be a great weakness if you’re trying to establish a tender relationship.

Touting your sexual prowess to a room full of bored hearers is equally annoying and comical.

Establishing the superiority of one gender over another is the propagation of ugly myths.

There is a reason that some things link. We don’t link together simply because “we’re all strong” and able to handle equal burdens. We usually link together because one of us feels the need for another, and the other requires our presence.

We err when we try for perfection.

No one likes perfect.

No one believes in it.

We appreciate it when weakness is acknowledged instead of denied. This allows us to build up the chain, and gives an opportunity to the link–to establish fortitude.

 

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Chafe

Chafe: (v) to make a part of the body sore by rubbing against it.

In the pursuit of complete transparency, wisdom dictates that some subjects still remain opaque. In other words, keep it to yourself.

I can think of a few:

I don’t want to hear about your bowel movements.

Maybe every once in a while late at night with a really close friend, the subject might offer some entertainment value, but overall, keep your
fiber intake private.

Here’s another one: your sexual prowess.

Please don’t even allude to it. Don’t get in mixed company and talk about how you were voted the best kisser in your senior class as you peer around the room to see if all the hearers have truly heard. I admit, it is rare to find any human being who will be truly honest about their weakness in the bedroom, but please, don’t tell me a bunch of stories or offer affidavits from satisfied customers.

Here’s another one: make your faith in God a visual thing that I can perceive by watching your actions, instead of something you need to recite in detail to make sure you have truly and completely fulfilled your obligation to testify.

Religion should not be personal, but rather, very public–because we live it out. But if living it out is not enough for you to make your point, then passing out pamphlets probably won’t improve your chances.

There are many others I could mention, but let me close by saying that you should probably not discuss how or how often you chafe.

I am an obese man, so my thighs have been known to have unnecessary intercourse with one another during the day, leaving them red and raw. But you don’t need to hear me discuss it or request possible remedies.

Weakness is a good thing if nearly everyone in the room shares it in common and can immediately identify with it.

But if your skinny friends have never chafed, they will probably have neither interest nor sympathy for your red, glowing, puffy legs.

 

 

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Butt

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Butt: (n) the posterior

It is time once again for this well-seasoned traveler to admit his limitations and the true extent of his ignorance.

I do it willingly, because if I don’t, someone will do it anyway, against my will. So here we go:

What is all the damn interest in the butt?

I just don’t get it. Does anybody remember when a butt was an ass? Now it seems to be a symbol of sexual presence, if not prowess.

The other day, I heard somebody comment about the attractiveness of a particular woman, saying, “You could bounce a quarter off her ass.”

Not only does that sound like a rude game, but I don’t understand the significance. Maybe that’s because I was taught that a hardass was negative.

What is all the interest in the back door?

I use mine to stink. Matter of fact, that’s what it seems to do the best. I’ve heard people describe different applications, but I normally found myself wanting to run, terrified, from the room.

Do other people besides me also wonder why the posterior has suddenly become acceptable to discuss with the interior?

Does anybody else think that a woman’s face or a man’s countenance is more attractive than their caboose?

Or might the thought be that if you have a nice trunk space, then there’s a good chance the engine works?

I’m really confused. I don’t often want to go back to former times, nor do I feel especially nostalgic.

But I think it might do us well to return to a season when the butt had clearly established its seat of power.

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Bikini

Bikini: (n) a very brief two-piece swimsuit for women.

Dictionary B

I grew up in a time when seeing a woman in a bikini at the swimming pool was like looking at pornography.

Since we didn’t have dirty pictures on the Internet, the only time there was an opportunity to view partially exposed breasts and the majority of a female torso was at the local pool.

When bikinis became popular, girls immediately started wearing them because they thought they were “cute.”

I think deep in their consciousness, these young ladies were aware that they were torturing the boys by displaying the fruits of the flesh without offering them a chance to take a bite.

I vividly recall the first time I saw a girl in a bikini. I spontaneously had an orgasm. It wasn’t planned. It’s probably not something I should even share. But I do so because it always reminds me of the sense of humor our Creator had in constructing human beings–and also our timetable.

At the moment in life when we have the most sexual prowess, we also have the least control. And later on, when viewing a bikini is still pleasurable but no longer eruptive, our plumbing seems to be a bit clogged.

I am sure the heavens find this to be hilarious. I know God must be a gentle trickster–because He does fool us into believing that we are much more powerful than we actually are.

And then, when we scatter our efforts and end up with futility, He is there as a kindly Father, to retrieve our egos and allow us to live another day.

I will always like bikinis, but there is nothing at all as powerful and poignant as the first one I viewed at the local swimming hole…when I practically lost my head.

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Allegro

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Allegro: 1. (n) the name of a passage or movement of music in a fast tempo 2. (adj.) at a brisk tempo

I used to believe with all my heart, soul, mind and strength that appearing to be smart, intellectual, well-versed and verbal was essential in order to maintain the integrity of the self-deception of my general superiority. I did stupid stuff:

  • I lied about my qualifications.
  • I embellished on my abilities.
  • I touted my sexual prowess.
  • And I exaggerated the depth of my understanding.

I was afraid that the package of human ability provided for me was insufficient to my personal indebtedness.

One day I just woke up and got sick of being a fool. I stopped wearing the jester’s hat and dancing for the kings. I realized that the greatest gift I could give myself was to stop faking it.

The greatest gift I could give to God was to find a way to get along with human beings.

And the greatest way to get along with other human beings was to simplify what I shared with them.

You see, when I read the word “allegro,” I think of all the pretentious musicians I have ever met, who think they are extraordinarily sophisticated by expressing musical notations in Latin or Italian, which, when translated, still mean “fast, slow, loud and soft.” You see, the Italians were not trying to be “poofy”–it was just their language.

If you find yourself searching for a word to express a simple idea so that you can impress those around you, then you are probably suffering from a severe case of viral “jerkitis.” Especially if you need to say the words with a foreign accent or a bit of flourish in your pronunciation.

So when I’m discussing music in a recording studio and find myself surrounded by the “hierarchy” of the craft, I don’t use the word “allegro.” I merely say, “This is faster.”

Yes, often they correct me, using the proper term for such a maneuver.

But I just smile, knowing in my soul that the art of simplicity is the true definition of intelligence.

Abaxial

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter AAbaxial: (adj.) {botany) facing away from the stem of a plant, especially denoting the lower surface of a leaf. The opposite of adaxial.

Being raised in a Germanic household in the Midwest, where the mention of sex only required a simple pronouncement of “male” or “female” and nothing more, I have not made a practice of looking at the undergarments of plants.

So I’m a little uncomfortable with abaxial.

It sounds kind of sneaky–maneuvering your way behind the hapless greenery to peek under one of its stems and examine the full hidden foliage …

Am I the only one who’s nervous about this?

It’s not a plant’s fault that it has to be so … well, so exposed. That’s the only way it can get sunshine–similar to a voluptuous blonde laying out next to the pool and unfastening her top to gain the rays of the sun to promote her particular brand of growth.

it is not good for me to ogle either one.

Now, it’s not that I’m a prude–it’s more that the wisdom of precautionary action in the realm of the sexual experience will often keep you from the embarrassment of backing up claims in the real world which you have made with your fantasy statements In other words, if you have not talked about your sexual prowess, when the actual moment arrives with your partner, you can always plead inexperience, insufficiency or the classic–“a cold breeze must have blown by.” If you’ve been bragging, then there’s always a season when “pay-up or shut up” unveils all of your shortcomings.

So it’s not so much that I believe in being a prude as that I fear false advertising, and therefore a disappointed consumer.

Yes, sometimes it’s a good idea NOT to sneak behind the plant and look up at it from the backside–in an abaxial mode.

I guess it’s just like real life with real girls. You just wait for them to invite you … to de-petal them.