Tag Archives: silly

Answering Machine

dictionary with letter A

Answering machine: (n.) a tape recorder or digital device that supplies a recorded message to a telephone call and can record a message from the caller.

A “Duophone.”

You see, I even remember the name.

It was one of the first answering machines put out by Radio Shack in the mid-1970’s, for those innovative, upbeat, contemporary souls who wanted to make sure they didn’t miss any calls or commercial opportunities.

I had to have one.

I bought it and after about four hours of comprehensive attempts at understanding the directions, I successfully hooked it up to my over-priced AT&T phone.

I then spent another four hours deciding what message to leave, gyrating between a brief but officious speech and a more silly, fun-loving and comical greeting.

Worst of all, I decided to blend the two. I even remember what I came up with as the final product:

“Hi, there. It’s not really me, it’s my Duophone, which enables me to get your message so I can get right back to you if I end up being right back. Just kidding. I mean, not about getting back to you. About when I will be here to hear the message. Anyway, call you soon.”

Awkward.

Amazing, though–after you listen to something four or five times, one convinces oneself that it’s really cool.

The problem with my Duophone, other than the fact that it had a hit-and-miss quality to it, having been spawned from Radio Shack, was that one of my friends thought it was really funny to keep calling and leaving abstract, silly, or even profane messages until he totally filled up the space provided.

After a while, when other people got answering machines and it was no longer a novelty, the American public became perturbed with having to listen to a contraption instead of completing calls, so my playback upon returning was often a series of hang-ups or disgruntled complaints over my absence.

Mercifully, on one of my moves to another location, the Duophone fell out of a truck and crashed on the pavement and I selected never to replace it.

The problem with answering machines is that they really don’t answer. They just put off a much-needed conversation to a later and usually less fruitful time.

 

 

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Thank you for enjoying Words from Dic(tionary) —  J.R. Practix

Ahead

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter AAhead: (adv.) 1. further forward in space: e.g. he looked at the road ahead  2. further forward in time: e.g. he contemplated the day ahead.  3. in the lead: e.g. the Broncos were ahead at halftime

He is “just so ahead of his time.”

I’ve heard that said about me on so many occasions that I now realize it isn’t a compliment, but rather, a wistful expression of regret.

We don’t like people who are ahead.

Honestly, there are very few individuals who run a race and when they come in fifth, ease up to the winner’s side and give him a big hug. Why? Because he’s ahead of us. We don’t think it’s fair.

And if you have the audacity to be ahead of your time instead of blending into the scenery, matching your coloration with the acceptable taupe, you are not really a blessing. More like an aggravation.

Yes, that may be the first step in becoming a human being. Realize that every blessing at first appears to be an aggravation, and when we adjust to that, we can open the door to see what lies behind the inconvenience.

Matter of fact, someone recently asked me how I came up with my ideas which make me so “ahead of my time.” I shocked the individual by telling him I was a student of history.

I think he believed that studying the past might be the worst way to consider options for the future. But the same ignorance that existed in Eden is still present in our garden variety.

A similar amount of stubbornness, arrogance and inflexibility that promoted murder and mayhem in the past is still lurking in the hearts of the present batch of the sons and daughters of Adam.

Yes, the best way to get ahead is to learn what worked in the past and maneuver it through understanding into a blueprint for the future.

It’s why I never have a problem discussing the importance of equal rights–because my history book tells me that every time we try to limit the personal freedom of any group of people we have been wrong–and end up looking like numbskulls.

This is also why I’m fully aware that laying down religious or moral law onto society through prohibition is equally as comical. Since we’re all the children of God, we are all trying to get away with stealing candy from the pantry. Rules won’t stop us.

So if you want to be ahead of your time, consider what lasts.  An old, apostolic philosopher once said there are only three things that abide: faith, hope and love. In other words:

  • Believe in good things and don’t give up.
  • Think up a good thing of your own and pursue it
  • Love people–and when you can’t, leave them the hell alone.

That’s how to get ahead of your time. And it’s also how you end up buying stock on the ground level with Apple Computer … instead of making fun of those “new-fangled gadgets.”

Aha

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter AAha: (exclam.) used to express a range of emotions including surprise, pleasure, sympathy and realization.

My “aha” has been ruined.

As a young man I remember it as an exclamation given in the middle of a murder mystery to expose the killer and point out that some recently discovered clue has enlightened one and all to the guilt of the participant.

“Aha!”

A chill went down your spine when you heard it. You realized that Sherlockian investigation had just uncovered what was considered to be a well-disguised clue, revealing the murderous ways of a once-thought-to-be innocent bystander.

And then here comes Oprah.

She–or one of her guests–thought it was cute to refer to simple, quaint and may I insert my opinion by stating, often silly, decisions as “aha moments.”

Here’s what I know about such disclosure: every time I think I’ve discovered the secret of life, what I really find out is that I peeled back the onion to discover yet another layer of onion.

There are not “aha moments.” I’m sorry, Ms. Winfrey. What really happens is that we finally acknowledge something that’s been obvious all the time, and it becomes a stepping stone to even greater understanding of our misconceptions.

I guess it’s popular to look for a “come to Jesus” juncture in our lives so we can state once and for all that we’ve been saved from our previous stupidity to walk in “newness of life.” But when you put the thing to a test, what you really comprehend is that each little nugget we find as we pan for gold has more rock in it than riches. It doesn’t mean we should stop panning and it certainly does not mean there’s no gold in the rocks.

I would just suggest that we might be more successful in our journey if we started appreciating rock more than gold. And if we could have a truly “aha moment” over the subtle differences in stone, we would find ourselves happier than by being mere prospectors.

I will stick with my “aha moments” being uttered by detectives who remove the baffling parts of the crime to unveil the perpetrators. For I know this–everything I think I’ve learned today, which has transformed me to a new level, will quickly be replaced with the need for more revelation … on the morrow.

Adroit

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter AAdroit: (adj.) clever or skillful in using the hands or the mind: e.g. he was adroit at tax avoidance.

A time or two I have actually tried to USE the word, but I was never able to get it completely out of my mouth without giggling.

First of all, it’s much easier to say “accomplished,” and also clearer to the listener. But mostly, when I say “adroit” I have to think of a droid. And when I think of a droid, I start conjuring visions of R2D2 or C-3PO.

And then I smile and chortle.

Some words were just never meant to be used. Or maybe they’ve been destroyed by other words that came in and sucked up all the air in the room.

I suppose it would be fun to say that C-3PO was adroit at being a droid. But that’s the kind of pun and cleverness which in our generation makes people groan instead of laugh.

Yes, humor has changed. It has to be brazen and perhaps even a little risqué nowadays to get an exuberant response from an audience. A simple play on words leaves people thinking that you’re old-fashioned or kind of silly.

But anyway, back to “adroit”–I have to conclude that it’s one of those words which if I used, everybody in the room would get that “W-h-a-a-t??” face and then become annoyed that I was trying to be overly smart instead of communicating coolly.

And then, like me, they would probably pull up the idea of a droid instead, which might take them to Aliens, where the monsters had acid for blood and the artificial life form was possessed by one of the villains.

See? It just makes me digress.

So I shall stay away from “adroit” because of its pretentious sound and reference to robots.

I hope the word will not feel shunned.

Even though, if you think about it, “adroit” and “shunned” are very similar in their practical use.

Absquatulate

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Absquatulate: (v.) {HUMOROUS}to leave abruptly: the overthrown dictator absquatulated to the US.

Now we’re just getting silly.

I have certainly discovered in my lifetime that having a decent vocabulary can be advantageous in portraying some presence and bearing. But each and every one of us knows there is a fine line between knowing words and using words.

Matter of fact, I often have to revise the words I use in my books when I deliver public readings because the particular term, rather than being enlightening, stops the audience in mid-thought as they try to figure out exactly what that particular verb or noun might mean.

It’s just a waste of time.

And of course, both you and I are suspicious of it. If I’m watching a pundit on television and he suddenly releases some three-syllable word not of my acquaintance, I don’t think he is more intelligent than me. I just think he grabbed a thesaurus right before he went on TV and picked out the biggest word he could find, in order to come across superior.

Here’s what I know about the word absquatulate. If you ever used it, people would insist that you absquatulate from the room. They would first do this by turning their backs on you. If it was a party, they might become quite interested in the texture of the chip dip. But eventually, after escaping to the bathroom three or four times to gain some relief from being in your presence, they would remember a cat to feed at home.

Yes, I will say it aloud and say it proud: the best way to express intelligence is through your productive actions, not through your words or debating technique.

This is why Congress has a very low appreciation level among the American people. No one would doubt that this is an intelligent group of guys and gals. No one would ever insinuate that these alleged law-makers don’t know what absquatulate means.

It’s just that we’re all quietly and eagerly awaiting the next election, in order to permanently absquatulate them from office–a truly Capitol idea.