Monthly Archives: June 2015

Auld Lang Syne

Auld lang syne (n): times long past.

dictionary with letter AI was working on a screenplay for a Christmas movie which I had dubbed “Wonderful,” tipping my hat to the style and meaningful nature of Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

I have a way of writing plays or movies that’s a little bit different. I love to know how I’m getting into the story, developing the character and creating the conflict, but I do not want to look ahead to how the movie ends.

I once heard another screenwriter explain that writing a movie was “all about knowing how it was going to end.”

I’m sorry. That just seems foolish to me.

Since none of us know how our lives are going to end, why would telling a great story be benefitted by controlling the circumstances of the closing scene?

So I know it may sound weird, but I always let my characters decide how the movie’s going to end. After all, in both the short and long run, it is their story.

So when I reached the end of this particular movie, I found that the scene was evolving towards a romantic, if not bizarre, conflict, which needed to be quickly pulled together before the credits had completely rolled.

I needed something.

I remembered during the closing of “Wonderful Life,” they were all singing “Auld Lang Syne.” I didn’t want to have a typical, maudlin rendition of the song, but I thought a bluesy, melancholy, updated version would be perfect to cap off things.

So I sat down and wrote myself a musical preamble to the old standard, hired a great female caterwauler to intone the arrangement, and then just let it happen.

It was so beautiful that I cried.

You see, when you take something which has proven to be effective and you mess with it just enough that people know that you’re updating it for the times, and then let it work its magic, it is usually absolutely amazing.

Music has a spirit. There are certain tones that come together to produce emotion; chords that evoke sensation.

And this is why, when we do become nostalgic, the singing of “Auld Lang Syne” takes even the more cynical of us… to a place of reminiscent bliss.

 

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August

August (n): the eighth month of the year, in the northern hemisphere usually considered the last month of summer.

dictionary with letter A

It would be a toss-up between August and January.

These are the two months that are desperately in need of a good public relations agent, January being the let-down month after Christmas and the New Year, when the weather is miserable and people begin to get their credit card bills from Nativity celebrations.

But I still would have to say that August is the odd month out.

  • It foretells of the winding down of summer.
  • It’s when all swimsuits and inner tubes are discounted at your local Wal-Mart.
  • It’s also proclaimed to be the hottest month of the year, so therefore utility bills go up, fostering cranky consumers.
  • It also dangles on the precipice of the fall, which is full of the promise of football, whereas the month of August only offers a few measly exhibition games.

August is supposed to be august with regality but ends up producing the whining of young kids, complaining about the forthcoming of another school year, as they already begin to pine for better months with better holidays, like Halloween and Thanksgiving.

I don’t know whether you could promote August.

I have a dear friend who was born in August, so that makes it a little more pleasant.

But other than that, it’s kind of a let-down after July 4th, waiting for Saturday Game Day … for college football.

 

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Au gratin

Au gratin (adj): sprinkled with breadcrumbs or grated cheese, or both, and browned.

dictionary with letter A“That’s cheesy.”

We use that phrase whenever we want to insult something by portraying that it’s maudlin or overly sentimental.

Yet I’ve never heard anyone take a bite of a delicious lasagna and proclaim it “cheesy” and have it mean anything negative. Matter of fact, I have often used cheese to save a dish that seems to have lost all of its personality in the baking.

Cheese has some wonderful attributes:

  1. It melts.

I don’t really trust anything that isn’t willing to melt. If I’m with a woman and my touch or kiss does not melt her, it would not matter how attractive she appears, she has lost her appeal.

I trust that my ice will melt and give over some of its cold to chill my drink.

Melting is what we do when we decide to allow ourselves to become heated and pliable.

  1. It’s gooey.

Even though people around me don’t want to be gooey and gentle and silly, I find that when you actually pull it off, the room is not only energized, but tenderized against the hostility of cynicism.

  1. It stirs in.

When you finally have discovered that your cheese has melted, you will find that it is now willing to be stirred into the available concoction. While maintaining its own flavor, it glues the entire mixture together.

I like cheesy.

And I will continue to be cheesy, insisting on becoming au gratin to the blandness of the dishes around me, so that we can make sure to remember how wonderful it is … to feel.

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Augment

Augment (v): to make something greater by adding to it; to increase.

dictionary with letter A

I must warn you that this particular essay may be a bit blunt and graphic.

I am not choosing this profile because I desire controversy, but rather, to explain how powerful ideas can be supplanted by mediocrity.

From time to time when I check the inbox for my emails, I am inundated by offers to “augment” my penis.

They are basically working under the concept that I am dissatisfied with the little fellow. Or maybe it’s the insecurity they wish to play off–that I fear my lover is unfulfilled with my girth or length. It could be just the classic misconception that “big is always better.”

I quickly delete these advertisements, and sure enough, after a few weeks they disappear for a season, only to once again pilfer through, trying to convince me of the dwindling possibility below my belly line.

Yet there are many things I would like to augment. My penis is not one of them.

  • I would like to augment my generosity.
  • I would like to augment my perseverance.
  • I would like to augment my discipline in eating fewer calories.
  • I would like to augment my compassion.
  • I would certainly like to augment my patience.

I could go on and on about what I wish to augment–but I never receive offers on these points of interest, only a proliferation of opportunities to extend my cartilage.

I am not a prude. But I’m also not obsessed with my own sexuality.

I want to live in a world that becomes concerned about augmenting common sense–so that I don’t have to be known by what “Jane thinks about my Dick.”

 

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Auditorium

Auditorium: (n) a large building or hall used for public gatherings, typically speeches or stage performances.

dictionary with letter A

I love auditoriums.

I think anybody who performs looks forward to being on a big enough stage that it provides for a backstage.

Backstage is fun.

It’s where you sit or stand and wonder about how many people are coming to the concert, or you slide into a side room that’s been provided for dressing and make-up.

When I graduated from high school I started a music group, wrote two original songs and actually built up the courage to raise some funds to record them.

I made a 45 RPM.

I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but in that era it made me nearly a god. Having a record made you look like you were not only prosperous, but talented.

So I was able to get a gig at a large auditorium on the Ohio State Fairgrounds. I loved that building. I had been to concerts many times in the facility, and now I was going to get to play in the auditorium.

I dressed everybody up and we even hired a drummer to come in and perform with us. I thought we sounded pretty good.

Unfortunately, the gig was for a religious church group youth rally, so there was an air of stuffiness surrounding the event, and a lot of rules and regulations laid on us, which honestly, I just didn’t listen to.

I found out later that:

  • We weren’t allowed to have drums, which we had.
  • We weren’t permitted to be loud, which we were.
  • And there couldn’t be any rock and roll in the sound, which there definitely was.

So we were halfway through our song, jubilantly sharing our talents, when suddenly the curtains started to close in front of us.

At first I thought it was a mistake, so I ran forward while the band still played and tried to pull them open. But they continued to close, because there were two austere men of dark countenance pulling on ropes, making sure that our sound and appearance were terminated.

I was furious.

I demanded they reopen the curtains, but they refused.

So the young audience booed for a second, and then were rebuked by their elders.

We still sat in the lobby offering to sell our 45 record to anyone who might have enjoyed the 16 bars of the tune we were able to pump out.

Only one girl of the 728 present was brave enough to come to our table and see us. The rest of the kids avoided us like we were an unwelcome leper colony. The young lady bought our 45, told us that she thought the grown-ups were assholes, and as she left, she raised her fist and said, “Rock on.”

I did.

And I’ve never stopped.

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Audition

Audition: (n) an interview for a particular role or job as a singer, actor, dancer, or musician,

dictionary with letter A

  • The wonderful thing about new things is that they aren’t old.
  • The terrible thing about new things is that they have not proven that they work.

Such was the case many years ago when I had a music group and we were auditioning for a spot to do a series of high school concerts which would have given us a nice piece of finance in a time when such remuneration was unusual.

It was long before American Idol or The Voice–where people are thrust in front of millions of listeners and evaluated on their prowess.

This was two guys, sitting in a barn-like building, who were not much older than myself, deciding if our group would be a “right fit” for this particular opportunity.

Well, here was the problem:

  1. They didn’t know exactly what the position was going to be. Since nobody had done it before, there was no reference point.
  2. Neither one of them were musicians and confessed to this lacking by saying, “But we know what we like…”
  3. They were pretty people, so they were very concerned that other pretty people might be prettier to high school students, who were really tuning in to the prettiest possibilities.
  4. They were impatient. They wanted us to do one song.

So I decided to do a medley, which I could insist was only one song, but still include four or five pieces of tunes. It seemed like a brilliant idea. When we finished, they told us they “would get back to us.”

I should have known at that point that we had not passed muster. The reason most of us get dissappointed is that we maintain hope for things that we know deep in our heart are gone.

Two weeks later we got a letter from the company explaining that they thought we were a really great group–but not the “look” they desired.

Like everyone else on earth, I’ve done my share of auditions. I’ve won some of them and I have fallen on my face.

But honestly, most of the time it had little to do with my performance or presentation and much to do with how I was eyeballed.

Basically, it’s not an audition–it’s an eyedition.

 

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Audit

Audit: (n) an official inspection of an individual’s or organization’s accounts, typically by an independent body.

dictionary with letter A

I have eaten out of the pot and I have owned the pot. I must tell you–I prefer “eating and running.”

The responsibility that comes with finance–especially when it arrives in chunks–is both frightening and challenging to the fragile nature of the human soul.

When I had a lot of money, I felt compelled to communicate that prosperity to the world around me. The quickest way to do that is to buy things–and you can always justify these purchases by placing them under the banner of “improvements.”

But as you probably well know, the trouble with having worldly goods is that the world around you wants your goods.

  • They can plot to steal
  • They can draw up a business plan and try to get you to invest in it
  • Or on occasion, they can push the tax people in your direction for an audit

Yes, there was a time in my life, even though I was fastidious in my records, that I was nervous about an audit. Why?

Because what I don’t know can hurt me. And ignorance of some unknown tax is not considered a passable defense in the world of accountants.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was when about 5 years ago, I walked away from those responsibilities, bringing my life back to the simplicity of gas, food and lodging.

Now when I think of an audit, I get tickled.

Because rather than counting my bank accounts, houses or stocks and bonds, the bean counter would find himself only counting my beans.

 

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Audio-Visual

Audio-visual: (adj) using both sight and sound, typically in the form of slides or video and recorded speech or music.

dictionary with letter A

Today I am imagining a cave man or one of those early human beings–whatever you may call him or her–sitting by the fire, grunting out a story about a fascinating hunt-down of an angry mastodon.

Noticing that the audience has lost attention, he decides to add a drum beat and scrawl out in charcoal on a nearby series of smooth stones some pictures, to accentuate the thrill of his kill.

His audience is suddenly much more receptive.

Thus the beginning of audio-visual.

Nowadays, we wouldn’t even think about trying to tell a story or share an idea without the use of a sound track and flashing pictures on the wall to illustrate our points.

Matter of fact, anyone who would consider simply using the human voice to tout a message would be viewed as arcane, out of step or certainly old-fashioned.

But in a generation which is constantly being bombarded sensually, perhaps the best way to communicate new ideas is through sensory deprivation.

  • What happens if we take away every sense except the ears?
  • Or maybe we remove the other four senses and just leave the eyes?
  • What if, instead of launching a huge campaign for a new line of baked goods, we just release the smell of the delicious product into the air?

Even though I appreciate those who come to me at my concerts and ask me if I have AV material (which is shop talk for “audio-visual”) I have to tell you that imitating the antics of the monkey next to me does not make me a superior monkey.

Somewhere along the line you have to get the monkeys of the world interested in something other than flashing images of bananas.

I believe the next movement in advertising and communication will have to be relieving our senses of attack, and finding a way to simply tell our story by the fireside.

 

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Audience

Audience: (n) the assembled spectators or listeners at a public event, such as a play, movie, concert, or meeting.

dictionary with letter A

You may speculate that they are spectators, but the word “audience” literally means that they are there to listen.

As listeners, they are not compelled to feed your ego nor respond to your whim.

If the person sharing is not willing to communicate clearly, or provide a balance of entertainment and inspiration, then he should be prepared for the audience to take its ears elsewhere.

That’s a simple fact.

After many, many years of sharing, performing, presenting, or whatever word you prefer, in front of hundreds of thousands of human souls, I will tell you that I have never come across any gathering that did all the work for me.

Some are friendlier, and some are like a Wells Fargo safe which has to be cracked meticulously in order to find the treasures within.

With the introduction of YouTubes and Internet blogs, there are many fledgling artists who think that having ten thousand “likes” or a million hits is a passage to success.

It is not.

There are three things that tell you that you’ve reached your audience:

  1. Do they get quiet when they’re supposed to get quiet?

Noisy is easy. Getting people quiet is an art.

  1. Do they want more of what you have and are they willing to commit either their time or money to confirm that devotion?

It is a fickle day we live in. The 24-hour news cycle has turned the American attention span and the allegiance of the American audience into the actions of a housefly at a July 4th picnic.

  1. Are they leaving the performance, lecture or interaction a little different than when they came in?

America is desperately searching for answers, while simultaneously pretending that such data is unnecessary.

Solve a problem–save a soul.

It’s really that easy. 

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Audible

Audible: (adj) able to be heard

dictionary with letter A

Can you hear it?

Trust me, it’s there.

A whisper of reason

A breath of common sense

A wish that is being quietly mumbled from tentative lips

There are still people who believe in belief.

There are souls who lovingly pursue love.

And there are dreamers who are willing to share their dreams.

Yet noise can be alarming.

Screams and shouts often interrupt the prayers of the children.

How can we tune our ears to hear the good things in a world filled with the blaring sounds of insane conflict?

I don’t listen too much to the news.

I don’t stay in a room where bigotry is being proclaimed as truth.

I don’t hunt and peck with a gaggle of gossips.

In a world filled with bubbles, I have selected my enclosure.

It is sound-proof to the rattling of sabres and the insistence on war.

It has closed out a community of covetousness, which pleads for more, while ignoring what it already has.

It is an atmosphere where the natural melody of a human voice is preferred over the mechanical interpretation via an I-phone.

For after all, a “Book of Faces” does not provide a great body of proof.

You have to listen carefully.

You have to tune your spirit, like an excellent radio, to the frequency you wish to become the soundtrack of your life.

Truth is audible.

It’s just not very loud.

So if you feel overwhelmed by the volume, be prepared to be underwhelmed … by the content.

 

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