Category Archives: A words

Amsterdam

dictionary with letter A

Amsterdam: (n): the capital and largest city of the Netherlands.

There are two things that tickle me about myself:

  • My sporadic moments of inspirational genius
  • And the remainder of my life, where I nearly drown in a pool of my own stupidity

So when I looked at the dictionary and saw that my word for the day was “Amsterdam”, I reached into the recesses of my experience to find what I knew about this city in Holland.

First of all, I am not certain whether you should refer to it as the Netherlands or Holland. If I were a native, I would certainly prefer Holland, instead of being called “the land of nothing.”

I guess what tickled me the most was that I have this strange collage of data-bits in my brain, ranging from Hans Christian Anderson, a little boy with his finger in the dyke, wooden shoes, tulips, rampant marijuana smoking and legal prostitution.

Trying to figure out how I would unite all of these ideas into a common theme for my essay this morning just produced a giggle-fest somewhere down deep in my soul.

I suppose I could be cute and say that Hans Christian Anderson was on his way to take a tulip to his favorite prostitute, sporting freshly-carved wooden shoes, when he came upon the boy who was in charge of protecting the dyke, who instead had become quite stoned, toking his bong, causing water to begin to flood into the community, so Hans, with great regret in his heart, stuck his tulip into the hole, realizing that he had lost his rendezvous with a lover, but saved a people.

Honestly, ladies and gentlemen … that’s the best I can do.

 

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Amscray

dictionary with letter A

Amscray (v): (Pig Latin) to leave quickly; to scram

Patrick was not one of us.

I’m not exactly sure who “us” is, but old Pat certainly had resigned any position with the normal flow of the human race and had decided to take the body he stole from his parents and use it for strange causes.

It started when he was a junior in high school. Pig Latin became popular.

Now, I must confess that I’ve always found it annoying and pretentious–one of those things that if you chose to pursue, it was an admission that you had no life and little intention of ever socializing with others.

But Patrick was not satisfied to stop with Pig Latin. Sensing there was a whole barnyard of possibilities, he started trying to teach us cow calls and goose garbles.

When he got into llama language, I found myself, like others, trying to see him coming and racing to escape him on the other side of the school.

By the time we reached graduation, Patrick spent most of his time talking to himself in his animal tongues, and didn’t seem to mind in the least that no one wanted to be around him, completely enamored with his own creative conclusions.

I lost track of him for about ten years, but later found out that he had taken a position as Director of Operations at a Department of Motor Vehicles.

Considering the level of communication that normally goes on at a DMV … Patrick was perfect.

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Amputate

dictionary with letter A

Amputate: (v): to cut off a limb, typically by surgical operation.

I have eight toes.

I started out with ten–a full complement. But when I got an infection in the big toe on my left foot and it spread to the next toe and threatened to become equally as evangelistic to all the surrounding little piggies, it became necessary for the doctor to come in and snatch two of ’em.

I was not favorable to this.

Even though the infection was threatening to go into gangrene, I had grown fond of having ten toes and considered it to be beneath me, as an intelligent individual, to trim down to eight.

It was explained to me that I didn’t really need ten toes–a similar conversation that young mothers have with their homely daughters when trying to point out the positive aspects of being plain.

I knew I didn’t need ten toes. (Well, I didn’t know, but I assumed that my feet would still work with eight.)

It’s just that I didn’t want to be weird.

I didn’t want to be that guy who was physically debilitated or weakened, making him seem a bit pitiful instead of powerful.

It’s not that a lot of people see your toes. Matter of fact, there are only certain occasions when such a revealing is even plausible.

But I saw–and my opinion matters to me.

But when it came down to a choice between dying or losing my two toes, I chose to bid farewell and bon voyage to the fellas.

It reminds me of an idea put forth in the Good Book: “If your right hand offends you, cut it off.” For it’s better to make it to heaven without a hand than to show up someplace else with a diseased appendage.

Interesting.

Of course, there are spiritual applications across the board–but I think one of the signs of maturity is knowing when to give up on things that are not working and cut them away before they taint and destroy everything else.

It’s never easy. After all, we grow accustomed to the face of our circumstance.

But as I sit here today–with eight toes–writing to you, I realize that it does not make a lot of difference.

Because even with eight … you can still keep your toes in the water.

 

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Ample

dictionary with letter A

Ample (adj): enough or more than enough; plentiful.

I refer to it as the “Nancy regret.”

She was a girl I knew who just never could quite allow herself to be grateful, appreciative or satisfied with anything.

If we got a sandwich at a restaurant and everybody was talking about how ample the serving was and delicious the flavor, Nancy would point out to one and all that it was “pretty good but could have been improved by some brown mustard.”

We once took a field trip to an amusement park. The whole class was abuzz about the exciting rides, sweet-tasting corn dogs and fluffy cotton candy. Nancy inserted that the public restrooms didn’t have toilet paper in all the stalls.

When we graduated from high school, we donned our caps and gowns, and with tears in our eyes, bid each other a fond farewell, only to have Nancy close with the lament that she believed the choice of pink for the female gowns was “a bit startling.”

I never forgot Nancy. I’ve often wondered what her wedding night was like, as her poor, helpless husband attempted to pull off the best miracle of romance he could with the accommodations provided, and then, lying there in the dark afterglow, to receive Nancy’s critique.

Sometimes things are ample.

And any additional comment beyond the appreciation of having what you need at the time you need it is not only bratty, but as I pointed out … will turn you into a real Nancy.

 

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Amphitheater

dictionary with letter A

Amphitheater: (n.) a round location for performing events, surrounded by tiers for seating.

I don’t know if the Greeks intended for their amphitheaters to be outside or not, but every amphitheater I’ve ever performed in was ala natural.

And here is the problem: there is nothing creatively hatched, artistically structured, musically composed or theatrically staged which is better when exposed to the mosquitoes.

The only people who actually like having their entertainment performed outside are cruel promoters and idealistic committees who think it would be “really neat.”

Such an event happened to me in Detroit, Michigan, when I was working a supper club and having great fun sharing music and a bit of hilarity with the audience over dried-up pot roast and light green chicken.

It suddenly occurred to the owner of this supper club that it might be a real public relations boost if we did one of the shows outside in the parking lot, creating our own amphitheater of chairs and signage, advertising the establishment for those passing by or willing to come and sit in folding chairs to listen to music that they could hear at home in their recliners.

Not only was there a dearth of attendance but we got a late start, and the dampness of the early evening created humidity in our speakers, so the sound, as we went along, became more and more muffled.

Perhaps the most aggravating part of this little “amphitheater adventure” of our promotional argonaut was when he came up, feeling the need to justify himself, and proclaimed with an unnerving jubilance, “It wasn’t that bad.”

Yes. That’s what every artist wants to hear–of the disasters available, you ended up with a broken paddle in a canoe on the Niagara River instead of bottom bunk on the Titanic.

Did I mention to you that I don’t particularly care for amphitheaters?

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Amphibious

dictionary with letter A

Amphibious: (adj.) relating to, living in or suited to both land and water.

Time is one of the three ingredients necessary to change my mind. (By the way, for your reading enjoyment, the other two would be pain and pleasure.)

I need this trio to become the Holy Trinity, to build a bridge between my feet in the sand and firmly situated on the rock.

This was true with me as a boy on the issue of swimming. Matter of fact, they called me “a little frog.”

A frog is an amphibian, right?

The problem with this name they gave to me was that I really wasn’t little. I guess “big frog” would be inappropriate.

So as a very small child, I swam and swam without fear or intimidation. But then, as I grew into my teen years and became self-conscious about my body image, I was frightened to put on swim trunks and join the other kids at the pool, often sitting on a blanket in my street clothes watching them swim.

In the process of developing this trepidation about being ridiculed for my blubber, I also gradually convinced myself that I hated swimming and despised the water. Matter of fact, if I walked next to a swimming pool and inhaled the chlorine-filled air, I grew short of breath and needed to leave to regain my composure.

I was a frog who forgot how to leap in.

I was amphibious, but completely unable to pursue my inclination.

Then one day I got sick and tired of being afraid. I waited until nobody was looking, ripped off my street clothes and leaped into the pool, hiding my conspicuous overage under the waves.

It was a brave step.

I was a frog again.

I was back in my natural habitat.

I was overjoyed.

Of course, I wasn’t completely cured. On that particular day, I had to stay in the water for about four hours until everybody else left, so that I could emerge in privacy. But over the years I have gradually become more accustomed to who I am–and a bit oblivious to an occasional peering.

Yes. What the hell.

I guess if you’re gonna be a frog–amphibious, living in the water and on the land … a little bit of “what the hell” has to be ingrained in your philosophy.

 

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Amphetamine

dictionary with letter A

Amphetamine: (n) a synthetic, mood-altering, addictive drug, used illegally as a stimulant and legally to treat ADD in children and narcolepsy in adults.

Thirty seconds to explain what it does and thirty seconds to scare the crap out of you over the side effects.

That is the construction of the normal commercial on television advertising a new drug.

We need to get away from the concept that drugs are miracles.

Perhaps they are miracles in the sense of describing the Grand Canyon if you’re only viewing it from a safe distance or in some sort of slide show.

But if you’re standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and leaping head-first into the abyss, it loses some of the glow of its “miraculous.” Then it just becomes a bunch of rocks smashing your brains.

Here’s my truth: use as few drugs as possible.

For me, this became fairly complicated when I was diagnosed with diabetes. They recommend you try to keep your blood sugar down through diet and medication. But with this particular condition, the doctors began to introduce other peripheral possibilities which they decided to pre-medicate by giving me additional drugs, which, separate from their helpful tendencies, are basically poison.

Just as ministers want to make you a sinner and politicians want to put you into a voting block, physicians feel useful when they discover ailments in you.

I don’t hold it against them. It’s their profession. After all, in the process of being paranoid, even crazy people avoid obstacles and difficulties.

But drugs are nothing to mess with–especially amphetamines. It is beyond comprehension that we pump our children full of chemicals to get them to be attentive when it used to be handled in the schoolyard at recess by somebody throwing a ball at your head and saying, “Wake up, Billy!”

It’s not that I recommend the crude treatment of children to one another. But I am not convinced that rattling the human body with deadly potions is a better alternative.

I am not an individual who places great faith in holistic medicine.

I am not against prescribing cures for those who are hurting.

It’s just that I think the truly mature human being needs to step back from any diagnosis, and before popping a pill of purpose, ask if there is any other way.

Because when drugs get done with human beings, they mostly addict us and hurt us.

Therefore, we should only welcome them temporarily … and cautiously.

 

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Ampersand

dictionary with letter A

Ampersand: (n) the sign &, standing for and, as in Smith & Co

Must have been a hard sell.

Sometimes we don’t appreciate how the things we take for granted or assume were always around had to go through a process to become acceptable or even permissible.

Can you imagine the meeting?

Some guy or gal walking in, trying to convince everyone that the word “and” was so repetitive that every once in a while, changing it to this new configuration of an ampersand would be helpful to break up the monotony and obtuse traditionalism.

I don’t know–I might have objected. After all, it’s a slippery slope, right?? Pretty soon, we’ll be inserting pictures of frying pans to represent women and football helmets for men.

Where will it end? After all, how exhausting is it to write a-n-d? And also, after you figure out, with your pen, how to make the ampersand look respectable, you could have written “and” seven times!

It was definitely a public relations miracle, pulled off by some individual determined to simplify our lives, even if the simplification may have been over-simplified.

We must understand that the little victories that etch their way through the stone of committees and boards of scrutiny set in motion the possibility that if something important truly does come along, maybe a crack in the rock will let in some light.

So here’s to the person–whoever he or she is–who came up with the ampersand. It didn’t change anyone’s life. It didn’t heal the sick or raise the dead. It didn’t even leave an imprint in the wet cement at Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

But it lets us know that ideas have a chance … even when they’re teensy-weensy.

 

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Amp

dictionary with letter A

Amp: (v) short for amplification. To amplify sound electrically.

“It’s all about the equipment.”

That’s what they told me.

My response was always the same. “Actually, it’s all about the money to buy the equipment.”

I was in my early twenties and had a music group which required a sound system. Lacking funds, I attempted to tap into my ingenuity, which honestly had not yet found root, let alone gained blossom.

So using my limited understanding of electronics, I acquired a beat-up guitar amp, went out and purchased speakers at Radio Shack, which I fastened in to some homemade wooden boxes I had constructed myself, but found at the end of the process that I didn’t have enough money left to cover the boxes with cloth to protect the speakers.

To say it looked homemade would be a statement of generosity.

But I hauled it in from place to place, careful not to puncture the cones of the speakers. The guitar amp was so ill-suited to power the system that feedback and buzz became part of the ambience–which I pretended did not exist.

One night after a show, a dear gentleman walked up to me and said, “You need a PA system.”

He was so kind that I decided not to be defensive and merely nodded my head in agreement. Three weeks earlier he had purchased a Shure Vocalmaster unit, complete with two column speakers, which he decided not to use because his dream of becoming a great rock star had fizzled very quickly.

In his mercy and goodness he donated this system to me.

My God, I was so overwhelmed. The Shure Vocalmaster was the top of the line of the day. Of course, compared to the systems available today, it was clunky, sounded muddy and lacked the power to cover any more than a 150-seat auditorium.

But I used that system in one way or another for the next twelve years.

Matter of fact, I wept when it finally gave up the ghost and became a part of my career history.

Amps are nice. They make what we have to offer louder.

That only leaves one responsibility to us–to make sure what is being amplified is worth hearing.

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Amour

dictionary with letter A

Amour: (n) a secret or illicit love affair or lover.

I think it’s absolutely terrific that there is a dignified word and pleasant expression for a romantic encounter other than referring to it as a fling, adultery or fornication.

Even though I understand the importance of moral purity and the value of keeping oneself sexually focused, I will tell you this–we are human beings and:

  • We like to make out.
  • We like to feel that we’re wanted.
  • We certainly yearn to be desirable.

And the notion that in a moment of weakness we will not give in to our sensibility to be appreciated, and even lusted after, may not only be optimistic, but against all that makes us interesting.

Even though I have to be honest and say that sexual promiscuity comes with its own stinging barbs of retribution, I have equally found that sexual repression is also a destroyer of human beings.

So what is the right amount of sexuality in our lives to keep us balanced, involved and moving forward instead of dragging our butts on the ground in depression or feeling cheap and sleazy?

I’m happy to tell you … I don’t know.

I will say this: if I removed one ounce of amour from my life, I would be a worse jerk than I presently am, and certainly riddled with self-pity instead of purposefully using, of my own accord, self-deprecation.

I like the idea of somebody wanting me–I will not lie. Yet I have resisted the temptation to turn that into a torrid affair. But I am grateful for every human being who considered me viable enough as a potential lover to invite the possibility.,

I am not so religious that I believe that God is cranky about our glandular inclinations. And I am not so enamored by “free love” to contend that such encounters are without recompense.

Amour is necessary to us or we soon cannot fathom why love exists in the first place.

 

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