Category Archives: A words

Amber Alert

dictionary with letter A

Amber Alert: (n) an emergency response system that disseminates information about a missing person (usually a child) by media broadcasting or electronic roadway signs.

All right. Get ready to buy me the T-shirt.

I guess it should read, “I am an unfeeling, anti-American, cynical unbeliever.”

Maybe it’s because I’ve done some follow-up on the concept of Amber Alerts. Even though there are many television shows that make hay off of children being abducted by strangers who torture and murder them, most of the kidnapping of little ones in our country is done by either the mother or the father, who no longer love each other and have decided to turn the child into the hunk of meat which they steal from the barn and hustle away through the woods.

If it weren’t so sad and pathetic, it would nearly be comical. We have actually created a system of marriage in this country which at least half of the time ends up in divorce, while contending that when it comes to the realm of the children, the couple is still together–even though they’ve moved on to other relationships, and now, because of human nature, are trying to prove to the children that this person is now their enemy and how much better off they would be if they didn’t have that rotten sperm donor or womb carrier.

Did you follow that?

In other words, like we always do in this country, we think we can establish a family, destroy it, pretend that it still exists, and then act alarmed when one of the parents steals the child, which sends out an Amber Alert and makes everyone concerned about their own offspring, when it really is just a Hatfield and McCoy feud.

There are exceptions, and for that reason, the Amber Alert should not be removed from our everyday lives.

But keep in mind–most of these are people who are fighting with each other, who once made love and produced a child, who has become at times little more than a bargaining chip.

Here’s the real Amber Alert, and may it sound out over the airwaves and be flashed on the freeways:

If you’re going to have children, try to keep your marriage together, and if you don’t stay together, please remember–and Solomon was wise enough to know this:

You can’t cut a kid in two.

Ambassador

dictionary with letter A

Ambassador: (n) 1. an accredited diplomat sent by a country as its official representative to a foreign country 2. a person who acts as a representative or promoter of a specific activity

I don’t know what all the fuss is about.

Word has it that many of the people standing in line, waiting their turn to become ambassadors for the United States, have proven themselves to be less than experts on the nations they are going to visit and “diplomat.”

What’s the big deal?

Is there a real advantage in showing up in a country acting like you know everything about it? I mean, can you imagine them taking you on a guided tour and you keep interrupting their spiel, spouting off your own knowledge on the subject?

There’s a great balance if you’re going to do something important in your life: know enough to get yourself started and be willing to learn enough to make yourself appear to be growing.

Yet I think anyone who is going to be the ambassador to Norway should know how to spell it. Also it might be good if he or she could locate it on a map before the confirmation hearings.

But I think there’s something absolutely adorable, powerful and human-loving about showing up to work wondering what you’re going to learn today.

I guess for many years, I have been an ambassador of common sense–and the wonderful thing about my subject matter is that you never stop discovering new batches of it. Because just about the time you think you’re smart enough to know what you’re talking about, common sense runs away and if you’re sharp, you’ll end up chasing it.

There are so many nations in the world that it would be very difficult to know something about all of them, and if you tried, you’d probably end up looking like a walking Wikipedia instead of an actual fount of knowledge.

Yes, I think the most important thing you could do if you want to be an ambassador for anything, any place or anyone is to be thrilled about what you’ve already learned … and thirsty to get more.

Amazon

dictionary with letter A

Amazon: (n) a river in South America that flows more than 4,150 miles through Peru, Colombia and Brazil into the Atlantic Ocean. In terms of water flow, it is the largest river in the world.

Yeah, okay.

The Amazon’s a river. Gotcha.

But when I hear the word “Amazon,” I think about that tribe of women running around dominating their atmosphere and surroundings–extra tall, extra beautiful, mythical in nature and the dream of every red-blooded man because they will not be encompassed.

Why a dream? Because deep within the male of our species is the notion that he, individually–and he alone–holds the secret key to every woman’s pleasure.

The times I have seen TV shows or movies portraying these women, unlike my male counterparts, I am completely terrified and would like to run into a corner and suck my thumb.

They are gorgeous, powerful and willing to do anything necessary to keep their autonomy from being subjugated by hairier Homo Sapiens.

So even though I know the Amazon is a river in South America, the image of these domineering, dominating ladies has overtaken my mind and turned the word into a combination of a cartoon and a frightening nightmare.

What would I do if I met an Amazon woman? How would I handle myself in that situation? How would I establish my macho presence?

I would pee my pants … and then surrender.

 

Amaze

dictionary with letter A

Amazement: (n.) a feeling of great surprise or wonder: e.g. she shook her head in amazement

Come on, Webster–shaking your head is not an adequate sign of amazement.

I love that word. I love to be amazed.

It is a three-step process:

1. I contend it is possible that I have not seen, heard, known or believed everything.

Frankly, you will never be amazed if you have closed the shop of your brain, shut down the tent of your spirit and shuttered off your emotions from further contact with additional realities.

2. I’m looking for reasons to be blessed.

Whatever you’re pursuing in life you will easily find. If you’re looking for curses, they are available. If you prefer disappointments, they are plentiful. If you’re advertising for asses, the donkey barn is constantly procreating. But if you’re looking for blessing, you will be astounded at how often the opportunity to tap into one comes your way.

3. I am not embarrassed to celebrate.

If you have become too old to be giddy, you have become too old to live. One of the most hated phrases in the ears of God is when human beings say, “I’ve seen that before.” Life is not about discovering new worlds, but rather, finding precious islands and inlets in the worlds you’ve already discovered.

  • I am a fan of amazement.
  • I shout its glory.
  • Because somewhere right in the center of amazement … God has built a home.

 

Amateur

dictionary with letter A

Amateur: (n) a person who engages in a pursuit on an unpaid basis.

It’s a pretty good definition that Webster came up with.

Yet I can tell you that in my lifetime, I have performed my share of professional service to neither acclaim or remuneration.

Yes, there’s another aspect of being amateur. It’s pretty simple: a true professional is in search of his or her weaknesses, to perfect them in order to avoid both critique and lack. An amateur, on the other hand, is in search of praise in order to acquire grace for a multitude of weaknesses, pretending they don’t exist.

This is why amateurs get worse with rehearsal and professionals get better. For after all, to continue to practice is an admission that things need to improve–and if you’re unwilling to admit your mistakes, then such a maneuver seems meaningless, and perhaps mean-spirited.

For instance, I wish we did have professional politicians–for actually, the little boogers are all amateurs.

A professional would understand that a certain amount of resolve is necessary to pave the way for the ultimate discussion which will lend itself to a treaty designed to progress the cause, to avoid looking inept.

Amateur politicians come in believing they are perfect in their present condition, needing no improvement, and only manifest resolve with no understanding of the divine need for agreement.

The end result is that we have a very amateur country with amateur participants, amateur results and therefore we receive the due payment for an amateur.

What do I work on in order to be professional?

  1. I compare myself with people who are better than I am, and work to imitate their excellence.
  2. I never settle for good when great still looms in the distance.
  3. I alleviate criticism by doing my own evaluation, which is much more intense than that of my audience.
  4. I keep a sense of good cheer about transition. It is not only inevitable, but also necessary.

I will agree with Webster that normally when you have enough passion to get better at what you do, it makes people believe you’re worthy of payment.

But to get there, you have to be an amateur without dough, still doing a great show.

Amass

dictionary with letter A

Amass: (v.) to gather together or accumulate a large amount or number

Oh, cautious soul that I truly am, I am always suspicious of the majority.

When human beings amass in large quantities, stuffing themselves into arenas, large sanctuaries or convention halls, I become a bit disconcerted.

Because to gain applause you have to get the approval of many people at the same time. Already that connotes a great degree of compromise. It also encourages demagogues, who espouse the present popular stumping, screaming from the podium until the listeners become frenzied.

Every time I become concerned about my level of popularity or fame I go on the Internet and watch a news reel of Adolph Hitler circa 1932 in Germany. No one could have had more charisma. If you read his speeches in English, they are filled with nationalism, pride and a great sense of “Yay us.” So of course, people amassed behind such encouraging themes.

But here is the startling fact: human beings are just better when we’re not kissing our own ass (or nearby asses).

Certainly we require a certain amount of appreciation, but mingled in with that should be adequate doses of challenges, questioning and even the occasional on-the-spot review.

Although I realize that I am in the minority in my lack of acceptance for the majority, I will tell you that the best decisions I have made in my life, the most amazing transitions and the most valuable conclusions arrived at in my soul, were accomplished in moments of reflection, and punctuated by seasons of repentance.

  • So those who amass wealth are prodded in their spirits to give it away. If they aren’t, we call them “stingy butt-holes.”
  • Those who amass friends are in need of sharing that friendship with the entire world instead of swallowing it whole. Otherwise we think of them as glory-hounds, flitting from one party to another.
  • And those who amass respect are obligated to share it with “the least of the brethren” around them, so as not to convince the gathered horde that superiority has been achieved, and therefore the inferior ones should be trekked to the gas chamber.

I don’t believe in a lonely life. But I do believe that the “road less traveled” is not only quieter, but gives you a chance to look deep inside and discover the need for improvement.

 

Amalgamation

dictionary with letter A

Amalgamation: (n.) a mixture or blend: e.g. a curious amalgamation of the traditional and the modern.

I love that word.

Matter of fact, I will go so far as to say that our society is an amalgamation of many amalgamations–some good and some bad.

I think the best amalgamations are when an obvious need is blended with a willing spirit, culminating in a needful revelation.

Let me give you an example:

People in our country are too cynical. One of the ways we’re cynical is that we think everyone has the right to disagree with the fact that the country is too cynical.

It’s not a vote.

Cynicism is obvious because we prefer to stagnate in unworkable ideas instead of pursuing risky options that might require greater commitment. So if we admit that we’re cynical, we can concur that we need a willing spirit to consider other options, rather than sitting over coffee talking about how miserable everybody is.

Minus that willing spirit, cynicism is no longer an emotion. It becomes a philosophy.

But if you have a willing spirit, you can develop a sense of adventure to try some new things and weigh them in the balances, to see what works and what doesn’t.

Otherwise, you begin to question whether the whole process of growing and expanding is really necessary in the first place.

Politics, religion and entertainment have sunk into a quicksand of cynicism, which tells them to remain very still because if they struggle they might sink faster. But here’s the truth: even if the best reaction to quicksand is to remain still, you will eventually have to get out of the mire, or your life will be useless.

We need an amalgamation in this country–recognizing our cynicism, repenting of it and welcoming new ideas, even if many of them seem ridiculous and without merit.

Because honestly, the funniest story that could be told: Thomas Edison sharing about the experiments that failed to work … on the way to the light bulb. 

AMA

dictionary with letter A

AMA: (abbr.) American Medical Association

Much to the chagrin of a physician or two who have crossed my path, I look on the medical field with the same level of respect–and caution–that I do with politics and religion.

I know that doctors want me to have faith in them and to accept their diagnosis and treatment without question. But like politics and religion, medicine has things it does well and other things yet to be achieved.

For instance, politics affords us a rudimentary form of democracy which is certainly better than any other style of government presently available. But it also thrusts upon us politicians, gridlock and a ridiculous amount of debate, which stall needful expansion.

In the same fashion, religion stands as a symbol of goodness and kindness in a world gone mad, while simultaneously translating the mercy of God into the misery of restrictions.

The American Medical Association is much the same. Although they offer many advances, it is undoubtedly true that much of what they do will be viewed in the future as the equivalent of placing leeches on the body of the ailing George Washington.

It’s just important to understand:

  • What medicine knows and what medicine doesn’t know
  • What religion does well and what religion does poorly
  • And how politics advances the cause of humanity, and also how it can deter

So here’s a clue: don’t do anything until you understand. And that doesn’t mean that you should comprehend, or why don’t you “get it?”

Move out on the basis of your own understanding.

Several years ago I told my personal physician that a certain medication made me feel sick, and rather than lowering my blood pressure, was actually raising it. She doubted my assertion. So the next time I went in I brought a report, explaining that the pill was under scrutiny and needed to be carefully administered. She was still not convinced, but I insisted that she take me off the medication. When she did I started feeling better.

Two months later the drug was removed from the market.

This is not my doctor’s fault; she was following the precepts of her particular religious practice. It was my responsibility to avoid something I didn’t understand.

There are many things I don’t understand about politics and religion–and also medicine.

But rather than assuming I’m ignorant, I just choose to delay joining the party … until I’m sure of what’s in the punch.

A. M.

dictionary with letter A

A.M. (abbr.) referring to time between midnight and noon

Talk about a mixed bag.

The A.M. is a dividing line between sinister and productive–because honest to God, very little good happens between midnight and six o’clock.

And if you can get over the foolishness of not considering yourself “a morning person,” the greatest potential for creativity occurs between 6:00 A.M. and noon.

Fascinating.

I have occasionally awakened in the middle of the night with a bit of inspiration, but honestly, these evening stirrings are a paradox themselves. Part of the time, what sounds good at 2:00 A.M. in my bleary mind does not survive the scrutiny of the light of day.

So overall, I think God had a good idea–to have us sleep through the hours that have the most darkness.

Although it is considered to be intellectual in this day and age to contend that darkness is relevant and important, if you don’t mind, I will stick with the early morning, when the blessings are fresh and don’t have to be re-heated to get rid of the staleness.

I like A.M.

P.M. is fine, too, but early in the morning I have a sense about me which evokes an optimism that this is truly a new day … and therefore I have a fresh start.


Alzheimer’s Disease

dictionary with letter A

Alzheimer’s disease: (n) a progressive mental deterioration that can occur in middle or old age due to generalized degeneration of the brain.

When you read the definition, there’s nothing funny about it.

But candidly, I think everybody feels a little nervous about taking this disease seriously.

It isn’t that we don’t have empathy for those who suffer from it. It’s just that the one-liners, comedic set-up and potential sketches available on the subject of older people becoming forgetful are so ripe with scenarios that it’s difficult to pass them up in favor of more sensitive profiles.

So when are we being callous?

I remember once in a show I joked about the fact that “considering my size, you know I’m not anorexic.” A lady walked up to me afterwards and complained about my choice of humor, saying that her daughter suffered from the condition and that it was not a jocular matter.

I apologized.

The reason I offered this remorse was that I had offended her. I didn’t do anything offensive, but because the subject matter was so personal and close to her, she was offended by my making light of the gravity of the situation.

But honestly, I do not know if we can progress the human race without learning to laugh at ourselves.

Would I think jokes about Alzheimer’s Disease were funny if I had it? Since I probably wouldn’t know–yes. (See? There are people who probably would find even that turnaround crass…)

All of us are going to get old, and that looming condition is both real and frightening at the same time. To approach it without some sort of good cheer is probably the greatest danger.

So I follow a simple philosophy: I try to find humor in everything, serious or not. It is not because I don’t care. It is because the only way to care is to relieve pain, not merely point it out.

We must be careful in a time when we are touting our personal feelings more than understanding our human need–that we don’t lose sight of the escapism of comedy.

I do not condone those who are rude and crude. I am not saying that any kind of disease is pleasant. I’m just saying that as an obese man, plagued with many of the complications associated with it, I have never gained ground by digging in my heels, weeping or looking for reasons to be offended.

The only light I’ve ever seen at the end of any of my tunnels … is humor.