Tag Archives: embarrassing

Defecate

Defecate: (v) to void excrement from the bowels

It is rather embarrassing how often I am proud over defecating.

I think some explanation is in order.

But then again, what could be more pleasant than being relieved?

Having something growly and bouncy in your bowels that suddenly decides to evacuate, leaving behind a minimal amount of clean-up work, is certainly divinely inspired.

And even if the cleanup work is a bit excessive, it is not beyond the pale, and is well worth the effort.

There are times when the actual process is a bit grim, if not gruesome.

But still, all in all, the memory left behind is kind and filled with such contentment that you could never say there was any lasting dissatisfaction.

No, I will tell you that defecating rarely has to apologize. There are those rare occasions when it hangs around too long, becoming overwrought with diarrhea, when its presence might be considered annoying.

But damn, if that whole procedure doesn’t have its charm.

So here’s to defecation.

The process that grants us evidence of both its need and its beauty.

Coin

Coin: (n) a flat, typically round piece of metal with an official stamp, used as money.

Can I tell you when I fell in love with me?

I had flirted with myself for years. But always, at the last moment, I pulled away from true affection for my being because I saw ugliness beneath the surface.

Living so close to me, it often made things tense.

Yes, it was necessary for me to love myself–but it had to be legitimate. It had to be real. It couldn’t be some clever concept pulled from a book by an author promoting self-esteem.

But one night it was put into motion. I had been working on the concept of generosity. I was trying to learn to give a damn about those around me who were socially, emotionally and financially damned.

I had made strides.

Back to my story. I was sitting in my chair, and noticed that a young lady, who had come to dinner, was cleaning off the nearby table, and had taken a dime, a nickel and two pennies that she saw lying next to a glass and threw them in the trash.

She discarded the coins.

I perfectly understood her action–seventeen cents seemed insignificant. She had no available pockets. And holding the coins in her hand while trying to grasp glasses might result in an embarrassing accident.

As soon as she walked away, I retrieved the seventeen cents, ran out to my kitchen, found an old pickle jar and threw the coins inside.

I set the jar on my counter, and I challenged my friends to bring all the change they had that might be tossed aside, and put it in my jar.

Every forty days I took the jar down to the local market and poured it into the coin machine. I was always astounded when I walked away with fifty dollars or more each and every time.

I had fifty dollars to give away to someone in need.

Fifty dollars to buy groceries for a family.

Fifty dollars for the guy on the street who made a sign from a piece of cardboard about his destitution.

And it all came from tossed-away coins.

So let me coin a phrase:

Don’t give up on coins. It may take a while, but they quickly change into dollars which can help those who just never have quite enough.

 

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Broken

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Broken: (adj) damaged and no longer in one piece

I walk with heavy hooves.

So recently, when I was passing through a lobby, I felt some of the tiles creak under my feet.Dictionary B

It was a bit embarrassing.

I looked down and there was no evidence of damage. In other words, nothing was broken.

But because I felt that “take from my give,” and heard that sound, I had to believe there was a weakness in those tiles. In other words, somewhere along the line, one of them was going to break because I passed by.

Or maybe not.

Perhaps that particular tile was just too tight or had some unnecessary stiffness which was merely relieved by my passing.

How do you know when something’s broken? How can you be sure that it requires repair?

Because I have been sick and performed at a top-notch rate.

I have sprained my ankle and still gotten around from place to place.

So I guess the definition is pretty simple: something is truly broken when it stops working. It ceases to perform the function it was intended to achieve.

There are many things in our society that have been broken for decades, which we continue to pretend are just fine–free of the need for repair.

  • Religion
  • Politics
  • Marriage
  • Child custody
  • Abortion
  • Murder

Well, I could go on and on.

These are things that are obviously broken, but because we have people hold them in great regard, we promote their strength.

Sometimes it’s good to admit something’s broken.

Because I am often astounded … how quick the fix.

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Annul

dictionary with letter A

Annul: (v) to be declared invalid, with no legal existence.

Every time I hear about a marriage being annulled, I don’t know whether to cry or giggle.

I’ve even been told that it can happen as much as a month after the nuptials.

My understanding is that the annulment is possible because the couple has not consummated their commitment.

Isn’t that weird?

I mean, you go through all the courting, awkward dinners, flirtations, proposal, planning, picking invitations, choosing a cake, booking a church, selecting bridesmaids and a best man, speaking the vows, dancing at the reception, and you get in the car, look at one another, and go … “Damn, you’re ugly!”

Or worse yet, they actually do have sexual relations and one or the other is so unimpressed that they decide there is no way they could continue for another week.

“Maybe if we lie about seeing our private parts, we can annul it instead of divorce it…”

What I’m asking, I guess, is, how would you ever recover from this?

For instance, you start dating again, you meet someone you really like and the time comes to become transparent, talking about your past and the relationships that have already transpired. And you have to admit to this new person that you have been married, but it was annulled. Does it not beg the question–why?

And the answer to that question may be too embarrassing to share with anyone, let alone an individual you are trying to woo.

Yes, annulling may be a continual process which annuls everything for the future.

So I guess wisdom is that we should all be careful who we pick to be our mate, because it may be too painful to pursue the game … and end up with “checkmate.”

 

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Accelerando

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Accelerando: (adj. & adv.): with a gradual increase of speed (used chiefly as a musical direction)

It was another example of one of those times when I overstepped my boundaries and in the process, slipped on my own crap.

I wrote a musical piece for the piano and was blessed that a small symphony orchestra agreed to play it in one of their concerts. It helped that I was good friends with the conductor. She thought it would be excellent if I performed the piano part with the symphony, giving it more focus.

Never considering my limitations on the magical eighty-eight keys, I quickly agreed, and gave a passive effort of rehearsal.  It was passive because I had enough arrogance to believe that I was a fairly decent pianist, and also regarded myself as being acquainted with this particular music since I had written it.

When I arrived at the first rehearsal with the orchestra, it became quickly obvious that I was ill-prepared to be anywhere NEAR the musical instrument  provided to make the melody, especially when I came to the end of the concerto. Because I was unable to the play music in the correct timing, I slowed them up, which prompted a flutist near the conductor to raise his hand and ask, “Is this passage going to be rubato?”

My conductor friend shook her head without verbally responding.

He persisted. “So — should we anticipate an accelerando?”

She frowned and once again shook her head.

It was very embarrassing–similar to being in a foreign country, and in a clumsy way ordering off the menu, only to notice that the waiter has gone back to the cook to chat in their common language and laugh at your selection.

Later on, my conductor friend explained that the flute player was asking if my playing was going to be rubato, which meant purposely slowed up by my own choice, or if there was some way she could build a fire under me to create an accelerando ( in other words, play it right).

I discovered that day that even in the world of classical music, there is still language available that says, “Hustle up your butt!”

The fact that it’s being said in Italian only makes it a bit more elegant.

It also makes it a trifle more aggravating.