Tag Archives: fat man

Cupcake

Cupcake: (n) a small cake, the size of an individual portion, baked in a cup-shaped mold.

I was well into my thirties before I started eating cupcakes.

I didn’t abstain from them totally before that time, but I was known to often pass them up, insisting that even though I am a large man, that I wasn’t a “big sweet eater.”

Every time I said that, people looked at me with a massive skepticism.

Maybe that’s one reason I never ate cupcakes. It may not be fair, but I don’t know if a fat person can sit around eating high-calorie delicacies, or if an Italian man can devour a pizza or a black man chew fried chicken and watermelon.

This may sound raciest, but actually it’s understanding the silent racism that exists in our country, which giggles to itself whenever a stereotype plays out before its eyes.

But for a season, I just didn’t like all the frosting.

Then I was invited to a wedding, and while sitting at a table watching people dance, I noticed that most of them had eaten the insides of their cake but left the frosting behind. So I asked somebody at a nearby table, “Does the frosting suck?”

He vigorously shook his head. “No. It’s just too good.”

I was lost on this concept.

So without being noticed, I reached over with my fork and ate a clump of the rejected frosting from someone’s plate. (It seemed okay to do since I was only going to do it once. Are you familiar with that rationale? Of course, you can only carry it so far. For instance, promising to commit adultery or killing someone is not forgiven because you only choose a single occasion.)

But meanwhile, back to the frosting.

It was buttercream.

I knew this because there was a note on the table, written in beautiful calligraphy, which read: “Butter pecan cake with buttercream frosting.”

It was delicious.

Just sweet enough. Not heavy. Not crusty—but as advertised, buttery and creamy.

As the celebrators continued to do their best imitation of dance, I sat there and ate all the leftover frosting from about seven plates.

I don’t know—maybe there’s an addictive force associated with frosting.

From that point on, I had absolutely no problem eating cupcakes.

I realize that such a statement might be regaled as growth and toleration—but actually, all I did was raise my calories, my blood sugar and my ever-growing need for things that are sugary-sweet.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Banister

Banister: (n) a handrail at the side of a staircase.Dictionary B

Because I am a fat man, I have great respect for banisters.

In my early years, I could take a set of stairs without ever touching that handrail, convinced in my youthful arrogance that such an object was merely for decoration.

But as I wore down my knees, and my legs became a bit leaden, the bannister became my cohort to reach the top. Matter of fact, at this stage in my life, I not only use the bannister, I embrace it.

For you see:

  • The power of youth is the energy to do things.
  • The weakness of youth is doing stupid things with too much energy.
  • The power of growing older is having less energy and therefore having to use your intelligence.
  • And of course, the foolishness of aging is failing to use intelligence and instead, bitching about your lack of energy.

A banister is there to assist us.

To appreciate assistance … we must first admit that we need it.

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Appetite

dictionary with letter A

Ap·pe·tite (n): a natural desire to satisfy a bodily need, especially for food.

I stumbled across a conversation on the Internet between two women, arguing with one another about food.

Each of them had posted a picture of herself, so I had a quick visual of the combatants.

The extraordinarily slender woman was piously offering advice on better food choices that her “friend” might want to select to escape the rigors of obesity.

The “friend” in this case, who was a plump lady with a big smile, lamented in her diatribe about people who judge her by her appearance, offering way too much advice on how she could become more attractive and meet their standards.

It fascinated me in this day and age, when people are so convinced that we are “born a certain way,” that we excuse all of our prejudice against one another based on the necessity of consuming food.

For I will tell you this–because I am a fat man, I know more about calories, good food choices and what is healthy than twenty skinny people. I can tell you exactly how much I overeat, and how those particular carbyhydrates or sugars affect not only my plumpness, but also my mood.

There is no chubby person in America who couldn’t apply for a license to become a dietitian.

The sooner we realize that our appetites are primal, if not genetic, the better we will be able to address them, bringing them under our scrutiny if not our control.

I have the metabolism of a sloth, so I also have to fight to escape having the exercise regimen of the same creature. In other words, I would much rather hang from a tree by two claws than fall to the earth and run about hunting bananas.

Add to that the fact that I do not eat because I’m hungry. I tend to eat because the refrigerator has not yet been emptied. It seems to be my mission.

I don’t expect someone who’s thin and burns calories by looking at a book to comprehend this dilemma. But I do think one of the more cruel aspects of human prejudice is to squint at the weaknesses in others as we smirk at our own.

Appetites are what confirm that somewhere along the line we had a merger with the jungle. Addressing them, acknowledging a problem and controlling them is what confirms that we have a divine lineage.

 

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Annoy

dictionary with letter A

Annoy: (v) to irritate someone; make someone a little angry.

The interesting fact is that “to annoy” or “an annoyance” falls under two categories–the obvious annoy and the unknown annoy.

I am not a novice to the obvious annoy.

There are folks you meet who are fun to tease because they either over-react in a comical sense, or they desperately try to ignore you while sprouting great fits of exasperation.

I cannot say that I’m proud of my occasional penchant for wanting to annoy others. It’s just a sense of curiosity about why some people find certain words, actions or even visuals distasteful, and I am able to practically control them by continuing to share these things in front of them, while getting ticked in my own soul over their frustration. As I said, I’m not proud of that, but have been known to participate.

But when it comes to the unknown annoy which happens, I have to admit that I’m baffled.

Sometimes I meet people, and even though I try, with all of my tenderness, humility and conversation, to evoke their pleasure, for some reason they find me distasteful.

I don’t know why, and on those occasions when I ask them if I’ve done something to offend, they insist that there’s nothing wrong while getting even more perturbed.

I remember one night, I was told that a girl with anorexia was coming to a party and she was in the midst of counseling and recovery. I immediately excused myself and left.

You see, I’m a fat man–so overweight that my mere appearance might cause a relapse in the young woman.

Yes, she would be annoyed at my sight.

You see, that one I get. But sometimes we remind people of other folks who have hurt them–or maybe it’s a smell. I don’t know.

So here’s a clue: when I choose to annoy, I need to remember to be careful and not overdo it. But when people find me annoying for no particular reason, I need to give them the room to ignore me … without having an opinion on their decision..

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