Creature

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Creature: (n) an animal, especially a non-human

I like animals—but I don’t love them.

This statement in itself is enough to make many people cease reading this article—for loving animals has become the symbol of great humanity, mercy and tenderness. I especially find displeasure in those who allude to the fact that they “love animals more than people.”

We have begun to accept such weirdness.

I guess if I felt that the people who loved animals cared equally for people, I would be very impressed and would want to learn from them how to be more passionate about…what is it they call them?

Oh, yes. Our “fur friends.”

But I feel these folks have decided to be empathetic with animals instead of their fellows, mainly because they can quietly overlord the creatures, while pretending equality.

After all, what’s a dog going to do if you insist you love it, but then make it wait an extra fifteen minutes to go out and pee so you can finish your make-up?

And what is a cat supposed to think when you show up two or three times a day for affection, and any time it wants to come and be close, you’re too busy watching TV?

It’s a strange game—because it is easy to love an animal that is not demanding, and not so easy to love one that requires equality.

I am still working on being kind to the sparrow and all other creatures.

But I will begin by loving those folks who I’m told are most certainly created in God’s image.

 

Donate Button


Subscribe to Jonathan’s Weekly Podcast

Good News and Better News

 

Copper

Copper: (n) a metallic element having a characteristic reddish-brown color: used in large quantities as an electrical conductor

Truth tiptoes gingerly on a tightrope between science and mysticism.

The absence of mysticism makes us think we’re stuck dealing only with elements of the Earth without us possessing a connection to the rest of the Universe.

The absence of science turns us into superstitious, impractical idealists who put too much focus on things which are not of the Earth.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I was talking to a man who was completely convinced that copper was a magical element which, when infused into clothing, healed the joints, bones and tendons. I wanted to listen to him with an open mind, but the claims he made were so outlandish—especially when he insisted that even cancer could be eliminated by copper-infused wearables.

You see, that’s what mysticism does. It tries to turn copper—which is a very valuable conductor of electricity and important element—into something it is not—a heal-all.

Yet science, for fear of wading into mysticism, can miss a little piece of Earth’s wonder because the idea was first touted by charlatans.

Do I believe that copper has the ability to heal my achy joints?

Do I think that some herb found in the rain forest of Brazil will make me pee better?

I don’t know.

But I am not so pessimistic as to ignore the fact that a very special type of bread mold was discovered to have healing properties, which led to the creation of penicillin, which has saved tens of thousands of lives.

So would I wear an arm band infused with copper to help my joints or drink a cup of herbal tea to calm my nerves?

I might if the arm band was stylish and the tea was tasty,

 


Donate Button


Subscribe to Jonathan’s Weekly Podcast

Good News and Better News

 

Bulldog

j-r-practix-with-border-2

Bulldog: (n) a dog of a sturdy smooth-haired breed with a large head and powerful protruding lower jaw

It was a bulldog named Polka.

One of my sons and his family purchased this old, brutish mutt, compelled by an inner need to display a dog which is obviouslDictionary By suffering from image issues and a variety of afflictions. She snorted, she slobbered and she found it very difficult to get around, spending a lot of her time panting.

So obviously, I felt an immediate affinity to her.

She apparently liked me, too–because every time I arrived at the house, she perched herself at the front door and wiggled her butt the best she could, while simultaneously peeing on the floor.

I can’t say it was the best greeting I ever had, but certainly the most sincere.

Bulldogs are known for having a difficult time acquiring air through their distorted snouts. So one day, in the midst of an extraordinarily hot, Florida afternoon, Polka exerted herself so much that she came home and died.

Even though, as time has passed, another bulldog named Oscar has been purchased to replace our long-lost friend, I will never forget her.

For I have never found anyone else to urinate in reverence to me.

 

Donate ButtonThank you for enjoying Words from Dic(tionary) —  J.R. Practix 

 

 

Bladder

Bladder: (n) a membranous sac in which urine is collected for excretion.

Dictionary B

Irony.

As I write this essay, I have squeezed my legs together because I need to pee.

It’s called Phase #1: I hold my breath and wait for about ten seconds, and the urge temporarily passes.

It is the first warning from my bladder that eviction is inevitable.

I don’t know if there’s a part of the body that is quite as insistent as the bladder for taking over matters in such a threatening way.

I have waited until Phase #2 many times. This is where a twinge of back pain accompanies the urge to squeeze out. The body is letting you know that withholding the pleasure of urination is creating great distress within the natural chemistry.

Phase #3: a fear of moving because of double dribbling.

I have gone as far as Phase #4, when my internal workings basically say, “screw this,” and I begin to release with no option.

Therefore, even though we take great pride in being in control of our lives, we must always understand: the bladder is really the ringmaster.

Donate ButtonThank you for enjoying Words from Dic(tionary) —  J.R. Practix 

 

Alcove

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Alcove: (n) a recess typically in the wall of a room or garden.

What an interesting definition. I always thought an alcove was more like a little chunk out of the mainland, where water creeps its way in, creating a still, calm environment.

Far be it from me to disagree with Mr. Webster–but since you have his definition, let me talk about mine.

I thought it was magical. Out on Hoover Lake, near Columbus, Ohio, there was this place. Maybe I’d better call it a spot. It was just an area of water near the shoreline, indented–about the size of two swimming pools–where we used to go fishing. We found it every time. After all, we thought it was magical.

There was a tree sticking up out of the lake, rocks along the shoreline, and the water was not terribly deep, so it was perfect for catching fish. I always believed it was kind of like a “resort area” for the little swimmers to go to–not suspecting there would be wise fishing souls like myself, to catch them on a hook.

I don’t really know if the fishing was better in that particular alcove. But I convinced myself it was. Matter of fact, I learned that the true magic in life is often in convincing yourself of something pretty good, so you can bring your heart and soul to the mission.

Catfish were in that alcove. I loved to catch ’em. I was a little squeamish about taking the hook out of their mouths because they have those barbs that can stick you. Often we used bread dough or a corn muffin as bait, because the catfish weren’t picky.

And it was easy to row over to the shoreline, get out of the boat, stretch your legs, take a good pee, and in just a minute, be back to the business of fishing.

I do remember being disappointed one afternoon when another boat came into our sacred turf. It felt defiling. How could it be special if other people discovered it?

But fortunately, they didn’t stay long. Completely missed out on the magic.

Isn’t that like life? One man’s alcove is another man’s disappointment.

So I apologize to Mr. Webster if I have misused the definition. But I’m afraid, considering my age, that I will continue to believe that my magical alcove on Hoover Lake is the vacation home of many a fishy possibility.

Accolade

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Accolade: (n) an award or privilege granted as a special honor or as an acknowledgment of merit

Famous accolades or prizes you wish could be awarded to you:

1. Your wife does not chase you out of the kitchen because she’s afraid you’ll blow up the blender.

2. Your husband comes home early from a night of being out with the guys to be with you, because he’s bored with their conversation.

3. Your boss asks your opinion and actually makes eye contact while you offer a suggestion.

4. The lovely young girl in the men’s section of the department store guesses your size, and it’s too small.

5. Your teenage son or daughter is not embarrassed to introduce you to his or her friends.

6. Your teenage son or daughter has a teacher who doesn’t giggle when he or she meets you.

7.  Your minister actually preaches less the Sunday following your comment on a lengthy sermon.

8.  Your banker smiles at you when you walk in the door instead of turning and darting into his office.

9. The guy in the meat department at the grocery store saves some “good steaks” for you because you’re such a good customer, while simultaneously frightening you with stories of what they’ve done to the “other meat.”

10.  You look in the mirror and it’s not as bad as you thought.

11.  It is as bad as you thought but the steam from the shower keeps you from looking in the mirror.

12.  Your dog leaps in the air when you walk in the room, and even pees himself at the notion of being in your presence.

13.  Your cat, who refuses to recognize that you exist, disappears one night without a trace. (Investigation still in progress . . .)

14. You finished your first tweet … and someone tweeted back.

15. You took your car to the dealership and found out that there was really nothing wrong with it, and even though they spent twenty minutes looking at it, they didn’t charge you because you are such a good customer.

16.  You arrive at Kentucky Fried Chicken just as they’re about to close, and they ask you if you’d like all the leftover pieces they were going to throw away–free of charge.

17.  The person you love thinks you’re loveable and sexy.

18. It’s a beautiful, sunshiny day, and you’ve found a radio station that plays music instead of just hits.

19. You die and arrive at the pearly gates and discover that Cloud 9 is available.

20. You have found new accolades that start your motor and keep you going, even though to some people, they appear to be insignificant.

Remember–an accolade is not something that the world considers to be worthy of consideration. An accolade is what YOU consider worthy of joyful appreciation … while you’re living in this world.