Category Archives: C words

Consult

Consult: (v) to seek information or advice from (someone with expertise

Try as I will, it is impossible to get anything but orange juice out of an orange. It might be handy; if I woke up and decided I wanted grape funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cjuice and could communicate my need to the orange, then I wouldn’t have to go out and buy a bunch of grapes.

But oranges are stubborn. They stay in their own skin.

And grapes won’t give me grapefruit juice, even though the name is included.

This is also true with human beings. Once people establish what flavor they are–what flows from them and what their essence is, it’s ridiculous to think they will offer a vast array of different ideas.

For instance, I would not go to a Catholic priest to talk about birth control. On that issue, he’s an orange. He’s going to impart orange juice.

Likewise, I would not go to a Planned Parenthood Center to make my final decision on whether to have a child born or aborted. They also may have a pat answer.

Who we consult and how we consult determines whether we actually have consulted, or just informed.

Anybody will inform you on anything at any time because we’re all susceptible to giving our opinion–even though we don’t know what the hell we’re talking about.

So when you discover something that needs to be explained or fulfilled in your life, you should go to the more neutral party–or else pick the person who is more likely to juice you up.

 

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Constructive

Constructive: (adj) serving a useful purpose; tending to build up

Unfortunately, the word “criticism” seems to have been welded onto “constructive.”

Matter of fact, people frequently talk to me about constructive criticism–how powerful it was for them in honing up their project or beefing up their efforts.

I am not convinced.

So let me be the first one to say that these two words need to be disconnected from each other once and for all.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

There are things that are constructive and there are things that are critical. There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

If you’re trying to be constructive, there is no need to be critical.

And if the intention is to establish your value to another person by criticizing, be prepared: it is unlikely that this will have a constructive result.

You can feel free to have constructive remarks, constructive questions, constructive concerns–but once you enter the cave of criticism, you’ve already darkened yourself as an authority to whom others need to bow.

If you really want to be constructive, here are the three questions you should ask someone if you think what he or she is pursuing needs another point of view:

  1. What is it you are trying to achieve?
  2. This is what I got off of it. Is that all right?
  3. Is this what you were looking for?

You can ask these three questions any time, and unless someone is dealing with severe anger management issues, they will be responsive and listen.

But if you change this to “constructive criticism,” which, by the way, is merely altering the questions into statements–(for instance, “I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve,” “I didn’t get it” and “I don’t think other people will comprehend your message either”)–these statements are bruising.

You do not need to agree with me on this, but I contend that merely switching the statements to questions does not take away your power of input.

It merely removes your position of superiority.

 

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Construct

Construct: (v) to build or erect something

Four days until Christmas.

I sit in my home and look around.

In the corner is a beautiful Christmas tree. It’s perfect for our little abode. In my earlier years I was a purist.

A tree had to be located–preferably on a farm–chopped down by my axe, brought back to the house, set into a stand, usually crooked, with two or three match boxes under the legs to make it even.

I spent hours stringing lights, hanging tinsel and arranging ornaments on the extracted fir. I did not feel successful unless I personally constructed my Christmas funny wisdom on words that begin with a C
tree.

Last year I went to the store and found one that hooked together, and when connected correctly, had all of its lights and branches perfectly formed to create a glowing mass of wonder.

I also used to think I had to have my nose in everyone’s business, so it was clear to them that I cared and also that my influence was obvious. Now I realize that getting all of my personal work done, doing my writing projects and remembering where I placed my favorite slippers is plenty of labor for me.

I do not need to construct other people’s lives to satisfy what I have deemed to be a respectable life plan.

I do admire those people who have a knack for putting things together, but I happen to be one of those individuals who’s an enthusiast about things that are already constructed, and arrive in my presence in totality–ready to be enjoyed.

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Constrain

Constrain: (v) to compel or force someone toward a particular course of action

I stopped being political many years ago when folks pushed me to join a party. They constrained me.

I ceased being religious when I realized that I couldn’t just love my neighbor as myself, but needed to sit my butt down for an hour-long funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cservice of boredom, which I was supposed to pay for in the offering plate. They constrained me to be a church attendee.

I refused to be super-macho in order to prove to all the men and women in the world that I was worthy of consideration, though the constraint to do so was extraordinarily intense.

My thought has always been, if a candidate isn’t worthy to hold office, advertising him or her as one of your party does not increase his or her value.

Likewise, if God needs my money instead of my heart, then maybe He should go out and get a job.

And if hair on your head, hair on your face and hair on your balls is the symbol of manhood, then I would prefer to languish in the animal kingdom.

When anyone tries to constrain you to do something, using intimidation or threatening that if you don’t, you won’t belong, you won’t be saved or you won’t “get the chicks,” then you should smile and say, “No, thanks. See ya’ later. I have an appointment to talk with myself.”

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Constitution

Constitution: (n) a body of fundamental principles or established precedents

Shall we call it the quest?

It is the odyssey that science, spirituality, government, entertainment, business, morality and ethics should be on in the pursuit of finding out what is best for the human race.

Many years ago, our forefathers decided to establish a document which would explain their hopes and dreams for a new country. It was a step. It was the beginning of this quest–a constitution which constitutes that we intend to get along together, and will find a way to do it while granting each other the pursuit of happiness.

Tricky business.

After all, your happiness may be my definition of immorality–and my morality may seem to be an unlawful imprisonment to your desires.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

So the constitution is not a collection of thoughts, phrases and paragraphs, but rather, an attempt to understand that there will be some evolution, discovery and realizations that come along the way which will cause us to reflect on what we have already written–and add to it with an eye toward the common good.

Matter of fact, there may be some things we need to subtract because they limited a particular group of people at the time the document was written.

The beauty of a constitution is that it is a great starting place to commence something truly significant.

But the quest must go on.

And those who try to freeze time, limit possibilities or preclude others are not following the constitution, but rather, using it as a means of inhibiting the free expression of all citizens.

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Constituency

Constituency: (n) a body of voters in a specified area who elect a representative to a legislative body.

Human beings are selfish.

Get over it.

Stop lamenting it.

Cease to selfishly object to the selfishness of others.

Once you come to the conclusion that human beings are selfish and it’s part of our DNA, then you can begin to use this selfishness for good instead of having it deteriorate into a bunch of callous, crude, rude and bigoted actions.

Politicians believe they have constituency–a group of people who believe in them and are at least willing to go to the voting booth to prove it. I see nothing funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cwrong with this as long as we don’t take the darker portions of the human race and play them up simply for the right to have a parking space on Capitol Hill.

The mission is about discovering how to take our selfishness and turn it into something positive for our own lives, and then, overjoyed to step away, we try to help other people have the same opportunity in their lives.

You can take every bible in the world, every religion, every class on etiquette, every political maneuver and every lecture from your parents and set them aside if they don’t take into consideration the selfishness with which each one of us is imbued.

The journey is about how we can turn our selfishness into mercy, gentleness and kindness because we’re so joyously goddamn happy.

 

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Constipation

Constipation: (n) a condition in which there is difficulty in emptying the bowels

I want to ask those of you who are my friends to keep watch for the “thought police” and the politically correct lawyers as I try to discuss something very human without being critiqued for addressing a vulgar topic.

It is amazing to me what we are willing to talk about, which often is profane and nasty, as opposed to the things we are unwilling to talk funny wisdom on words that begin with a Cabout, which are human and common, but we have decided are uncouth.

There isn’t a person reading this who has not farted or had constipation, yet introducing the subject seems to make people uncomfortable. (The issue of human sexuality and masturbation are similar–things we like to do but don’t want to discuss.)

Everybody enjoys a good bowel movement. Matter of fact, I would guess that each and every one of you reading this article has turned a release of your innards into a religious experience by thanking God in some way during the evacuation.

If something so sacred as sitting on the pot is a taboo subject, then where is our race headed?

I have been constipated.

I have been unconstipated.

I can recommend the latter.

And if you don’t blush over your “Number 2,” then with me…you’re “Number 1.”

 

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Consternation

Consternation: (n) feelings of anxiety or dismay

I agreed to go shopping with a friend. I don’t do that very often–not because I am anti-social or unwilling to get out of my house and peruse the neighborhood.

To me, shopping is a personal thing, with a personal approach.

I like to organize before I go, flow into the shopping center, pick my things up, take advantage of any sales, acquiring a surprise or two, andfunny wisdom on words that begin with a C get back home with the sense of accomplishment.

I don’t hurry but I also don’t linger.

So my decision to go shopping with this other person was carefully made, and decided in order to promote some good fellowship.

We arrived at the shopping mall and it was crowded.

My friend had to circle several times to find a parking space, and then a guy with a little car pulled in front of him and took it.

Honestly, my friend was already a little dismayed over having to search for a parking anyway, but the action of the little car turned it into consternation.

He sat there, blocking traffic, until the driver of the little car got out. My buddy yelled at him.There was no profanity, but he made it clear that he thought the dude had no upbringing and was basically “an common asshole.”

After this he sped away, looking for a space, grumbling under his breath. He peered at me and posed the question, “Have you ever seen anything like that before?”

I had, so I truthfully replied, “Yes.”

He was not satisfied, so he pursued. “Well, don’t you think that’s stupid–what that guy did?”

Also easy to answer. “Yes.”

“So,” he continued, “would you have done what I did?”

Uh-oh. Now I was trapped. I could lie and tell him I would have done the same thing, to make sure the shopping trip was more pleasant, and to take away the dark cloud brought on by the “space stealer.”

But I decided to tell him the truth. “My friend,” I said, “I don’t pursue confrontation unless the person receiving my challenge has the possibility of learning from it and becoming different.”

My friend didn’t like my answer. For the entire two hours we were at the mall he remained grumpy. He didn’t like what the stores had to offer, he hated the prices, and when we stopped at the Food Court for a delicious lunch, he was convinced his burrito was too salty and not made with actual meat.

He faithfully maintained a pious position of consternation.

I, on the other hand, was grateful to get home.

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Constellation

Constellation: (n) a group of stars forming a recognizable pattern

Christmas: when the nays and yeas get together to discuss a baby born in the hay.

To me, It is the only wearisome part of the season. One group tries to convince the other group that the Christmas story from the gospels of Matthew and Luke is not only possible, but also historical.

The other contingency works really hard to dismiss the whole, ridiculous notion of a virgin birth, a Star of David and “angels we have heard on high.”funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I take a different approach.

I like to consider what the world needs and what the Earth craves, and then find things in the perimeter which feed that urgency.

The world desperately needs all of us to become human instead of men, women, gay, straight, family, country and culture.

So I flip to Christmas: “We bring you tidings of great joy. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.”

The Earth also desires respect. Yes, we are a bratty species which thinks the environment is our personal roll of toilet paper.

And then we have the story of the Star of Bethlehem. Somewhere out there in the constellations there emerged a star. The popular belief is that this would have to be a huge star–not necessarily true since the people who followed it were star-gazers, and would not need to be “star-struck” in order to be intrigued with a particular heavenly body.

The elements of the Christmas story are concepts that we, as humans, would have to pursue even if there was no God. For example:

  1. Be prepared to do what is unusual, or expect the usual results.
  2. Don’t expect everything to come the way you predicted it. Maybe a woman will be the hero of the tale.
  3. Look to the stars. Look for some light. Look for some hope. Follow it.
  4. Listen for the better angels, who tell us to try to get along.

My only regret at Christmas time, as an author, is that Matthew and Luke beat me to the publisher.

Because I’ll tell ya’–I would write that story any day of the week, knowing that it was not only needful, but destined to be a hit.

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Constant

Constant: (adj) occurring continuously over a period of time.

I call them “weenie words.” These are exaggerated terms we use to either gain sympathy or establish our prowess.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Constant is one of those words.

“I am constantly in pain.”

I’m sorry–highly unlikely.

“I am praying constantly for you.”

I hope not. Please set aside some time for your life.

“I am constantly exercising to stay in shape.”

So what’s the advantage of being in shape if you don’t have time to flaunt it?

“I am constantly wrestling with insomnia.”

O-h-h-h, I don’t know. I’ll come back in about fifteen minutes and see you dozing.

There are certain constants that would be good, but you rarely hear them:

“I am constantly learning to be a better person through my mistakes.”

“I am constantly being reminded that I’m not as good as I think I am.”

“I am constant in my need for people to inform me when I’m being an asshole.”

Constant is a weenie word–a choice of language we make when we’re trying to impress, complain or insist that we’ve done everything humanly possible.

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