Tag Archives: ass

Astronaut

Astronaut: (n) a person who is trained to travel in a spacecraftdictionary with letter A

I am officially an astroNOT.

There are so many reasons I could not be an astronaut. Matter of fact, if people were gathered in a room discussing their ability to be astronauts, I would have to leave because I would have nothing to contribute. And if I suggested I might be suited in any way for the occupation, laughter would ensue.

Let me list the ways that I am astronaut-less:

1. I actually am larger and weigh more than the space capsule in which I would be inserted.

2. Claustrophobia. It is not a good thing to have when you’re living in an enclosure that fits you like a glove.

3. I don’t like toothpaste for brushing my teeth, let alone for squeezing out food from a tube for dinner.

4. Peeing in my spacesuit. Distasteful.

5. Training. Physical training is not at the top of my list for pleasure. I exercise–on occasion–because I am threatened with death.

6. Having megatons of high explosives directly under my ass exploding, with the hopes of propelling me into space.

7. Weightlessness (although I have to admit, it sounds like an easier way to shed pounds).

8. Walking on the moon just seems weird.

9. Sharing a small space with other people who hate you because you’re taking up their space.

10. Returning to Earth.

So you see, I shall never be an astronaut.

I will not pretend I’m an astronaut, nor shall I bore you any further by writing about my weaknesses in becoming an astronaut.

P.S. Yet, my friend, Janet Clazzy, could be an astronaut. (I actually don’t know whether she could or not, but it’s her birthday today, and this was a really cheap way of mentioning it…)

 

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Ass

Ass: (n) a foolish or stupid persondictionary with letter A

  • I have been foolish in my life. It did not make me an ass.
  • I have been stupid–many times. Once again, not an ass.

I would have to disagree that merely making mistakes or lacking the memory to recall how to avoid them classifies any human being as an ass.

What makes us into asses is the desire to make ourselves look good, even when we are foolish and stupid.

Arrogance is what “assifies” the human being.

Quickly admitting foolishness is beneficial. Being willing to attest to your stupidity can be downright endearing.

But insisting that your particular rendition of the truth–which has proven to be riddled with falseness–is still viable and worthy of consideration, is what places you in the position of being an ass–and needing to be kicked there.

Now there is another word, which is “asshole.”

If you will allow me to put forth my personal interpretation of that word, it would be as follows:

Since an ass is an individual who becomes prideful over his or her foolishness or stupidity, an asshole is someone who decides to preach and teach their arrogance…to others.

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Antarctica

dictionary with letter AAntarctica: A continent around the South Pole

Somebody just wanted seven.

I am convinced that some guy putting together the map of the world thought that seven continents looked better than six, so he peered down at the South Pole and said, “Hey! There’s a continent!”

(Obviously, he didn’t think that eight was as poetic as seven. Otherwise, why leave out the North Pole?)

It must have been a real public relations bonanza for all the penguins and polar bears, even though I cannot truthfully tell you that I am positive there are polar bears at the South Pole.

Actually, what I know about the South Pole has gone south in my intelligence level.

I know this: I have no desire to visit it.

Matter of fact, when it occasionally comes on the television set with some sort of special about it, I turn the channel because I get cold.

I don’t like to get cold.

I grew up in the Midwest in an area where we weren’t even blessed with an abundance of snow–only the dreariness of gray clouds and the damp, bitter Jack Frost nipping at your ass.

So as I have aged (beyond twelve) I yearn for a place where you can walk out the door without having to display half of your wardrobe to stay warm.

So obviously, I am not a fan of Antarctica.

I don’t even like penguins that well because I think they’re making fun of how I walk.

And I was disappointed the first time I saw a polar bear, realizing that they’re really not white. They’re kind of a sickly beige.

So hats off to those who want to explore this mysterious seventh continent, including it on their bucket list of things to do before they die.

Just realize that if you do go … everything in your bucket will be frozen.

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Anal

dictionary with letter A

Anal: (n) a stage in Freudian psychosis denoting infantile psychosis as seen by a preoccupation with the anus. 2. Anal-retentive: obsessively preoccupied with details.

Perusing this particular definition, I was struck with a notion.

Even though words do have specific meanings, they gradually assimilate into the culture based upon whether we choose to view a thought as positive or negative.

Freud, with his usual obsession for body parts, was quick to point out that “anal,” from his perspective, had something to do with the ass.

Yet in our society, when we refer to somebody as anal, we are connoting an attention to detail–or if we find that attitude unacceptable, we make reference to someone being “picky.”

But I think if you blend the definitions, it’s quite fun, isn’t it?

Because after all, people who don’t take care of their own bum, cleaning it and maintaining its hygiene, will eventually be considered nasty.

Likewise, without a little bit of fussiness about maintaining order and the dignity of things, we will disappoint those around us and convince them quite quickly by exposing the hole in our ass.

  • What is too much attention to detail?
  • What is being picky?

I think three things are necessary to be considered solvent and of sound mind:

1. I don’t make my problems your problems.

Even though we like to help one another through difficulty, the specific dilemma needs to be complex enough to warrant intervention.

2. Generally speaking, I am a person of good cheer.

After all, to be around efficiency which is grouchy makes you soon forget the quality of the work and only remember the cranky.

3. I’m improving.

In other words, we can get by with being inefficient once or twice, but after that, it becomes an annoying vice.

So there is a certain amount of attention to the caboose necessary to maintain a good train.

And as human beings, without being obnoxious … we can still strive toward adequacy.

 

 

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Amnesia

dictionary with letter A

Amnesia: (n) a partial or total loss of memory.

It is the sin of humanity.

How quickly we forget what it was like to be who we just were.

So the eight-year-old laughs at his baby brother, who needs a pacifier.

The teenager is critical of why her little punk sister plays with Barbie dolls.

The twenty-three-year-old, starting a new job, is baffled at why all the high schoolers are so worked up about the prom.

The thirty-five-year-old business man/father is perturbed at the lack of solvency and forethought in those twenty somethings.

The fifty-year-old, working on his career and retirement plan, cannot comprehend how younger generation gets by without worrying about an IRA.

And everybody over seventy completely forgets what it was like to be younger, as they convince themselves that life consists of finding good prices on meds, staying active and eating a healthy, early dinner.

Yes, the greatest gift we give to one another is remembering what it was like.

Without this we are not an asset.

Just an ass.

 

 

 

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Akimbo

Words from Dic(tionary)

dictionary with letter A

Akimbo: (adv) with limbs flung out widely or haphazardly. e.g.: she fell on the ice, arms and legs akimbo

It happens from time to time.

I think it’s because some people come into a motel room and use the shower for oil treatments, hair coloring or perhaps they have particularly slippery shampoos or conditioners. I’m not sure.

But you will occasionally come across a porcelain surface in a shower stall that is so slippery that you will suddenly find yourself sliding in every direction as you grope for the wall, only to discover that these tiles are equally as slippery–lending itself to the possibility of an uncontrolled sprawl.

The danger here is simple. If you try to correct your tumble too quickly, you actually increase the possibility of ending up akimbo, with parts of your legs and arms broken in the process. After all, usually people don’t really get hurt during a fall. Most of the time we suffer the damage by attempting to correct the spill–inaccurately.

This happened to me recently in one of those shower situations, as I began to slide in four different directions, incapable of handling more than two. My blood pressure shot up, fear gripped my soul and I had the instinct to try to rectify my situation quickly.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I allowed myself to slide to a position where I ceased to fall uncontrollably. I froze for a moment, regaining my wits, and then found a way to simply lean back and land with a safe bounce on my ass.

It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was controlled. It was creative. It kept me from asking parts of my body that were not suited towards weird angles to restructure their joints and ligaments.

Because even though I may never use the word “akimbo” ever again, I do understand that arms and legs were never meant to be asses.

The ass learned a long time ago that it has a calling in a crisis–to handle all the crap.

Accusation

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Accusation: (n.) a charge or claim that someone has done something illegal or wrong.

Does an accusation have to be true?

Or is an accusation speculation by definition?

And if it is true, is it sometimes necessary to bring an accusation against someone to clear the air, to make sure some benefit can be derived from the experience?

Or does the action of bringing an accusation make you an ass whether it is true OR false?

Is there anyone in history who was an accuser who is now revered as being valuable and noble?

Is there a different route that can be taken to expose stupidity without using the act of accusation?

Is accusation what jealous people do to slow down the progress of those who appear to be surpassing their notoriety?

Is there a different word than “accusation” that would cover exposure of a misdeed?

Can an accusation be made nicely?

Can an accusation be made without pointing one’s finger?

Is it possible to make an accusation without drawing attention to your own inadequacies?

Do we believe that God makes accusations against human beings? And if He does, is it fair for Him to accuse us when He has a divine advantage?

So is there an upside to accusation?

Are we better off keeping our nose to the grindstone and pursuing our dreams without trying to critique the efforts of those pulling a load nearby?

Is it possible to ask too many questions about “accusation” before you become totally obnoxious–AND  a victim of the same action?

Accusation–it is a decision to pursue a point of attack, making sure that you have all of your bases covered for the backlash that certainly will follow.

Abut

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Abut: (v.) 1. to be next to an area of land or a building 2. to share a common boundary with

This word conjured a hilarious story from my past.

I once knew this lady who prided herself on being very dignified. She was dumped at the altar by a suitor who was less than scrupulous, and we invited her out to dinner to comfort her in her hour of anguish and sorrow. We all were furious with this venial chap who had treated her so badly.

Matter of fact, one of the members of our party called this fellow “an ass.”

The woman was a bit proper in her stylings, and never comfortable with the use of colorful language or colloquialisms. So even though we encouraged her to vent her anger, she could never quite come to the point of using the more appropriate terms to describe her rage.

So every time we referred to this former fiance as “an ass,” she would correct us by replying, “I don’t like that. Let’s just call him a butt.”

So as the evening wore on and she became more infuriated by him and confident in herself, her use of the phrase “a butt” became more and more intense, until finally, by the end of the evening, “a butt” sounded more ferocious and foul than “an ass.”

It was a valuable lesson to me–that often it’s not the words we choose that carry the vengeance, but rather, the spirit by which they’re flung.

But it will be impossible for me to ever think about “a butt” without remembering her crimson face spitting it out with gushers of anguish, as she pronounced the former boyfriend to be “a butt.”