Monthly Archives: July 2013

Acrid

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acrid: (adj.) an irritatingly strong and unpleasant taste or smell

I guess we universally say something isn’t to our taste, but I’ve never heard anyone say it’s not to their smell.

Am I right?

So is it possible that folks who love jalapenos and maybe will even eat grasshoppers, still universally despise the smell of crap?

For there ARE cultures which devour things that we would never eat, but I’ve never seen any place in the world where certain odors are tolerated.

(Well, take that back. There is the Midwest, where people drive into their small towns and seem to accept the air of cow manure permeating the surroundings. But even there, if you look deeply into their eyes, most of them seem to reflect a wish that the cows would poop elsewhere…)

And there ARE certain things we will tolerate and eat and not call them “acrid” because we’re trying to impress. For instance, I have never been a drinker of alcohol. Yet if I’m in Wisconsin and someone offers me a beer they’ve made in their basement (which, by the way, SHOULD be frightening enough) I feel compelled to take a drink and somehow or another come up with an approving phrase about the liqueur. They usually know very quickly that I don’t know what I’m talking about, but ignore that in deference to my politeness.

I remember the first time I was out on a date with a girl, very early in my years, and I realized that she was willing to kiss me–repeatedly.  But in the process of receiving THAT very pleasant experience, I had to reconnoiter her breath, which was a bit … acrid.

I was torn. Two sensations tugging at my soul–the pleasure of appreciating a woman’s lips and a revulsion in my gut which was suggesting we move further away from the attacking stench.

It is amazing what we will accept if we feel the results are to our benefit.

I was watching a show last night on TV. Young women were trying to lose weight by drinking green, slimy slushes to trim off the pounds. What struck me was that these lovely ladies will probably not want to drink this concoction the rest of their lives, and that we as a human race, have not found a way to produce good-tasting food that doesn’t kill us.

  • Why can’t we have peanut butter that’s low in calories?
  • Why not a beef steak that has the nutrition of broccoli?

This might be more beneficial than curing cancer. But we’re going to continue to eat and smell acrid things and pretend they’re good for us, knowing that in a moment of slight weakness, we will run away.

Acrid is NOT in the eye, the taste buds, nor the nose of the beholder. It’s pretty universal.

I guess it’s just the common conclusion to almost everything.

Some people just lie better.

Acre

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter AAcre: (n.) a unit of land area equal to 4,840 square yards

I don’t use the word “acre” much.

I once had a house near the lake which sat on one-and-a-half acres–considered to be a lot of land in its location.

Of course, it’s NOTHING in comparison to forty acres and a mule. That’s what each emancipated slave was promised upon leaving the plantation to begin a life of freedom. (Most of them are still waiting.)

It did make me think… forty acres are a LOT of turf. But I suppose if you had a family of four or five people, it would take that much land to plant enough crops to sustain one through the year.

My family owned a farm just outside our little town which was about four or five acres. (My brother recently described it as a “forty acre farm,” but I am quite sure that was embellishment  … or land envy.) But I do remember that the four or five acres was also quite expansive–since NONE of us knew how to farm, clear the terrain or maintain the surroundings.

I once thought I might like to be a land-owner, or baron. But after owning a home for a certain length of time and wondering if every creak would turn into a crimp, draining my bank account, I am not quite so eager to be an “acre taker.”

As I travel across the country, I drive by fields which are impeccably maintained by intelligent farmers who provide the sustenance for our country–and probably enough surplus to feed the whole world, if such a notion ever popped into our minds. Such magnificent technicians these farmers must be!

Because I remember–when my family tried to grow strawberries on about a half an acre, the sheer brute force of nature, in the form of weeds, pestilence and poor weather conditions, turned our little crop into scrub brush instead of quarts and quarts of blessing.

I am so glad there are people who understand “acre,” so that I can benefit from their wisdom … and buy my strawberries in containers at the store.

I hope someday I can assist them in some wonderful way. Maybe I could write an essay on planting or harvesting.

Acquit

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acquit: (v.) 1. to free someone from a criminal charge by a verdict of not guilty 2. to conduct oneself or perform in a specified way: e.g. he needs to acquit himself well.

The word “acquit” makes me flash back to the O. J. Simpson trial in the 1990’s. Of course, if I was much younger, that might not be the case. But the memory of Johnnie Cochran saying, “If it don’t fit, you must acquit” immediately popped into my mind with the revelation of this day’s word.

To freshen your memory, the statement was made in relationship to a bloody glove discovered at the crime scene, which was placed on Mr. Simpson’s hand during the trial and seemingly was ill-fitted.

I guess that’s why the word “acquit” is an uneasy concept for me. I have to admit when I occasionally think about the idea of life after death, I don’t envision myself to be gloriously saved so much as I think of being “acquitted” by a really slick lawyer.

So after the experience with what they referred to as “the trial of the century” with O. J. Simpson, the word “acquit” leaves me a bit cold. What it connotes to me is that somehow or another, someone escaped responsibility due to a lack of evidence.

What I would hope for myself is that I would bring the evidence of my strengths AND weaknesses to the forefront BEFORE others prosecute me, making it clear that I am a mysterious balance between bungle and blessing.

Is that so hard to do? I guess it is. I would assume that our “jungle instinct” keeps us from admitting our faults, and instead, praying for an acquittal.

But of course, the danger of being acquitted is that unless you start walking the straight and narrow, you’re liable to slide off the path AGAIN–to get caught and this time, not have your fancy lawyer around anymore.

Thus the story of “The Juice.”

I think I’m going to work on being candid instead of counting on twelve people in a box deciding I’m not guilty.

Yes, that seems wiser.

Acquire

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acquire: (v.) 1. to buy or obtain 2. to learn or develop 3. something one comes to enjoy through experience: e.g.an acquired taste

When I was moving out of my house to go on the road and realized that I needed to get my life reduced to a suitcase and a shave kit, I was immediately struck by how much STUFF I had acquired.

“Acquiring” is not the accumulation of assets. Often it is brought about by a fear of losing or a lack of assessing.

For instance, I had things in my closet which had no power for my existence. Worse, I did not remember where they came from or why I had acquired them in the first place. Yet they collected space.

It was bizarre. In a weird sense, I realized that from the moment of my birth, I was always trying to expand my three square feet of human location to bigger and bigger proportions, perhaps in order to tout my value.

After all, if you live in a 5,000-square-foot house and it is chock-full of things you’ve acquired, doesn’t that make you more important? It shouts that you are NOT a person toting a backpack or pushing a shopping cart through a park to your favorite bench. Rather, you are a respectable sort–one who possesses many different knickknacks, most of which are completely irrelevant.

It really gave me pause for thought. What DO I want to acquire?

What immediately popped into my mind was “experience.” But experience is overrated if it does not make us more flexible individuals.

I might want to acquire friendships. But actually, most of our friends are really acquaintances. Candidly, an acquaintance is someone who tells you that you look nice. A friend is someone who knows it’s nice to tell you when you look bad. So I guess I DO want to acquire friends. But how many of those will we be fortunate enough to have?

It reminds me of an old proverb: “With all your getting of knowledge, acquire wisdom.”

And what IS wisdom? Wisdom is knowing the real reason you do things–without having to make up an excuse on the fly;. Yeah, I guess THAT’S what I want to acquire.

But not too much ..,. just in case I have to move again.

Acquiescent

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter AAcquiescent: (adj.) a person who is ready to accept something without protest or to do what someone else wants: e.g. the unions were acquiescent and there was no overt conflict.

I sat and stared at that word for at least ten minutes.

I tried to imagine a climate or situation where being acquiescent had completely positive overtones. I understand that we believe it does.

For instance, I remember that when I had teenage sons I often wanted them to be acquiescent. But looking back on it now that they are all grown, I see that their lack of compliance was often the signal of a creative explosion within them which was NOT grounded in rebellions, but rather, was ordained by the priest of inspiration.

  • Is it possible to be acquiescent and be strong?
  • How about acquiescent and driven?
  • Acquiescent and earth-changing?
  • Acquiescent and a true son of God?

I just don’t know.

Certainly there are times when I want to be the peace giver and the peace provider for situations which are rife with volatility. But actually, these occasions are so rare that it’s barely worth bringing up. Most of the time there needs to be a strength that is baptized in mercy, anointed with resolve and willing to express grace.

But that’s not really acquiescent, now, is it?

When I think of acquiescent, I think of a span of nearly forty years in this country–from 1820 to 1860–when political men of good will allowed for slavery to continue in an attempt to keep everything running on an even keel and to avoid the horror of conflict and war. They compromised. They allowed a whole generation of black Americans to be born, to live, to suffer and die in chains in order to maintain an amiable, uneasy peace.

It was not destined to be.

There you go. Acquiescence only works when we are destined to give in to an inevitable truth. To give in to a lie in order to prevent upheaval is not acquiescence.

It’s just cowardly.

 

Acquaint

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

  Acquaint: (v.) to make someone aware of or familiar with: e.g. “let me acquaint you with your new staff.”

Aware. Familiar.

There are so many forces at work, trying to snatch my awareness and force me to become familiar with their rendition of the truth or their innovative marketing scheme.

I am in danger of becoming a red rubber ball, bouncing among a playground full of childish participants, who view me merely as a tool of their game.

It is up to me to acquaint myself with the things in life that enrich the possibility for optimism, without turning me into a silly bird flying in every direction, chasing sunbeams.

I need to believe without ignoring my reality. How do you do that?

I must become aware of good hues, while familiarizing myself with darker tints. If I mingle the two, I can become pragmatic AND pursue my portion of the solution instead of rallying to the rear of the naysayers:

  • I will acquaint myself with the beauty of a crooning sparrow. These creatures beckon the beginning of a new day.
  • I will acquaint myself with the homeless people in my community, who would revel in receiving my dollar bill instead of me eating unnecessary calories from the convenience store treat.
  • I will acquaint myself with music of all types instead of taking sides on tunes and ridiculing those choices that are not found on my I-pod.
  • I will acquaint myself with traditions that have been the salvation of many a soul, instead of finding fault with the numerous silly attempts they often make to share their testimony.
  • I will acquaint myself with the beauty and power of both political parties and astound the world around me by pointing out the better moments of each.
  • I will acquaint myself with the God I discover in nature instead of somehow or another bowing down to nature AS God.
  • I will acquaint myself with the gentleness of touching a human hand instead of pawing at life, grabbing on for satisfaction.

I will become aware. I will familiarize myself with truth.

Yes, I will acquaint myself with what makes me free.

I will acquaint myself with you–without asking you to become me.

Acoustic

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acoustic: (adj.) of music or musical instruments not having electrical amplification: e.g. acoustic guitar

  • It has to be fun.
  • It has to be humble.
  • And it has to be willing to learn.

Those are the three ingredients I think are necessary to make any adventure workable, enjoyable and realistic. Whenever any group of people takes themselves so seriously that they believe they’ve arrived at the apex of all understanding or the pinnacle of all talent, they are obnoxious and in some ways, dangerous.

This is true of musicians.

Music, which was meant to be a heartfelt explosion of joy, intimacy and emotion, has become, God forbid, a craft. And as craftsmen, we sit around and discuss the subtleties of the use of particular implementations which hold our delicate treasures together.

Thus the word acoustic.

So the rock band, which was once willing to admit “they only knew four chords and that’s why their music sounded the way it did,” pretentiously now does a documentary film, sharing their music acoustically instead of using electronic assistance. We’re supposed to stand back in awe of these cave men, who have discovered that there is some little world outside their enclosure, and mull over their genius simply because … “they’ve unplugged.”

I love music.

  • Music was God’s way of saying life should be tuneful.
  • Music was God’s apology for conversation.
  • And music is our way of expressing ourselves without insisting that the whole room listen to us pontificate.

So we should HUMBLY pursue it, realizing our limitations and ceasing to make excuses for our frequent bobbles.

But instead, we proclaim some people who compose to be “masters,” and everyone else mere “minstrels.”

So rather than enjoying the fact that other people have picked up our instrument and exceeded our efforts, we instead attempt to tear them down because they are not purists and don’t honor the traditions of syncopation or structure.

YUK.

I don’t care if you rock, jazz, square dance, hillbilly, rap or insist on Mozart. Be humble about it and have some fun. You’re not a better musician because you play an acoustic guitar instead of an electric one. It’s not a better auditorium because it’s acoustically adjusted to the high A-sharp on the first violin.

It’s supposed to be joyful. “A joyful noise”–remember that? So unless you plan on giggling and dancing, don’t come my way.

Acoustic set.

Somebody needs to take off the rubber nose and the big floppy shoes.

Acorn

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acorn: (n.) the fruit of the oak; a smooth, oval nut in a rough, cup-like base.

I decided not to look it up. You see, I found that my feeble attempts at trying to REMEMBER the old saying were much more comical.

  • I think it’s “Big oaks from little acorns grow.”
  • Although it could be: “little acorns make big oaks.”
  • I’m pretty sure it’s not, “Big acorns amazingly make little oaks.”
  • There is a chance it might be, “Big growth comes from little acorns which cause oak trees.”

You get the idea.

It’s one of those little slogans made up by people to take basically worthless objects and make them seem valuable. Here’s the problem with acorns–you can’t eat ’em.

No matter what else the acorn does, it is completely obliterated by the walnut, the pecan and any number of other similar nuts that end up in our tummies instead of our Book of Proverbs.

I do not know why some people can’t understand that value is placed on objects. Things that are lesser are sometimes just short-changed.

I became a happier man when I realized that every time I walk into a room, there are people in that enclosure who are smarter than me. I do not have to be equally attractive, equally intelligent or equally blessed with everyone I meet. And acorns just need to understand that the little cap they wear on top of their heads may be cute, but they’re just a hard nut to crack.

So … let me be the first one (or tenth one, depending on how far this has moved along) to say that merely declaring everything equal in quality does not make it so.

I think by creation and by mission, acorns are just as good as pecans. But until they come up with a way to transform themselves into a delicious pie, they need to understand that in my book, they are not promotable.

 

Acolyte

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acolyte: (n.) a person assisting the celebrant in a religious service or procession.

I make no judgments on traditional religious practices which I may or may not consider to be part of my lifestyle.

Yet some of the more humorous events have happened to me while watching young and old try to walk down to the front of the church and light the ceremonial candles.

We call them acolytes. They are usually young people who have been convinced they have been granted an honor by sitting through a couple of classes, hearing an over-explained description of an age-old process, which appears to be VERY simple until Sunday morning arrives and they are put in the position of being the fire-starters.

One of my favorite visions is the young acolyte wearing the ceremonial robe with a pair of dirty tennis shoes sticking out of the bottom. I won’t even go into the symbolism.

I recall being at one church and an acolyte came forward to light the candle, only to discover that his magic fire stick was not making connection with the wick. For some reason the thing would NOT ignite. So in a moment of humanity, he proclaimed for all to hear: “Aw, shit.”

Laugher ensued (even though I am sure folks sought absolution later.)

I DO like it when there is a hovering grown-up presence off to the side, nervously watching the youngsters go up to light the candles, like a mother hen concerned that the chicks will not know how to receive the nourishment of the grain being thrown by the farmer, breathlessly anticipating a fiasco–nearly apoplectic.

And of course, you can’t forget the acolytes who come forward dragging their feet, completely disconnected, barely able to get through the process before collapsing, exhausted, on the front pew designated for their position.

I know that the lighting of the candles is a symbolic portrayal of “bringing in the light of Christ” to our spiritual gathering. But like most human attempts to honor divine concepts, it is always laced with inadequacy, comedy and apathy.

I am not suggesting we should train and pay acolytes who are more professional in their approach.

But in conclusion, my favorite of all the events was when one of the deacons at a church realized that the trainee acolyte was having difficulty lighting the candle. The deacon ran up to the rescue, tried to light the candle himself using the apparatus, was equally unsuccessful, and so reached into his pocket and pulled out his cigarette lighter, leaned forward to complete the job, had his cigarettes fall out of his pocket, bounce on the altar–and scatter all over the top of the prepared communion.

In the seconds that followed, you could sense the man’s horror. There were probably countless revelations about his character revealed through this single action–and speculation on whether it would be appropriate to remove one of his cigarettes from the holy goblet, nearly rendering him paralyzed.

At length he gathered up his smokes and retreated to his seat to languish in his humiliation.

Being an acolyte is another one of those rites of passage that you have as a young person, which older people tell you is very, very important–but no one ever really mentions … after their eighteenth birthday.

 

Acne

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acne: (n.) the occurrence of inflamed or infected sebaceous glands in the skin, characterized by red pimples, usually on the face, prevalent among teenagers.

There are so many things about acne that come to my mind that I barely know where to start.

I was not one of those people who had tremendous amounts of the skin infestation. There were people in my class in high school who appeared to have a face of acne, with occasional interruptions of real skin.

This was not me.

My face broke out around my chin and sometimes in my lip area, which was frightening enough in itself.

Somewhere around my fifteenth birthday, I became convinced that my lips were huge. Matter of fact, I would occasionally purse them when I was around young women for fear that they might think I had some Afrikaan in my ancestry. Not only was that thought bigoted, but also ridiculous when you saw my parents, who made the Pillsbury Dough Boy look like he had just come back from Jamaica.

But the thing about acne is, in a self-conscious era, an even more obvious and visible affliction is placed on you. For those who wonder if God is cruel or just has a bizarre sense of humor, the gift of acne to adolescents is an excellent example.

As a teenager, you have a self-consciousness which teeters on suicidal to begin with, and to be given a red rash all over your face, to accentuate your lack of attractiveness, might be the definition of cruel and unusual.

It didn’t help to be around adults. Adults fell into one of three categories:

1. Understanding. Now, this may sound promising, but to hear someone say “you’ll outgrow it” is like the Mama Alligator telling her young offspring that his tail will grow back after the truck ran over it and severed it. It may be true, but it’s not very comforting.

2. Remedy people. These are the adults who are positive they have the perfect solution to get rid of your acne. And it always has something to do with a medication that burns or smells like crap. Oh, and then when you smear it on your face and it actually makes the acne MORE noticeable.

3. Then there’s the third group, which was inhabited by my mother. These are the people who warn you that if you pick at your acne, especially in the area of your chin and nose, that you are in the part of the face which she referred to as “the fatal triangle,” and that you could infect yourself, send poison to your brain and die within minutes.

So as you can see, there is no hope for those who are young and afflicted by Job’s cankerous sores.

I guess the truth is, you do mostly outgrow it, even though every once in a while, I will sprout a pimple, even at my age. It does not make me feel young.

It just brings back memories … of “the fatal triangle.”