Cosigner

Cosigner: (n) a joint signer of a promissory note.

The definition of greatness, and perhaps even the best description of faith, is possessing a vision greater than your substance.

Very few of us arrive on Earth with enough substance to match our vision.funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

I found this to be true in my early years of adulthood. I knew what I wanted to do. I wasn’t sure how to do it, so I was very susceptible to the lame-brain plans of others—or even of my own making—which might be shortcuts for achieving my goals.

All of these ideas that were hatched in front of me and inside me always entailed the need for money. It was the idea that money needed to come before I could do the work.

Whenever someone suggested that I could do the work without needing money, I rejected it because it extended my waiting period and therefore discouraged my faithfulness.

I cannot tell you how many times I went to family, friends or even strangers, asking them to cosign on a loan, a car, a motor home, or even sound equipment, because I was convinced that my need for the substance was inhibiting my faith.

Most of the time, very wise people said, “Absolutely not.”

I did not like them. I thought they were selfish, unfeeling, perhaps anti-Christ.

On three occasions, when people gave into my “pitch” and signed on a piece of paper for money or goods on my behalf, they were left holding the bag—which I believe contained turds.

Later on in my life, when I got substance, I came back and reimbursed these people. But at the time, I am sure they felt very used—and their faith was damaged because I stole their substance.

Family and friends come to me sometimes, asking me to cosign a loan or a contract. I just pull out my wallet, peer into it, and figure out which President, with his face on the paper money, I can impeach from my ownership and give to them. If I can’t afford to give it, I don’t offer it.

Cosigning always seems like a great idea—sometimes even to two people. But if you really believe that substance is needed more than faith, your lack of faith will make it impossible to please either God or Earth.


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Collie

Collie: (n) a sheepdog of a breed originating in Scotland

I was eleven years old before I realized they were not supposed to stink.

I’m talking about dogs.

Up to that point, I knew one dog–and this dog stunk. Ironically, her name was “Queenie.” Any pomp and circumstance associated with that name were purely accidental. She stunk. I could tell very time I drew near.

And near I drew.

Queenie was my Grandpa George’s animal. She was his favorite beast, person and thing.

Queenie felt great security in her job, and so pursued no personal hygiene. Half the day she wandered through the woods, living the life of a wild dog, to come
home to the little A-frame house as night was falling, to spend time with my grandpa.

I had jobs to do with Queenie. I kept praying that my grandpa would get old enough that he would become forgetful, and therefore fail to remember to ask me to do the job.

It was a two-parter.

Because Queenie was a collie, she had long fur which might have been lovely had it not been matted with dirt and grime, and filled with little stickers (which my grandpa referred to as “nettles”).

Grandpa wanted me to sit there during the visit, with Queenie’s snout lying in my lap, stinking up the room, and remove these little thistles from her fur. That was the first part.

The second part was that Queenie was a wild-type dog, and did not know how to get all the poop out of her butt with each bowel movement. So dangling from her backside were little sprinkles of dried turds, which Grandpa allowed me to remove by snipping them off with a small pair of scissors.

I will give Queenie one kudo: she never objected to any of the processes. Matter of fact, it reached a point that whenever I came into the room, she came over and laid her head on my knee, awaiting the treatment.

She smelled like everything bad that no one should ever inhale.

Her nettles always yanked out little pieces of hair, and the clippings from the back end–well, fortunately, time has healed me of the vision (as long as I don’t talk about it).

That is my experience with a collie. So you can see why, under no circumstances whatsoever, could I enjoy watching “Lassie.”

 

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Coffin

Coffin: (n) a long, narrow box in which a corpse is buried or cremated.

Staring down into the face of my older brother, who was quite dead, lying in a coffin, motionless, with eyes closed.

It freaked me out–mainly because I was staring at the bier. That’s another word for coffin. Now I’m just trying to show off. I tend to do so when I’m nervous. And looking at a coffin made me nervous.

Until that moment, I did not realize that I suffer from claustrophobia. Even though I was supposed to be the strong brother to support my nephew, sister-in-law and all the other relatives, I temporarily had to excuse myself and walk away to try to regain my state of mind.

All I could think about was lying in that coffin, scrunched, and having the lid shut down on my face. Every time that vision came to my brain, my heart started to pound and I found it difficult to breathe.

I was embarrassed.

I wanted to make sure no one observed my panic attack, so I found a private room and stepped inside. Unable to locate a light switch, I stood in the dark, finding no comfort whatsoever from my vision of horror.

Even though I am certain there was nobody in the room with me, I sensed a thought floating across the blackened space, landing in my consciousness. It wasn’t exactly verbalized, but it was very comforting.

The notion translated to my irrational thinking was, “Keep in mind, when you go in the coffin, you don’t have to breathe anymore.”

I laughed. It was so true. By the time I was fitted–or unfitted–for this box, I would be without the need for much of anything.

And of course, if it still freaked me out, they could always burn me up.

 

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Back Burner

Back burner: (v) to postpone consideration of or action on.Dictionary B

I think I will share with you a little secret–maybe not so much a secret as a piece of true magic.

It is the blessing of inviting things into your life instead of merely accepting them.

If you don’t learn to do this well, you will find yourself shoving great intentions and inspiration to the back burner of your stove and being forced to quickly make macaroni and cheese on the front burners every single day.

I think it may be the key to joy–being able to invite situations into your space instead of having them linger at the borders of your feelings, demanding entrance.

I meet people every day who have a novel stuck in their back closet.

Many of them have a horn they used to play, that they always meant to get back to.

And countless numbers envision a trip which has been put on hold for years because of budgetary concerns.

This is why we came up with the infamous “bucket list,” which we supposedly pursue after we’ve been given a terminal diagnosis and we have so few months left that we finally get down to the business of living.

I am repulsed by the idea of a bucket list.

I have set my course to invite possibilities into my soul instead of being kidnapped and held for ransom by responsibilities.

But how do you do it?

  1. Discern the signs of your times.

Long before foolishness arrives, it threatens by showing a little bit of its potential stupidity. Identify what has proven to be inefficient and get away from it as soon as possible, even if others insist it “only needs a few more tries.”

  1. Be picky about invitations.

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into joining the gang.

  • Bad ideas generate a mob.
  • Good ideas stimulate a membership.

So if you’re looking for evidence of what is worth pursuing, stay away from the mobs and look to the wisdom of those individuals who are more selective in their participation.

  1. Choose based upon your dreams.

If something is completely out of the realm of what you envision to be the fuel for your life, don’t pump it into your gas tank. Even if it has promise, finance or gives you appreciation from others, if it is contrary to your vision, it will cause you to perish.

I never back burner that which stimulates my heart … but I am more than willing to take contrary views and unnecessary tribulation completely off my stove.

 

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Attune

Attune: (v) to bring into accord, harmony, or sympathetic relationshipdictionary with letter A

Caught between the onslaught of profane extremism and the threat of eternal damnation, the human race is squeezed by greedy zealots out for the common dollar instead of the common good.

So rather than finding these culprits of foolishness and exposing them as the fanatics they are, we instead surmise that the human race is a doomed and failed species, incapable of self-containment, let alone shepherding the earth.

It’s time to attune with one another.

May I begin?

  1. Most of the time, we’re not evil, we’re just bored. Having no vision, we perish in our frailty.
  2. We are creative but taught to table such ingenious revelations in favor of the remake, which guarantees sales.
  3. We are not sexual deviants, but rather, sensual beings who mysteriously have the unique ability of mingling a committed, divine love with a ferocious, exciting orgasm.
  4. We are not spiritual, but we are emotional. This enables us to touch spiritual matters and enjoy them without thinking we’ve figured out the universe.
  5. We’re not lazy–just unmotivated. We are not uncaring–unfortunately, disconnected.
  6. We know that men and women are supposed to be equals, but we resist the premise, fearing that an even playing field would rob us of our uniqueness.
  7. We are neither afraid to believe in God nor frightened to discover He does not exist. But we do require a reason for our lives which allows us to escape the jaded notion that “it’s all meaningless.”

These are 7 that popped into my mind. There are probably many more, but I wouldn’t want to bore you with too many details…and accidentally drive you into sinful behavior.

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Attain

Attain: (v) to succeed in achieving something that one desires and has worked for.dictionary with letter A

About two decades ago, everyone in America was persistent on finding out what my 5-year goal plan was. What did I want to attain?

Matter of fact, it reached almost cult proportions. People felt it was essential to have a vision for one’s life that spanned the next 5 years.

Honestly, I was greatly amused by the concept.

Considering the fact that I was fully aware that what would happen to me in the next 5 months, 5 weeks, 5 days and even 5 minutes was somewhat beyond my control, I found it a bit foolish to presumptuously plan 60 months in advance.

Yet in that time period, I was considered odd–perhaps irresponsible to not mix the Kool-Aid.

There were three things that happened to those individuals who followed the “strait and narrow” of the 5-year goal plan:

  1. Life immediately objected to their format.

(Apparently they didn’t include life in the meeting to draft the proposal, and life was rather gleeful about dashing their dreams.)

  1. 5-year goal plans often contradict other 5-year goal plans, creating conflict and confusion.

Yes, what I want to accomplish in 5 years may rob you of a couple of years of satisfaction.

  1. Those who persisted in this philosophy also found they had to make a choice: do I evolve with life, or do I dig my heels in and insist on requiring my demands?

It was messy business, and I will tell you that fortunately, only a small handful of ardent followers still remain.

But if you run across one, and he or she asks you what your 5-year goal plan is, respond this way:

“I plan on taking the next 5 years to feverishly work on my 10-year goal plan.”

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Apparition

dictionary with letter A

Apparition (n.) a remarkable thing that makes a sudden appearance, especially a ghost.

I believe in ghosts.

Not the cloudy, smoky spirits of souls who have gone on to their reward or retribution. I’m talking about the ghosts of bad ideas, inclinations and fallacies that possessed our world in the past, and now have come to haunt us in the present.

  • Sometimes I just wish we could come up with new bad ideas.
  • Sometimes I just wish there was something new.

But instead we have the poltergeist of previous ridiculous concepts rising up from the grave, where we thought we buried it, only to spook us once again.

We don’t have new scandals. We have the spirit of Richard Nixon and Watergate infesting the present bodies of our politicians, making them do the same stupid mistakes he tried to pull off, which ended up with his destruction.

We don’t have music born of the spirituality and emotions of our own generation, but rather, grave-robbers who go and dig up the tunes of those who are now decomposing.

We are continually vexed by the apparitions of past failures or the ongoing celebration of victories, where the band has already played and marched away.

We spend too much time celebrating the past, forgetting the prejudice, disease and dumbness that prevailed.

I believe in ghosts because we refuse to inter the past.

So we just keep living this stuff over and over again … like a bunch of tales from the crypt.

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