Tag Archives: king

Cutlery

Cutlery: (n) utensils for eating, esp. knives, forks, and spoons

I have much experience at making an ass of myself.

In deference to this article, I will rephrase:

My derriere is often exposed.

Throughout my life, in an attempt to appear more educated, prominent or opulent, I have used certain phrases in front of certain people I thought would certainly require the best of the King’s English.

I have gone so far as to seek out more sophisticated terminology in both dictionary and thesaurus, anticipating the arrival of some individual I deemed my superior. (Even the young woman who works with me now and takes my dictation, when she first arrived—since she was a classical musician—I felt the need to bone up on my knowledge of the Old Masters who composed the symphonies which are now the relics of orchestras across the world.)

Now, I have garnered that this process is not only foolish, but futile.

Eventually I always popped off with some little piece of verbiage which was so obscure that the target I hoped to impress would turn to me in frustration and say, “What is it you’re trying to say?”

To which I would reply, “I was merely inquiring what kind of cutlery you desired for the evening repast…”

Bewildered, the guest would stare and say something like:

“You mean fork, knife and spoon?”

Embarrassed, I had to acknowledge that this was exactly what I meant.

I quickly discovered that even if people are used to working in high-minded climates with qualified technicians, when they escape that environment, they like to leave the King’s English with the King.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

Crown

Crown: (n) headgear worn by a monarch

Waking up feeling refreshed.

Biting into a shrimp and getting that immediate aftertaste which lets you know it’s a shrimp instead of some sort of fish.

A chocolate milkshake after you haven’t had one for a decade.

Buying a candy bar at the grocery store and realizing it’s fresh, so your teeth won’t have to break through a crust that’s like the surface of the moon.

The two, sometimes five, seconds that occur, transforming your body into a tingling mass of jiggling gelatin right at the point of orgasm.

Praying and knowing that even if the heavens didn’t hear, you heard, and feel enriched.

Seeing a mile marker on a long trip, delighted to discover you’re closer to home than you thought.

When the scrambled eggs come out just right.

Those occasions when a conversation could have been a fight but instead became an open door to deeper feelings.

Being loved.  Loving.

Catching yourself being unloving just in time.

Letting someone in front of you in traffic and getting honked at by the guy behind you.

Sometimes I just think about all the good things that happen in life.

To do this adequately, I must first sit down, turn off the television and close out my surroundings, and tune out the “fret mode” of my brain.

When I do this, I am filled with some sort of spirit, be it Holy or other.

It is the best feeling in the world. It makes me wonder why those who wrote the Bible thought it was necessary to promise heaven as a place where we will receive our crown and reward.

I don’t need a crown.

I’m not a king. And even if I were a king, I would pass on the crown.

There are just too many crowning events in life to ever require additional honor.

funny wisdom on words that begin with a C

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Coronation

Coronation: (n) the ceremony of crowning a king, queen, or other sovereign.

In an age of the release of information so quickly that it is impossible to ascertain its veracity, and a populous that has become so starved for the bizarre, the unbecoming and the naughty that the appetite seems to be endless, we just might be in need of having a coronation of certain values, ideas, hopes, dreams and freedoms. funny wisdom on words that begin with a COtherwise we begin to question aspects of our lives which no longer require challenging, but still, could well use some practicing.

For instance, it’s impossible to do away with lying unless we’re willing to admit that truth really does make one free.

It would be completely implausible to reject the coarse immorality of the human animal unless we became convinced that we are all constantly taking our minds for a walk through the gutter.

And unless we spoofed—dare I say, mocked?—the idea of kindness—making sure that in every television show and nearly every movie, that those who pursue such a path are bludgeoned to death by some perpetrator—how could we explain our profile of being curt and uncaring?

Somewhere along the line, we have convinced ourselves that human beings are jungle creatures, rather than having now emerged from the jungle.

There is a difference, you know.

Case in point: I will not tolerate my family dog getting hungry in the middle of the night and reverting back to being a wolf, eating my newborn baby. I request of my live-in pet that it step away from such instincts and tendencies.

I certainly will not be pleased if my previously promiscuous spouse arises from her bed and goes out and sells herself on the street for an hour, insisting that she had “lapsed” into former evolutionary predilections.

It is a great joy to be a human being, but it also comes with responsibility.

It requires that we maintain a “kingly and queenly” approach to portions of life that are sacred, holy, beautiful and certainly worthy of coronation.


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Charger

Charger: (n) Archaic a large, flat dish; platter

Long, long ago, when an epidemic of the simple common cold could kill people off by the thousands, a flat serving tray was referred to as a “charger.”

It has very little significance to us, as we now view a small cord which attaches to our phone as the only charger of note.

But long ago, when a young girl breathlessly finished a dance, nearly naked from her exuberant efforts, her step-father, a king, greatly
aroused by her choreography, promised to give her anything she wanted as payment for her little strip-tease.

He was obviously staring down at a beautiful temptation, and also at the evidence that she had succeeded in waking up the “little king.”

She was a nasty little vixen, with a mother who had been trained to be ruthless and cruel. So the two of them got together, and the girl requested the head of John the Baptist–“on a charger.”

(This is origin of the slogan, “I want his head on a silver platter.” I assume that the request for the platter was to express extreme indifference.)

But it is a warning.

For the Prophet John made the mistake of generating enemies of souls with no conscience.

And the young girl, who had been raised by a bedeviled mother to use the lust of men to her advantage, was able to take the Baptist’s indiscretion in judging a queen, and the queen’s fury over his insolence, and turn it into a tragedy.

It teaches us all that we should choose our words carefully — and avoid making enemies of people who really wouldn’t mind putting our fate on a plate.

 

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Chalice

Chalice: (n) a large cup or goblet

Every once in a while, I fancy myself a flitting twit of noble extraction who was accidentally birthed in Central Ohio due to a curse of a witch
with an axe to grind.

This doesn’t happen very often or my communiques would be coming from a sanitarium.

But there is a nasty part of my soul that wants to be superior.

I want to be a king instead of a serf.

I want to drink out of a chalice instead of a cup.

I want to have whole cooked birds placed in front of me so I can peruse where to dive in to the crunchy brown skin and begin to gorge myself.

I want to have the fanciest car in the parking lot.

I want to have an outfit that someone recognizes as an “original” from Italy.

I want to be viewed as a “cut above”–the rib-eye, soft and moist, near the heart of the beast.

I desire that the focus be placed upon me and all spotlights trained in my direction.

I find myself in a twist of obnoxious pretense, grabbing my chalice, bedecked with jewels, and sipping wine that was pressed only by the feet of virgin maidens.

I want to be special.

I want to be revered.

I want my glorious chalice of appreciation.

And then…

My friend walks in the door and tells me I have my shirt on backwards.

I realize God has placed me where I need be.

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Caesar

Caesar: (n) a title used by Roman emperors

There are certain words that just should not be associated with human beings: king, queen, pope, master, lord, dictator, supreme ruler,
emperor and the general title of Caesar.

We are people. We just do too many fruitless, ridiculous, repetitive and common things to ever believe that any backside was polished by the Divine.

Yet when you get in the presence of someone who deems him or herself to be superior, and has come up with a matching handle to enhance the claim, it is fruitless to attempt to chide them to some sanity and awareness of their human roots.

So Caesars fight Caesars to be the Caesar above all Caesars.

Now that’s a tossed salad.

Yet how wonderful it is to walk around with the simple desire to enjoy life and bless other people and casually quip, “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and unto God the things that are God’s.”

 

 

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Birdbrain

Birdbrain: (n) an annoyingly stupid and shallow person

Dictionary BIn the sneaky cult of male chauvinism, the term “birdbrain” has been given the general definition of referring to a person who is flighty–while we secretly know that in the realm of those who possess penises, we are always referring to women.

Matter of fact, I cannot think of an occasion of hearing a man called a birdbrain.

It is an insult that lacks the intelligence of true data.

Let us look at birds:

1. They can fly.

If they did nothing else but that, they would literally rise above our abilities.

2. Many of them have the sense to fly south for the winter, which does not occur to most humans until they hit their sixties.

3. They can build a home out of twigs and belly button lint, when we must go to a bank and pay exorbitant interest rates to achieve brick and mortar.

4. They can convince their children to eat worms, when we are incapable of getting our offspring to swallow one sliver of broccoli.

These are just a few things that immediately come to mind which tell me that negatively discussing those who freely fly above our heads exhibits our ignorance and jealousy, all at the same time.

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Bipolar

Bipolar: (adj) a psychiatric illness characterized by both manic and depressive episodes

Dictionary B

 Brandon was caught between two opinions.

One of his psychiatrists thought he was schizophrenic and the other felt it was more likely that he was bipolar.

But when Brandon was on the rampage, his mind torn apart by his disease, to the average person he was just crazy.

Insightful, but out of his mind.

Matter of fact, the only times Brandon was interesting were those occasions when he was on the verge of flipping out, going through the streets of town performing actions which were unacceptable for public review.

Yet when Brandon was on his medications, he was calm, docile, but nearly incoherent and incapable of grasping a thought.

Certainly, if one psychiatrist was right and he was bipolar, his manic episodes were filled with colorful visions of exciting ideas from a fellow that seemed to have the energy to solve the problems of the whole world.

But his depression was frightening, making you wonder if you should leave him for fear that he might do harm to himself.

The last time I saw Brandon he was in a mental hospital and seemed to have found a place where he could dominate the weaker inmates, while still maintaining the appearance of submitting to the hospital staff.

He didn’t even recognize me.

He had forgotten who I was.

It reminded me of that common phrase, “He was in his own world.”

He truly was.

It was not a planet that intersected with any of the common attributes of earthlings.

Yet it was a world … and he was King.

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Acute

Words from Dic(tionary)

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Acute: (adj.) relating to a bad, difficult or unwelcome situation present or experienced to a severe degree: e.g. an acute housing shortage

Even though as a chauvinist nation, we refer to them as “drama queens,” there are certainly plenty of kings to go around, not to mention princes and princesses.

It seems to be fashionable–yes, that’s the word I would use–almost a cloak we wear, of feeling that we become more important by overstating our difficulties and over-emphasizing our struggles.

By no means am I suggesting that we should walk around in pain without seeking solace. I am not trying to insinuate that becoming a “John Wayne” type of character, with a bullet lodged in your shoulder as you continue to fight the Indians, is what is required in order to fall into the category of brave.

I just don’t think that everything that happens to us is cataclysmic or even necessarily worthy of a posting on Facebook.

In my own life, I fear that lamentation is a sad seeking in my soul–feeling sorry for myself instead of searching for resolution. For there are many problems people consider to be acute, which to me, sound not only solvable, but really, not even that difficult.

But if you play down somebody’s dilemma or try to eliminate their suffering with a quick fix, you will often be met with great resentment and anger.

So what is the best way to survive trials and tribulations without becoming whiny? There you go. There’s the quandary.

Because as much as we WANT to empathize with other human beings, we also want them to prove that they are part of our species by displaying a backbone and walking upright. See what I mean?

So I’ve come up with a little three-step process, which I think helps to keep me from becoming Billy Brat, who believes he’s being bullied by the earth around him.

1. Don’t think about your problems too long before you speak them out loud. I’ve never had a difficulty that lived in my brain which didn’t double in size every hour.

2. Be aware that there’s nothing new which hasn’t been experienced by somebody, so the solution may be embarrassingly easy. Of course we want to contend that our particular cross is unbearable, but usually it’s just a couple of sticks of wood.

3. Be prepared to have good cheer. Whether you end up laughing at your problem, giggling at the simplicity of the solution, or just LOL-ing at yourself for being so worried–humor is the only door of escape from stupidity.

I don’t think any of our problems are as acute as we think they are.

Maybe it’s because none of us are as cute as we think we are.

Absitomen

by J. R. Practix

dictionary with letter A

Absitomen:  (exclam.) used to express the hope that something undesirable should not foreshadow its  arrival or occurence. From the Latin: “may this omen be absent.”

Shall we talk about some sucky jobs?

How about campaign manager for a losing Presidential candidate? Hard to get new work.

How about latrine inspector? I know you may think that latrine cleaner might be worse, but at least you would understand your function. Inspector really has to get his nose in the pot.

Here’s another one. How would you like to be the soothsayer in the court of a king in the Dark Ages, who calls you in and wants to know what the outcome of today’s battle will be? You’re supposed to be in charge of reading all the omens.

Let’s just say, for discussion’s sake, that there ARE no omens. Yet you have a king who insists that he needs one. So if you say there are bad omens regarding the battle and he goes out and wins, you will be beheaded. If you say there are good omens for the battle and he loses, you will be likewise headless.

So the only safe thing to do is to stir around some chicken gizzards in a bowl, pour in three fingers worth of vinegar, mumble some magic words and turn to the anxious king and say, “All signs point to a victory.”

Because here’s the scenario: if he loses, you can hope that HE gets killed in the battle and you are part of the retreating army, head intact. If he wins, you will be lavished with gifts for your good omen that summoned victory.

This omen stuff is really dangerous.

Even nowadays, people who study prophecy from scrolls thousands of years old, trying to find hidden meaning for the future, always end up looking stupid. If they’re going to sell an idea or a book, they have to get specific about a date for the end of the world, and then when that date comes and go, they have to survive on the money already made or come up with a reason that the original calculation was off.

I don’t know about this word for today. But I think any time you tie an omen into anything, it’s really… well, it’s really a bad omen.