Tag Archives: obnoxious

Chalice

Chalice: (n) a large cup or goblet

Every once in a while, I fancy myself a flitting twit of noble extraction who was accidentally birthed in Central Ohio due to a curse of a witch
with an axe to grind.

This doesn’t happen very often or my communiques would be coming from a sanitarium.

But there is a nasty part of my soul that wants to be superior.

I want to be a king instead of a serf.

I want to drink out of a chalice instead of a cup.

I want to have whole cooked birds placed in front of me so I can peruse where to dive in to the crunchy brown skin and begin to gorge myself.

I want to have the fanciest car in the parking lot.

I want to have an outfit that someone recognizes as an “original” from Italy.

I want to be viewed as a “cut above”–the rib-eye, soft and moist, near the heart of the beast.

I desire that the focus be placed upon me and all spotlights trained in my direction.

I find myself in a twist of obnoxious pretense, grabbing my chalice, bedecked with jewels, and sipping wine that was pressed only by the feet of virgin maidens.

I want to be special.

I want to be revered.

I want my glorious chalice of appreciation.

And then…

My friend walks in the door and tells me I have my shirt on backwards.

I realize God has placed me where I need be.

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Cadre

Cadre: (n) a small group of people specially trained for a particular purpose or profession.

“I’ve gotta be me.”

It’s a sentiment I’ve never found particularly worthy of my attention. I’ve never been so certain of myself that I did not yearn to have the
fellowship and input of others.

I have found that the word “solo” is a great synonym for “alone.” I don’t like to be alone.

I don’t need other folks to make me feel valuable, or to surround me with a sense of inclusion. It’s just divinely remarkable to encounter individuals who share common anything with one another.

  • Common taste.
  • Common talent.
  • Common faith.
  • Common appetites.
  • Or even common foibles.

Human beings were never intended to be perfect and can be quite obnoxious when pursuing it. We’re at our best when we hang around with each other, admit our weaknesses and garner energy off the cadre of souls huddled in our corner.

When I have attempted to be autonomous, it was like I found myself standing naked in a room full of doctors. It was inevitable they would find something wrong with me.

Am I hiding? Perhaps.

Am I weak? Most certainly.

Am I benefitting from interaction with others?

Always.

 

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Bravado

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Bravado: (n) a show of boldness intended to impress

After some consideration, using the intelligence I have available, I’ve decided that the word “bravado” really has no context unless modified by the adjective “false.”Dictionary B

Although I believe a certain amount of confidence is necessary to pursue our activities, it must always be saturated in the humility of knowing that the possibility of error is looming.

Bravado is the sensation that by simply bullying the available space around us with our superiority and all-knowing attitude, we gain the attention that will grant us the opportunity to dominate.

But just as in the cartoon, the little fish swallows the guppy and is then eaten by the bigger fish, who goes along for a second or two, and then is consumed by a yet larger member of the watery world, only to have him ultimately swallowed by the whale–such is the destiny of all bravado.

We may screech and scream our prowess–only to be overtaken by one who is more adept at screeching and screaming.

What is the correct profile to maintain an efficient amount of self-esteem?

  1. Find what you can do
  2. Practice it until you can do it in the dark
  3. Look for your opportunity to do it
  4. Be extremely grateful for any appreciation and praise you receive.

In my opinion, this is the definition, full extent and boundary which keeps bravado from becoming … totally obnoxious.

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Blush

Blush: (v) to develop a pink tinge in the face from embarrassment or shame.

Dictionary B

Removing one misconception from the stacked-up views of a human being may temporarily topple the tower but will make the rebuilding more sturdy.

We are full of misconceptions.

Matter of fact, we feel compelled to lie to one another so as to remove all sense of embarrassment, shame or inadequacy.

So the singer who is loud and boisterous is never told that he’s off-pitch.

The beauty queen who is painted to excess to gain approval is never informed of how obnoxious she is.

And the politician is never surrounded by those who will truly ask the right questions.

We are afraid of embarrassment.

We are frightened that our weaknesses will surface, so we smother self-awareness under an ocean of flattery.

Sometimes I need to blush.

  • I need to realize I have said something inappropriate.
  • I have fallen short of expectation.
  • I am a bow-tie worn with a jogging suit.

It’s good for me.

It literally puts some color in my cheeks. 

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Bawl

Bawl: (v) to weep or cry noisily.Dictionary B

While I’m waiting for the good rendition of myself to arrive, I’ve decided to work with what is available.

Honestly, it’s the only way to keep from becoming defensive or offensive.

Because if you contend that you’re good, there are folks who will be glad to point out your over-estimation.

And if you walk around all the time looking for an altar of repentance, you will become an obnoxious victim.

I understand the importance of laughing, but I also must tell you the value of crying.

The difficulty I’ve encountered in the process of sprouting tears is that I generally do so in self-pity.

I cry, but more often than not, it’s for me.

So when it comes to forms of remorse like mourning and bawling, I must admit that I don’t even come close to these rather precious emotions unless I’m considering my own demise, how badly I’ve been cheated by others or the fact that traffic on the freeway dared to back up and inconvenience me.

Rather than purge myself of this inadequacy, I choose to treasure the moments when concern, compassion and gentleness towards others touched my heart.

I have probably bawled five times in my life.

Two of those times would have been over some lady who decided I was no longer needed.

Another time would have been the death of my son.

On another occasion, it would have been over-thinking my own mortality.

But there was that one time–that one amazing moment–when the heart of God entered my chest and made me feel what He feels when He sees his suffering children.

I will never forget it.

I yearn for it to happen again.

But it was a transcendent passage … when I stepped out of myself and saw the real need.

 

 

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Baron

Baron: (n) a member of the lowest order of the British nobility.Dictionary B

In America we call it “middle management.”

It’s a big clump of human laborers who have been promoted to a salaried position with no real power to make executive decisions. They are a little higher than the ground forces, but not worthy to take the boots off the general.

They are also usually very obnoxious.

Because privately, these middle management “barons” are aware that they are powerless and somewhat insignificant, so they choose to usurp great authority over the ones they consider to be “lesser.”

You can always identify them because they tout their status:

  • Assistant Manager
  • Junior Vice President
  • Floor Director
  • Second in Command
  • Project Manager
  • Chief Inspector
  • Shift Representative
  • Deputy Director

They have titles which have no real definition–only letters which fill space.

Because they no longer want to be common laborers but do not have the passion to be uncommon laborers and ascend to true management, they establish turf which they are willing to guard with their very life blood.

They are barons.

And they are barren of thought, they are barren of authority and often they are barren … of any future in the company.

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Baby

Baby: (n) a very young child, especially one newly or recently born.

I am personally co-responsible for the arrival of four babies onto Planet Earth.Dictionary B

So even though I would not consider myself an authority, I do walk with a bit more gravitas than the average twenty-something postulating on daytime talk shows.

Let me tell you some misconceptions about babies, and then I will tell you what I find to be a few abiding truths.

Let us begin with the misconceptions:

  1. Babies are cute.

The best way for me to dispel this myth is for me to say they are not meant to be cute because they aren’t ripe yet. A misshapen head, a funny curled lip, lack of eyebrows, and the fact that they insist on having you clean up their buttocks does take away a little bit from their overall beauty. (Not to mention that creepy spot on their head that moves back and forth when they breathe…)

  1. Babies are hard to take care of.

If you are one of those kinds of people who allow things to pile up on you, or only deals with things in your face, a baby can be a horror. But if you understand that this little kid has come into your world, and therefore needs to learn your system, it becomes much easier to handle their initial moods.

  1. Babies like it quiet.

Please don’t make your house quiet. A baby will adjust to whatever sound level is in the room, because all babies are human and therefore require sleep. Turn up the stereo and get them used to the din of life.

  1. Babies are born “a certain way.”

It is probably one of the more unfair things we do–to cast personality, talent and even intelligence on a creature that is still drooling.

  1. My baby loves me.

Not yet. Your baby still thinks it’s in the womb, where it sucked from everything in sight without ever offering one tittle of gratitude.

Now, how about some truths?

  1. You have a human being.
  2. This human being will pretty much become exactly what you want he or she to be.
  3. The child has not yet formed either virtue or prejudice.
  4. Do not allow your relatives to spoil the little tot because you will be the one dealing with the backlash.
  5. Keep them warm, loved, well-fed, changed and stop worrying about anything else.
  6. It’s a baby. You did not find the cure for cancer. Adding too much pride to the birth of your child is the dictionary definition of obnoxious.

I like babies.

Their simplicity, innocence and vulnerability remind me that God has not given up on the human race.

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Ananias

dictionary with letter A

 

Ananias: (New Testament) the husband of Sapphira who was struck dead because he lied.

If you don’t find out what’s really important, you can end up doing a lot of stuff that is not only unnecessary, but possibly useless.

I am learning this more and more everyday.

Truthfully, most of us human beings have two major goals:

  1. To look good
  2. To have people notice we look good.

It’s what makes us obnoxious, devious, dishonest and even dangerous to our fellow-travelers.

The law of averages tells us that if there are five good possibilities that could come out of an endeavor, we will be fortunate to find one. Then we have to decide how to justify the other four.

  • Are we going to cover up, lie and deceive?
  • Or develop a sense of good cheer, allowing us, in a jocular way, to admit our inadequacy?

Yes, I am perceiving more each and every day that this whole experience of being a human being will boil down to whether we are able to stand tall and tell the truth, hell to pay.

We admire it in each other. If we really want to look good, being the first one to admit our weaknesses and be candid about them is a fabulous way to receive acclamation. But we still think that appearing to be Top Dog–while we are actually lost puppies–won’t turn around and bite us in the ass.

Ananias lied.

That’s what the Good Book says. It wasn’t about the style of his lie; it had nothing to do with the content. Certainly severity wasn’t taken into consideration. He thought he could lie to another human being, and ended up fibbing to God.

It cost him his life.

That sounds rather dramatic, but if you think about it, every lie we tell, every time we skim the truth and remove the quality of candor, and each and every occasion that we choose to misrepresent our situation … well, a little bit of us dies.

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Anal

dictionary with letter A

Anal: (n) a stage in Freudian psychosis denoting infantile psychosis as seen by a preoccupation with the anus. 2. Anal-retentive: obsessively preoccupied with details.

Perusing this particular definition, I was struck with a notion.

Even though words do have specific meanings, they gradually assimilate into the culture based upon whether we choose to view a thought as positive or negative.

Freud, with his usual obsession for body parts, was quick to point out that “anal,” from his perspective, had something to do with the ass.

Yet in our society, when we refer to somebody as anal, we are connoting an attention to detail–or if we find that attitude unacceptable, we make reference to someone being “picky.”

But I think if you blend the definitions, it’s quite fun, isn’t it?

Because after all, people who don’t take care of their own bum, cleaning it and maintaining its hygiene, will eventually be considered nasty.

Likewise, without a little bit of fussiness about maintaining order and the dignity of things, we will disappoint those around us and convince them quite quickly by exposing the hole in our ass.

  • What is too much attention to detail?
  • What is being picky?

I think three things are necessary to be considered solvent and of sound mind:

1. I don’t make my problems your problems.

Even though we like to help one another through difficulty, the specific dilemma needs to be complex enough to warrant intervention.

2. Generally speaking, I am a person of good cheer.

After all, to be around efficiency which is grouchy makes you soon forget the quality of the work and only remember the cranky.

3. I’m improving.

In other words, we can get by with being inefficient once or twice, but after that, it becomes an annoying vice.

So there is a certain amount of attention to the caboose necessary to maintain a good train.

And as human beings, without being obnoxious … we can still strive toward adequacy.

 

 

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Amex

dictionary with letter A

Amex: (abbr) American Express

I was sitting here wondering if it’s possible to use “obnoxious” and “friend” in the same sentence without contradicting etiquette.

I finally decided that I’ve had many friends who have gone through bouts of “obnoxity” and would probably contend that they have patiently waited for me to recover from a similar affliction.

One of my friends (who will remain nameless) was particularly susceptible to this viral, emotional condition. But basically, it only happened whenever he was discussing money.

At the age of twenty-six, he walked around with his chest puffed like a marshmallow, bragging about how he had just gotten an American Express card. He explained to me in vivid detail that it was a symbol of solvency. proof that credit was well-established and that the holder of such a piece of plastic was deemed “salt of the earth.”

He also explained in lengthy sentences that because I did not have this endorsement from Amex, that I was devoid of adult worthiness.

It was absolutely horrible.

But s life will often do in its pursuit of ultimately becoming a full-time stand-up comedian, within a decade and a half, the tables shifted. I, for that season, had the money–and the American Express card–and he was unemployed, trying to find a job fixing computer monitors, which had become so reasonable to buy that nobody actually repaired them.

I think he was prepared for me to leap on the opportunity to rub some of that “salt of the earth” into his wounds, and make him feel terrible, not just for his present situation, but for how he acted so many years earlier.

I didn’t.

It’s not because I’m a great guy. It’s because money comes, money goes and has a notorious reputation for flirting with the cutest person in the room.

So even though I had an American Express card for many years and paid it faithfully, when they discerned that I was no longer worthy of the club, I was ousted without explanation or any chance for objection.

So my basic situation is simple. I not only am not part of the American Express family any more, but must take the drastic and dangerous risk of actually leaving my home without it.